12.31.05

CSTB’s Top Comments Of 2005

Posted in Internal Affairs at 10:56 pm by

Much as I’d love to provide proper context for all of the submissions below, I kinda think they look better on their lonesome. Plus, I’m lazy. Happy New Year and thanks to (almost) everyone who contributed.

Imus is a PHONY and a FRAUD who copies everything HOWARD STERN does. Howard had the idea to put his radio show on E!, the Imus copies him with this lame, gay show. IMUS SUCKS and HOWARD STERN IS GOD!

Where to begin? I agree with the last poster. Imus re-cycles old jokes and gets off SCOTT-free with all his useless, yipping, ass-kissing, brown-nosing toadies. This show is so humor-less and lame it™s EXCRUCIATING. I mean, Walter Cronkite spoofs? That old news-reading, pontificating, has-been, ASSWIPE OLD GEEZER was relevant about 20 years ago¦.to my NOW DEAD and DECAYING GRANDPA. Imus is the biggest phony alive. He marries some young, brainless HOLE that he can stick his shriveled-up, wizened TOOL into, and proceeds to BORE his audience with stories about this gold-digging HAG. This self-absorbed prick would interview Jesus Christ himself and the most probing question would be, œSo, what do YOU think of me? I™d like to meet this cowboy-hat wearing, washed-up old DILDO in a dark alley someday and kick his wrinkled-up old ass until he screamed for mercy with the one UN-COLLAPSED lung he has left. What a useless f**k.

Good god this loser still has a show. Just looking at his face reminds me of wiping my dogs vomit up. Never has been funny, never will.
Imus is just disturbing to look at and his jokes are lame.

Rik Binding, 4/13/2005

C™mon CSTB, isn™t it possible that hstencil, Rog, Fucky, Dick, Lenny, and TK all live in the same flat, and have pooled their money to buy a single computer? Or are filming the upcoming Real World Staten Island?

gooblar, 11/14/2005

Carmello booty is fat and jigglee i would love to eat, hit it. He might be getting it from Kenyon Martin. I would love J.Jackson i knew a former ball boy for the Sixers when he played for the team. I went into the locker room and saw him in nothing but a very very small towel. What a package he has in the front, back. I heard it likes it from time to time.I am a bi black male and what a treat he will be in the bed. I know Cuttino Mobley, Steve Francis gets it in on that level. Vince Carter aint that bad either he acts so soft. Carmello tail is fat i will hit, hit often.

Jay, 2/24/2005

I second Jay comments i will go to bed with JIM JACKSON,VINCE CARTER, CARMELLO BOOTY IS TOO FAT TO PASS UP. CUTTINO, STEVE GETS IN IN ALOT REMEMBER STEVIE™S COMMENTS WHEN HIS BOY GOT TRADED. AI WILL BE GREAT TOO IN THE BED. BUT JIMMY JACKSON BODY IS TIGHT, HOT LOOKING PICTURE HIM IN NOTHING BUT A JOCK.

TIREE , 2/24/2000

Personally, if he had just sung the anthem without the œsomebody and the œclap your hands and without the dancers œsteppin in the name of the USA, it would™ve been just fine. As a black young man, I was offended. Thank you, R. Kelly. At this rate, Juneteenth will never become a national holiday and there never will be a black president.

Shane Russell, 12/5/2005

fuck david stern, he should die and go to hell and ger butt fucked by hitler and satan.Hes the worst, most fucked up NBA commisioner of all time.Not because of dress code, but because of how fucked he has let the officals be and by all of the stupid rules he has made!!!!!!

Stern Sucks, 11/11/2005

well, good riddance. Jeff Koyen was an infantile smug piece of embarrassment from day one (his editorials are some of the worst writing I have ever read, anywhere, and I even read the Russ Smith column), and Matt Taibbi is a pompous and boring-ass-hell poor excuse for a ˜political™ columnist. Funny that it took such a tedious and very-much-not-funny-enough article on ahem, GOD ON EARTH, œThe Pope”, to send Jeff Koyen the fuck outta town. That™s the 53rd and only funny point about the Pope dying btw. The only good thing about religion that I know of is that it™s here for us to make fun of and ridicule, hopefully to eventually abolish altogether. Too bad this noble pastime has been given such a bad rap by such talentless and unfunny hacks as Koyen and Taibbi. Here™s a hint, when you write ™satire™, make it ˜funny™. Instead we got 52 points, and not one of them funny at all, and this when writing about the Pope, y™know, the fucking Pope – can you think of anything easier to make fun of? Yet Taibbi comes up less than empty.

Great to see Koyen go, especially for something this lame, and I hope Taibbi will have to move on (.org) as well. Or better yet, cancel the stupid rag altogether, that way we will get rid of that stellar brain that is Armond White too.

Jesper , 3/7/2005

Sorry to hear CSTB will remain an independent site. I felt that CSTB™s hard hitting 2004 coverage of Dusty Baker™s too-large wristbands and his touchy team dynamics was a key factor in motivating the notoriously oversensitive Baker into staying competitive all thru last season. This year, the year of the Red Sox championship, CSTB has slowed its pace in Cubs coverage. The result is a .500 season of cyclical surges and pratfalls. I™m begging Rupert Murdoch, the Trib co., or the YES network to step in, hand this tired e-rag over to Rob Dibble and Joe Morgan to bring the Experience of Actual Players to bear on Baker, Weiland, and Tom Sizemore, and get things back on track.

Ben Schwartz, 07/24/05

I played baseball in junior high school and was pressured to hit better, run faster, and throw harder. When I couldn™t, it became obvious no major league team would touch me. I™m with Giambi on this one, players who simply can™t play major league baseball (like me) deserve our chance at Yankee Stadium, too. I want a lawyer or a needle.

Ben Schwartz, 02/27/05

the introduction of the one-timer instantly changed the competative dynamic between me and my buddy jon. in previous years he would always play as gretzky and would score on breakaway after breakaway with an unstopable move from forehand to back hand. i knew it was coming but could not stop it. jon™s lack of ability to master the one-timer coupled with my discovery of the indominable oates/hull combination gave a level skating surface.

man, nhl 94. oates/hull, bong hits between periods and guided by voices on the stereo, that™s what i think of when i think of nhl 94.

kt, 09/12/05

did you say œoldest living buffalo tom fan or œonly living buffalo tom fan”? or does it matter?

kt, 05/14/05

I™m curious¦why do you get so angry about this stuff, I mean, maybe i™ll piss you off here but¦it™s just sports (and worse, sports reporting).

Harris Bloom, 10/08/05

So after they encouraged speculation that Gary Sheffield or Johnny Damon was the Mystery Roider, Deadspin thinks this is a scoop worth celebrating. A story so huge it it barely garnered a sentence in this morning™s NY Times. I™d ask the editor for a quote, but he™s too busy blowing himself.

Dick Jung, 11/03/05

Will is actually a ridiculously nice guy. Just thought you should know, as your bashing of him has gotten a little creepy lately.

LR, 10/25/05

There were about 900 people there with me last night to watch Jae Seo duel Some Pitcher Named Vargas. While it was a fine game, you have to think that if the star power of that matchup can™t bump things up into five digits, there™s no way some jheri-curled dude and the best pitcher in the National League is going to do the trick, either. From what I heard, though, it was all moot tonight because the game was over in about 45 minutes.

Willis so dominates the Mets that I think all his wins against them this year “ including CSTB œDay At Shea, which Dontrelle shortened to about an hour and a half “ add up, cumulatively, to the length one Steve Trachsel warm-up session.

David Roth, 09/22/05

The NBA™s recent lil™-bit-country adventures have the reek of misguided branding about them, but The Romantics and Alter Bridge is just somebody not working hard enough. Even a 30-minute extended remix of œCenterfield “ with extra handclaps “ sounds good compared to that Jim Plunkett-lookin™ singing drummer bashing away for half an hour before Yusmeiro Petit takes the mound.

What™s weirdest about this, too, is that MLB seems to be trying to work up a connection with rock music via those soundcheck segments on ESPN™s Sunday Night Baseball „¢. Personally, I™m still holding out for a performance of œMoby Octopad with Butch Huskey on the ba-ba-ba vocals, but I think many other people would be happy to take in a pre-Futures Game set by one of those baseball-fan musicians who talk about their favorite teams during the Sunday night games.

David Roth, 07/08/05

œJason Star is a rare recording artist who can easily walk in and out of all kinds of musical styles and genres.
{Interpretation: Jason Star will try anything to make it.}

From r&b to rock to dance to fast songs to ballads, Our hero Jason Star is chameleon-like in his approach. His second solo album, Unstoppable could not be more appropriately titled. The album finds Jason Star being more a product of his influences than some would think possible.
{Interpretation: Jason Star never had an original thought in his life.}

The album has a very introspective feeling to it. Unstoppable is a really good listen. There are some privately honed songs, but they can also be related to others as well and not attributed to the singer or the issues going through his head.
{Interpretation: Jason Star is a human Xerox machine. A Xerox machine with dirty glass and low on toner.}

Jason did indeed take several risks on the CD. The title track, ˜Unstoppable™ and the track, ˜Feel Your Love™ seem like songs Michael Jackson would record. The song, ˜Talk To You™ is a fantastic duet featuring Abigail Murphy. Their voices play well off each other. ˜Vanished™ is mellow and has a very haunting beat throughout that makes you feel Jason™s pain.
{Interpretation: Jason™s pain = Missing the 40% off sale at Abercrombie and Fitch.}

˜Lonely Life™ has the same feel as ˜Vanished™ but makes you brush off that loss by acquiring a power of your own destiny. It also goes on to become one of the most heavy songs on the album.
{Interpretation: Most heavy!??! Writer is a moron.}

The song, ˜Downtown Stories™ is very good at evoking lifelike images within the mind with it™s lyrics. It tells the story of people who live very hard lives. ˜Forever™ is a very catchy and radio friendly song. The lyrics are very easy to follow. ˜Believe™ and the reprise of the song offer hope for people who have doubts. The hope the song delivers comes from the strong message in the lyrics. The music is very powerful at helping deliver that message. This album offers something for everyone. Music was getting trite until this album came along.
{Interpretation: Now music is trite, derivative, poorly performed and totally devoid of soul. And it can be yours for only $9.00!}

And I™ll kiss Jason™s ass once he gets his head out of it.

Donna McRottentwat, 10/4/2005

Zelasko™s coat was about as offensive as her pirate sleeves on Saturday night. Perhaps she is pregnant and needs to bake the bun in a blackglama/acrylic combo? That doesn™t explain the sleeves, though.

So I take it back. The sleeves were more offensive.

Xa, 10/24/05

people kneel at the altar of Simmons because he™s the poster-boy for every schlub with a blog (or in Bill™s case, a proto-blog) and a dream of befriending Jimmy Kimmel. Bill was fortunate enough to be well ahead of the curve and turned his schtick into a well-paying gig, a book and a house somewhere in the smog of L.A.

Jamie, 09/16/05

Coward?!? Look in the mirror, CSTB. Or, is that GC? You jock fuck. Go kick a soccer ball. And go sign really, really bad indie rock talent while you™re at it. You™re better at that than ˜writing™ a blog. Maybe you can do something that doesn™t involve copying/pasting 99% of the content (?)

Mr. Roper, 09/14/05

I woke up yesterday morning to hear Sir Charles on ESPN Radio calling Le Batard œRetard. It would have played better in my bedroom if he had called him œRe-a-tard but I suppose I am expecting too much (and for Charles to dig deep into the eMpTy back catalogue).

Jon Solomon, 05/10/05

I™m not going to be able to do this story justice, but a friend of mine who worked for a few years in the Marlins organization related a story from spring training:

Local radio guy is asking AJ Burnett about how great Al Leiter™s influence will be on him, how much he™ll learn, etc. Burnett, who™s from Arkansas, nods along with the question, then replies: ˜Yeah, yeah, it™ll be great, I™ve already learned so much. Al™s just like Bill Clinton“everything he says, you believe.

The reporter finds Leiter a few hours later, tells him there™s something he™d like him to hear. œAl™s just like Bill Clinton. Leiter flies into a rage: œYou liberal! You set him up! Don™t you dare use that on the air! You fucking liberal!

But apparently it was basically a friendly performance, and the story ended there.

Sam Frank, 07/08/05

Why dont people lay off Jordan? Sure, he gambled while playing and cheated on his wife. He™s a notorious bully. He was a horrible GM. He couldnt realize that he was cooked as a player, tarnishing his legacy by making a second comeback. He forced an up and coming to retool their playing style to accomodate his diminishing skills. He called Kwame Brown a faggot. He had Rip Hamilton traded away because he thought he was soft.

But he wears A SUIT, people. What part of that dont you understand? He doesn™t dress like a bad person. A SUIT!

Tommy Hoops, 10/25/05

It™s a sad day when a young man consciously chooses to model himself after the likes of a Colin Cowherd.

I have never rooted for high school bullies before, but please, students of Alex™s school system – do your job. This kid needs a swirlie and a de-panting (de-pantsing) immediately.

I would keep going, but I™ll leave you with the wisdom of my Uncle Dicky – ˜dont trust a man who has never touched a bagina™.

PS – I dont have an Uncle Dicky. He™s just a literary device that I will be leaning on more and more to end posts gracefully. And yes, this post did end gracefully.

Tommy Hoops, 07/12/05

œWe™re a band everyone can agree to listen to on a car trip, Chris Barron said. œWhat should we listen to, Limp Bizkit? ˜No way,™ said the parents. The Doobie Brothers? ˜No way,™ said the kids. Spin Doctors? ˜O.K.™ œ

How good of the guy to own up to his musical career being the equivalent of a form of child abuse.

Brushback, 09/24/05

Jason Star is a great singer and entertainer. Although he™s facing stiff competition in the boy pop star market, he works hard-on his music and his image. The industry has tried to erect barriers to talented inependent artists like Jason, but even if they give him the shaft, he has what it takes to go all the way. He may take a licking from those record industry guys, but rest assured, he gives as good as he gets. If you want to see how much he can give head over to his website and see for yourself. You™ll be blown away by the talent this kid has. As his star rises in Kansas City, he will swallow the competition and beat the critics. Keep up the great work, Jason! I™m a believer and a true fan. You truly are unstoppable!,

Ted Weiner, July 25

Time To Say Something Nice About Marty Schottenheimer

Posted in Gridiron at 8:47 pm by

Denver 23, San Diego 7

A lot of you expert-types who’ve never coached at any level will no doubt be quick to criticize Marty Schottenheimer for allowing Drew Brees (above) to suffer a potentially serious injury in a meaningless game, but let’s give the Chargers coach some credit : despite promising otherwise all week, he did find a way to get Philip Rivers some substantial playing time.

As did John Lynch, but let’s not focus on the negative as we enter a new year.

Serby Vs. The Black Hole

Posted in Gridiron at 2:22 pm by

With the Giants needing a win in Oakland tonight to guarantee the NFC East title, the NY Post’s Steve Serby solicits some negative commentary about Raider Nation.

For Giants fans, more ominous than Kerry Collins’ desire for revenge is their team’s disturbing pattern of getting distracted in an alien stadium. This one, especially on this night, will look and sound as if it has been taken over by Martians.

“Imagine a big, giant Halloween party,” Bob Whitfield said. “Them [jerks] are gonna be dressed up in all kind of costumes. They got the dude in the end zone with three heads. They said he got three little heads in there, it ain’t like a costume. Like Rosie Grier and James Caan stuck together, remember that? ‘The Man With Two Heads.’ Remember that? It’s really more intimidating during the pregame, ’cause right about the second quarter happens, [jerks] are drunk.”

Morton knows the Black Hole from his Jets days.

“If you let ‘em get to you, then it’s over,” Morton said, “because they’ll be on you the whole game.”

Diminuitive Morton laughs hysterically as he tells this story: “There’s this one guy who always dresses … like these platform boots, like a real tall guy, and before the game he’s like, ‘Morton, you need my shoes?’”

Serby notes the Raiders are narrowly leading the Giants in the most penalties assessed in 2005. Even without Bill Callahan, Oakland are defending that Dumbest Team In America title.

Dallas To Host 2007 NHL All-Star Game

Posted in Hockey at 2:06 pm by

The Dallas Stars have been chosen to host the 2007 NHL All-Star Game, an honor slightly more coveted than getting the Arena Bowl, though considerably less exciting than the World Curling Championships.

Islanders coach Steve Stirling on the benching of captain Alexi Yashin for the final 16 minutes of last night’s loss to Ottawa ;

“It was lazy, sloppy and just coming off an awful power play,” Stirling said. “Anything more I have to say?”

No, I think that about covers it. Maybe Stephon Marbury can offer Yashin some sage advice about the right way to handle such a critique.

Several years ago, I had the pleasure of spending Christmas week in Las Vegas, where the IHL’s now defunct Thunder were doing-their-thing at the Thomas & Mack Center. With their fingers on the pulse of something or other, Thunder management arranged for Quiet Riot’s Kevin DuBrow to sing “The Star Spangled Banner”. While it wasn’t quite R. Kelly (or Liz Phair), it was still a memorable rendition (for one thing, it sounded nothing like Slade).

Sidearm Delivery’s Brushback informs us that although the IHL has long since left Vegas, the marketing savvy is still in ample supply. Not only are the ECHL’s Wranglers playing some of their home games at midnight, but a recent contest with the Long Beach Ice Dogs was preceeded by a performance by Mini Kiss.

No minor league hockey love for the Kissfits (shown above), however, which is a very sobering thought on this most unsober of days.

Manny & The Mets, Continued

Posted in Baseball at 11:51 am by

Following on yesterday’s report by the Star-Ledger’s Dan Granziano that tipped Kris Benson to the Orioles, Miguel Tejada to Boston and Manny Ramirez to the Mets, the Daily News’ Bill Madden and Anthony McCarren claim that talks have expanded to include the Devils Rays (again). (link courtesy Chuck Meehan)

The basics of the four-team deal that had the baseball executives buzzing yesterday and would appear to satisfy the needs of all four clubs would have Tejada and Tampa Bay’s Joey Gathright going to the Red Sox to fill Boston’s holes at shortstop and center field.

Ramirez and Baez would go to the Mets, giving them one of the game’s best sluggers and a setup man. The Orioles would satisfy their need at shortstop by getting Julio Lugo from Tampa Bay and add pitching by getting Matt Clement from Boston and possibly Kris Benson from the Mets.

The Devil Rays, who have always been difficult to deal with, especially in complicated transactions, are seeking top prospects and young pitching and would be satisfied in that regard by getting third baseman Andy Marte from Boston and Jae Seo and Aaron Heilman from the Mets. In addition, the Mets would send Kaz Matsui to Tampa to give the D-Rays a stopgap shortstop replacement until prospect B.J. Upton is ready.

An executive with one of the teams called the four-team scenario far-fetched, but an official with another of the teams said he expected to broach such talks.

On the less savory side of things, yesterday Deadspin repeated the rumor that Manny’s reluctance to stay in Boston stems from Mrs. Manny’s unhappiness with his fucking around. This scoop is right up there with Kyle Farnsworth being a jerk. What part of “Manny wants more privacy” was so hard to decipher until now?

Tony Parker’s Furry Sac Campaign

Posted in Basketball, Fashion at 10:21 am by

As seen on the back of a Paris bus, Spurs G Tony Parker (photograph courtesy of Jay Strell). Maybe that bicycle cop really did just want his autograph?

Jon Solomon Visits Tavern, All Hell Breaks Loose

Posted in Gridiron, The Mailbag at 1:51 am by

Dear CSTB,

This afternoon, on my way south from the Volcano Suns reunion show, I stopped off in Manhattan to watch my alma mater play UCLA in the Sun Bowl. It was appropriate that a football game sponsored by Vitalis would make me want to rip out my hair. While I was taking a picture of myself in the bar to remember the game by, I discovered an eerie spectre had appeared in the background of the frame. I’ve attached photographic evidence of my encounter.

Diamond Rio performed at halftime in El Paso. All hail west Texas!

I have to log off before the Bruins return a third onside kick for a touchdown.

Signed,

Mystified in Mercer County

12.30.05

How We Got Here From There : CSTB’s Sports Books Of The Year

Posted in Baseball, Basketball, Sports Journalism at 6:38 pm by

2)

The sport, unfortunately, had been belching the residue of its shortsighted money-grabbing for the better part of a decade. People I have known for many years who were at The Palace of Auburb Hills that night spoke of the anger in the air, palpable and ugly, a gladitorial ambience that over the years had become pervasive in too many NBA arenas. Obviously, this was partly attributable to to the intensity between two physical rivals, but it was more a by-product of a regrettable marketing scheme to create an in-your-face product that was edgy enough to resonate with the young and rebellious, those who would buy the jerseys, play the video games, create the buzz.

However, the fans paying a king’s ransom for the expensive seats were much less forgiving, more easily antagonized upon the sounding of those deep-rooted racial alarms. Drunk or not, too many basketball fans had reached the point where they objectified the players, could not related to them as human beings, or see beyond societal stereotypes and flimsily disguised racial codes. If the imagery of large black men beating on defenseless white fans was alarming, the too-widely accepted pastime of affluent whites feeling empowered to verbally abuse half-dressed, sweaty black men should have enoked even more discomfort and disturbing American historical chapters.

The irony was that, the more the fans shelled out for their seats, the closer they got to the action —- but the closer they got, the wider the gulf between them and players seemed to grow. The arguments over which side of the basketball divide was more to blame could be carried on ad infinitum, but, when all was said and done, the sad spectacle revealed more about how American big business operated, more about profiteering than it did about punches, more about how gluttonous corporations had steered the sport off course and over time created a poweder keg ready to blow on a short racial fuse.

- From Harvey Araton’s ‘Crashing The Borders : How Basketball Won The World and Lost Its Soul At Home’ (Free Press).

1) Howard Bryant’s ‘Juicing The Game : Drugs, Power And The Fight For The Soul Of Major League Baseball’ (Viking).

Horsing Around In The Pacific Northwest

Posted in Going To The Zoo at 6:19 pm by

Following up on one of 2005′s top scoops, Tim Cook writes,

It certainly wasn’t any natural disaster or accomplishments of the local 5, 9 or 11 (Sonics, Mariners or Seahawks), but was, in fact, according to the Times’ Danny Westneat, but was the heartbreaking story of the King County equestrians.

Happy new year!

Creamy Krueger Returns To The Airwaves

Posted in Sports Radio at 12:00 pm by

From the San Francisco Chronicle’s Tom Fitzgerald.

Larry Krueger has a regular radio gig again, nearly five months after being fired as a sports talk host at KNBR for criticizing the Giants’ “brain-dead Caribbean hitters hacking at slop nightly.”

Krueger (above) has been hired by KGO, one of KNBR’s main competitors, as a sports reporter on the weekday, 4-to-7 p.m. program anchored by Greg Jarrett and Rosie Allen.

On the surface, the new job would seem to be new territory from Krueger’s previous show, which allowed him free rein to issue his outspoken views.

At KGO, he’ll basically have a two-minute slot twice an hour in which he’ll give scores, issue news reports and give his opinions.

“People (at KGO) told me they want to get away from (strictly scores and news) and to use my creative abilities to concentrate on things and take a new approach,” Krueger said Thursday, shortly after the station announced his hiring.

“I’ll be trying to concentrate on issues and things that would be appealing to our vast audience.”

Because of the furor over Krueger’s remarks about the Giants — he likened manager Felipe Alou’s mind to “Cream of Wheat” — KGO news director Greg Tantum said he “wanted to take the time to get to know him. We found out he’s a quality human being. I felt that whatever had happened, that was not going to be problem (at KGO). Not because of the negative publicity, he felt very bad as a human being about the whole situation.”

Krueger said his biggest regret about the incident that prompted his firing was “that Felipe didn’t do his due diligence on finding out who I really am, and that he wouldn’t accept word one of an apology from me.”

As for his controversial blast at the team, he said, “I’d go back to what I originally said, that there was never any malicious intent on my part. I’m sorry that Felipe and others were offended, but there was no intent on my part to put anybody down.”