09.30.06

The Fantasy World Of Rep. Mark Foley

Posted in Leave No Child Unbeaten, politics, The Law at 11:33 am by

As you might’ve read elsewhere Republican Rep. Mark Foley (FL) has resigned following allegations he a) sexually harrassed Congressional pages and b) engaged in the sort of instant messaging “have you ever been in a cockpit?” type banter so beloved by predators and aspiring wrestling promoters alike.

With Foley (above, left) facing prosecution under some of the same child protection laws he worked so hard to enact, the Sarasota Herald Tribune provides a bit of background on Foley’s unique career path.

At 23, he launched his political career with an appointment to the Lake Worth City Commission.

In 1990, he became that area’s Republican representative in the state House. Two years later, he moved up to the state Senate.

While a state senator, he fulfilled a longtime fantasy by briefly working as a roadie on an Allman Brothers Band tour.

Though I’m not a member of Foley’s constituency, I find the above passage far more disturbing than his hunting for teen cock online. What sort of a person fantasizes about being Dickey Betts’ guitar tech or Gregg Allman’s beard valet, and how could they be allowed to rise to such a position of influence?

Rating The NFL’s Shittiest QB’s, Statistically Speaking

Posted in Gridiron at 11:06 am by

Setting the standard of “the Kordoza Line” (ie. Kordell Stewart’s career passer rating of 70.7, “the point at which the mediocre are separated from the crappy starting quarterbacks”), Pro Football Talk serves up a rogue’s gallery of underachievers.

Last week, the K-Club included Packers quarterback Brett Favre (70.0), Dolphins quarterback Daunte Culpepper (69.2), Cowboys quarterback Drew Bledsoe (68.0), Redskins quarterback Mark Brunell (67.7), Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme (61.5), Browns quarterback Charlie Frye (above, 56.0), Bucs quarterback Chris Simms (40.0), Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger (38.7), Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer (38.6), Titans quarterback Kerry Collins (26.9), and Raiders quarterback Andrew Walter (19.0).

Through the third weekend of action, several of the guys have graduated, and Chris Simms has been knocked out due to injury. So here’s where they stand as of right now, focusing only on starting quarterbacks: Charlie Frye (68.1), Drew Bledsoe (68.0), Jake Plummer (60.6), Bruce Gradkowski (43.8), Kerry Collins (42.3), Ben Roethlisberger (34.3), Andrew Walter (19.0).

Byron Leftwich narrowly has avoided inclusion on the list with, you guessed it, a passer rating of 70.7.

I don’t mean to tell the New York Post how to conduct business, but Jeremy Shockey’s Friday column has been so boring, I’m tempted to believe he’s actually written it himself.

The Brutal Environment Of The Chinese Super League

Posted in Football at 10:38 am by

From The Offside :

If anyone ever tries to convince you that football isn™t a violent sport just have them call Shenyang Ginde player Liu Jianye (not shown above) and have them ask his opinion on the matter. The teenager will miss the rest of the China Super League season after sustaining a split scrotum in a match on Monday when an opponent kicked him in the nether region.

Liu™s injury might be the second most gruesome to happen to a Shenyang Ginade player this season. In July, Guinea international Ousmane Bangoura lost sight in his right eye after his eyeball was ruptured by an opponent™s cleat.

The Cubs’ Michael Barrett was unavailable for comment.

After falling behind to Southampton earlier today, 1-0 on Jermaine Wright’s strike 2 minutes into the game, QPR have stormed back to take a 2-1 second half lead courtesy of goals from former Saint Dexter Blackstock and the immoveable object that is Ray Jones. The latter goal will likely be a candidate for year-end blooper reels, due to the laughable effort of Southampton keeper Kelvin Davis.

That said, I’m not tempted to start singing “John Gregory’s Blue & White Army”, partially because the gaffer has requested the Boss’ “Jungleland”.

While Peter Crouch was scoring one of the goals of the year against Galatasary in the Champions League this Wednesday night, his house was being trashed and burgled. Earlier today, Crouch’s Liverpool side dropped their third consecutive away match in the Premiership, a 2-0 defeat to Bolton at the Reebok.

In advance of his annual return trip to White Hart Lane tomorrow , former Spurs icon Sol Campbell, currently toiling for Portsmouth, has heard himself described as “the easiest defender I have played against,” by Tottenham’s Mido.  A heck of a statement to make considering Spurs haven’t scored a league goal since August.

There’s a pair of terrific Premiership matches taking place on FSC and Setanta right this moment, respectively, Chelsea v. Aston Villa and Arsenal at Charlton.  In the latter contest, Robin Van Persie just scored his 2nd goal, an absolutely vicious volley taken from just outside the penalty area.  Things have been a bit on the chippy side at the Valley, which brings to mind the logical question, why is the delicious frozen treat known as the Chipwich so difficult to find in Southwestern U.S. supermarkets?

Mike Stanton Sucks Up A Storm For Tim Cook’s Entertainment

Posted in Baseball at 1:30 am by

Dodgers 4, Giants 3

Shortly before SF’s Mike Stanton made a 9th inning hash of Noah Lowry’s competent work, allowing a pinch-hit single to the Dodgers’ Olmedo Saenz, followed by a run-scoring wild pitch, Tim Cook made use of modern technology to file the following reports from San Francisco.

I wound up with seats to see the Dodgers/Giants dustup at AT&T Park (currently 1-0 Giants, T4 1 on, 2 out w/ Lt. Dangle up). Anyway, for some unknown reason, I can’t take my eye off this human obstruction, my section’s usher lady.

Bottom 6th, 3-0 on Randy Winn’s first good at bat in a month, singling
home Eliazer Alfonzo. Winn just doubled off Aaron Sele to start the current frame.

Plus, I made a new friend!

The Name Of Earl Boykins Is Not Dropped Lightly

Posted in Fashion, Internal Affairs, The Mailbag at 1:04 am by

Dear Coco Chanel,

I am interested in purchasing CSTB merchandise, but first I would like answers to the following questions.

1. Why is the “Hooded Sweatshirt” not offered in size small?


2. In your experience, would you say that the “Medium” size would look funny on Earl Boykins (above), or someone who is an inch shorter than Earl Boykins, with extra juggs, and less black?

Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,

Christa Min

Dear Christa,

The CSTB Customer Service Dept. is happy to hear from you.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, Cafe Press show a decided bias towards the hefty and/or lumbering. While our merchandise supplier does not offer the Hoody in size “S”, other products are available in dimensions more appropriate for those of modest height/weight.

09.29.06

Coming Next April : The Boston Flowmax Red Sox

Posted in Baseball, Sports Radio, The Marketplace at 9:27 pm by

Apparently, WEEI selling the naming rights to their Red Sox broadcasts wasn’t nearly enough. The Boston Herald’s Scott Van Voorhis claims the club is eager to get in on the action, too.

For sale: The 2007 Boston Red Sox season.

Just be ready to ante up several million.

Selling the naming rights to a season may be one of the next money-raising gambits by financier John Henry™s business savvy ownership group, the team™sspokesman, Charles Steinberg, confirmed.

That and selling the right to plaster corporate names and logos on homestands and series, too. The Sox marketing whizzes have already taken some batting practice here, selling two series sponsorships in the season™s waning days, including one to the state Lottery.

œIt is a growth area, Steinberg said. œIt™s a good way to augment your revenue, without affecting ticket prices or threatening the ambience (of Fenway).

So the 2007 Red Sox, presented by Mohegan Sun?

As tipped by David Scott some 4 months ago, Red Sox mouthpiece Jerry Trupiano is not expected to return to the club’s radio booth, according to the Globe’s Susan Bickelhaupt.

St. Louis can increase their NL Central lead over Houston to 1 1/2 games if they’re able to hang on to a 8-3 lead over Milwaukee tonight. With Braden Looper in uniform, there’s no sure thing, of course. Houston’s 9 game winning streak came to a halt with a 4-1 loss to Atlanta, a game that might’ve been Roger Clemens’ final big league appearance (as we were reminded about 3 dozen times). Until his next one.

When Will Laptop Wielding Provocateurs Learn To Leave Ricky Manning Alone?

Posted in Gridiron, The Law at 9:04 pm by

From yesterday’s Chicago Sun-Times and Brad Biggs

Facing a felony assault charge and still on probation for a 2002 assault, Bears CB Ricky Manning (above) struck a no-contest plea with prosecutors Tuesday to avoid a possible prison sentence in exchange for three years of probation. Manning, who also must attend 52 weeks of anger-management classes and do 100 hours of community service, maintained he wasn’t to blame for any injuries Soroush Sabzi may have suffered. ”Hopefully [the league] will be fair,” said Manning, who is subject to a fine or suspension for a violation of the personal conduct code. ”I don’t think I deserve a suspension, a harsh punishment. My story hasn’t changed. I said I walked away, and I’m still saying I wasn’t [involved].”

Manning entered the restaurant in the early hours of April 23 and says he asked Sabzi what he was doing working on a laptop computer.

”He responded to me aggressively,” Manning said. ”He told me to go ‘F’ myself. Come to find out later, the guys that he got into it with [after Manning says he left] were messing with him before I got there.

”So I got in the guy’s face and told him, ‘Don’t talk to me like that,’ and I did push him in the face. That’s the only thing that I did was push him in the head. I left it at that. I walked away from the situation. I thought it was done, and that was it.”

Manning claims that after he left, other patrons brawled with Sabzi, knocking him unconscious. Sabzi’s attorney, Aviv L. Tuchman, said his client tore the anterior cruciate ligament in his knee and suffers from post-concussion syndrome. Sabzi has filed a civil suit against Manning.

”[A jury] can say I conspired with those other guys that beat this guy up and because of my involvement, this guy got beat up,” Manning said. ”I just can’t risk that. I would rather put it all in my hands, be on probation, keep my nose clean. … I have to take anger-management classes when I don’t have an anger problem.

”Hopefully the NFL will be more active in this and not let people just take advantage of their players, because I was accused of something that I didn’t do.”

The Chicago Tribune’s Rick Morrisey challenges Lovie Smith’s assertion that Manning is a “high character guy.”

On the day it was revealed cornerback Ricky Manning Jr. had asked a man, “Are you a faggot?” before jabbing him in the head, do you know what the Bears were doing?

Publicly admonishing him for his insensitivity? Asking him why he was with a group of people who, according to a Los Angeles County probation report, called the man “gay,” “geeky,” “a [expletive] Jew” and a “faggot?” Voicing displeasure at having someone on their roster who apparently has trouble handling his anger?

They were taking a few media members to task for their criticism of running back Cedric Benson. They were analyzing film of the Bears’ on-field celebration after the Minnesota game to prove Benson had not been sulking, as several newspaper columns had implied. They were summoning at least one reporter to watch the Happy Cedric film to prove their point.

Remembering Bill Shankly (Frankly)

Posted in Football at 8:43 pm by

Though Liverpool supporters with their minds on the present are still abuzz over former QPR striker Peter Crouch’s wonder goal against Galatasary the other night (YouTube footage), the Fiver’s Paul Doyle and Barry Glendenning take a little stroll down Anfield’s memory lane.

Bill Shankly is the man who kick-started the “50 years of tradition you can’t buy” that Liverpool fans are always screeching about on radio phone-ins and, with today marking the 25th anniversary of his death, it’s no surprise to hear that there was a run on black ribbon across Merseyside today – or that opportunistic scallies are now making a killing in the lucrative bootleg black-armband market.

A commemorative ceremony is being staged at Anfield today for Shankly, who famously led Liverpool to three League titles, two FA Cups and the Uefa Cup. But the Fiver would like to do its own small bit to mark the anniversary of the passing of the man loved so much by Liverpool Football Club that they ejected him from the training ground shortly after his retirement and asked him not to come back, leaving him harbouring no end of resentment and bitterness.

Of course these weren’t the only traits the Scot shared with your average Scouser. Shankly was also renowned for his famous “wit” – having peddled a mediocre line in observations that were only marginally less bland than the kind spouted today by Alan Shearer. Most often misquoted is that one about football being more important than life or death, but the Fiver’s favourite came when Shanks was asked what he thought about the team on the other side of Stanley Park. “There are only two teams in Liverpool,” he harrumphed. “Liverpool and Liverpool reserves.” No doubt he changed his tune when Liverpool showed him the door, forcing him to live out his dotage helping Everton’s youth team.

MLB.com Zeroes In On The Incontinent Demographic

Posted in Baseball, The Marketplace at 8:21 pm by

Perhap acknowledging the unparalleled prosperity experienced by the National Basketball Association and National Hockey League once they made Tommy Heinson and Don Cherry the public faces of their respective sports, MLB has chosen the fetching image above for their postseason campaign.

Horn Tootin’ Time : Roth’s Topps Of The Pops

Posted in It's A Living, Sports Journalism at 8:07 pm by

Frequent CSTB contributor David Roth broke thru to the rarified strata of Slate earlier this week, revealing that his former employer, Topps Inc. was not “a gum-scented, Willy Wonkafied dream palace.” But apparently, the gig had its moments.

My favorite was a card for the St. Louis Rams’ Harvard-educated backup quarterback, Ryan Fitzpatrick. The back text dealt with a question posed to him by his offensive line. Figuring that perhaps he’d covered this in Cambridge, they asked Fitzpatrick what would hurt more: getting kicked by a donkey or whipped in the face by an elephant’s trunk. Fitzpatrick went with the elephant slap. Bruce provided a source, and I checked it. All true.