09.25.07

Surrey County Prosecutor Gerald Poindexter Is Not Ready For His Close Up

Posted in Gridiron, The Law at 3:55 pm by

The fun begins about 1:30 into the above clip. I’ve not heard a falsetto so impressive since Dump’s ‘That Skinny Motherfucker With The High Voice’.

Woody Paige Cruelly Mocked By His Own Newspaper

Posted in Gridiron, Sports Journalism at 1:49 pm by

(Woody, trying very hard not to go over your head)

The Denver Post’s Dana Coffield
is either a masterful satirist or a specialist in condescension, with her Tuesday tips for aspiring female football fans who wish to “learn to talk the talk”.

The National Football League and major sporting goods manufacturers have figured that out, offering all kinds of girly team gear, like the recently released line of Reebok-brand logo wear, proportioned for women and with a little sparkle. But if you’re going to wear a shirt declaring your allegiance to a team, you’d better be prepared to talk sports, says Paula Duffy, who coaches women to be informed fans at incidentalcontact.com.

Duffy, who learned football from her dad (he was a rabid New York sports- team fanatic when she was a girl), says it’s never too late to take up the game, even if it takes some work to learn the playbook.

Don’t fake it. “We all know where faking gets us on other fields of play. With sports, it’s the same thing,” Duffy says wryly.

Start with the basics. A good first stop? Ivette Ricco’s femmefan.com. Click on “Talk the talk” and page through Football 101. Duffy also likes Denver Post sports columnist Woody Paige for his ability to distill the important parts of the game without writing in language that can be decoded only by someone with a lifetime of football knowledge. “He has a strong feminine side,” Duffy says.

Learn some basics. Duffy advises scanning the sports headlines and looking for articles that are less about the “grunt work of X’s and O’s,” and more about the human interest. “You’ll find a way to connect.”

Ask someone like Woody. Learning the ins and outs of football is like “getting on a merry-go-round that’s been spinning for 100 years,” so you’ll have to find someone open to teaching you the nuances, Duffy says. “Fans who have never played the game are more open to including women, and men who have daughters are usually OK with it, too.”

Nash’s Mom Continues To Dress Him Funny

Posted in Football at 1:17 pm by

Do former Tottenham trialists get the new shirt for free? ‘Cause I’d hate to think Steve Nash had to pay for one that ugly. (pic copped from The Offside)

Maybe this takes the sting off the manager being fired via text message : in the wake of Barca’s Frank Rijkaard benching Ronaldinho against Sevilla, ESPN’s scrolling Bottom Line claims the Brazilian striker is poised for a move to Chelsea in 2008. I’m not sure how Bristol U’s ticker has managed to scoop the rest of the global media on this alleged fact, but until next summer rolls around, we can’t say they’re wrong for sure, can we?

Admittedly, soccer coverage at CSTB has been slight of late, and I’m truly sorry for that. And while I’m sure Blackburn Rovers and Mark Hughes would’ve prefered not to lose the first leg of their UEFA Cup opening round tie last Thursday, at least they were beaten by a club named after the late, great guitarist Larissa Strickland.

Raissman Polishes Keith’s Hall Of Fame Plaque…

Posted in Baseball, Sports TV at 12:33 pm by

…because he’s going in as a broadcaster.

OK, that’s a massive stretch, but I’m loathe to argue with The New York Daily News’ Bob Raissman and his description of Keith Hernandez’ vent-fest during last Friday night’s Mets/Fish marathon, an outburst the Gallagher lookalike calls, “a vintage performance. By far the best, by any local baseball analyst, this season.”

At one point, Gary Cohen described Hernandez as “testy.” Testy? Please. This guy was in the mood for mayhem. It started early with Hernandez (fourth inning) saying Florida “is sleepwalking, that’s all there is to it,” before destroying Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla after he committed a throwing error.

“We’ve seen enough of Uggla,” Hernandez said. “That’s just all about baseball instincts. He doesn’t have any.”

Not all Mex’s targets were on the field. He told a story (fifth inning) about going to a bookstore and cutting in front of a group of teenagers to pay for a newspaper.

“I said, ‘I’m sorry, did I cut in front of you? The kid goes, ‘Yeah, you just did.’ I almost got in his face. He was a smart you-know-what,”

Hernandez said. “I just bit my tongue. That all I needed to do, beat up a 14-year-old. I can see the headlines: Hernandez sends 14-year-old to the hospital.”

Cohen: “How about Hernandez arrested for assault.”

The bashing continued in the fifth. A jubilant Chris Seddon appeared on the screen, toweling off in the dugout after being lifted with only 75 pitches under his belt.

“Why is he smiling? He should be saying: ‘Leave me in. I’m not tired.’ It’s just absolutely amazing,” Hernandez said. “… Lowering the bar, across the board.”

In the seventh, Hernandez took issue with several Mets who didn’t rush to the dugout steps to protect Paul Lo Duca from a potential fall as he caught a foul fly. In the eighth, Willie Randolph got toasted.

With the Mets up 6-3 and Marlins on first and second, Todd Linden ripped a single down the third-base line, scoring a run. Hernandez said Wright should have been guarding the line.

“That’s not David’s fault. That’s what Willie Randolph wants to do,” Hernandez, in a disgusted tone, said. “I’m sorry, from the seventh inning on you guard the line.”

Linden wound up being thrown out the plate, trying to score from second, by Moises Alou, giving Hernandez another opportunity to vent.

“What in the world is third base coach Bo Porter doing here?” an incredulous Hernandez asked. “I’ve seen more shoddy third base coaching on the major league level the last three years than I have in my entire major league career.”

I Suppose This Means Mike Diana’s “Boiled Angel” Isn’t Appropriate For Kids, Either

Posted in Free Expression, The Law at 12:20 pm by

Dan Clowes, “borderline pornographer”.

Fitzy Did It (Much) Better

Posted in Baseball, Free Expression at 3:12 am by

Played out? Mos def. But look at it this way — no matter how badly the Giants lose to Philly next Sunday night, chances are slim anyone will attempt a “Leave Tom Coughlin Alone” video.

Another Shining Moment In Jeffrey Loria’s Marlins Ownership

Posted in Baseball at 2:46 am by

Florida pitching coach Rick Kranitz (above) left the club Monday with 6 games remaining in the 2007 season. SNY’s Gary Cohen, otherwise consumed with Mike Pelfrey’s control problems (and Guillermo Mota’s inability to mop up properly) though the situation curious enough to comment on (“maybe Scott Olson drove him crazy?”), as did Rebuilding Year’s Josh Rosen, noting “Kranitz was the Baseball America Coach Of The Year in 2006 and he only made $80,000.  In Miami, where the cost of living is high! The Marlins are so fucking cheap. As Dave Samson should know, you cant even buy a good penis pump for $80K.” The Sun-Sentinel’s Juan C. Rodriguez seems to concur, promising, “take it to the house, this had everything to do with money.”

The Marlins and Kranitz didn’t exactly have an easy negotiation last offseason. The Marlins finally gave him a $30,000 raise to $110,000. This year, there would be no negotiating. Kranitz would take a $5,000 raise or he could go elsewhere.The Marlins wanted an answer Sunday. Kranitz was not prepared to give one. No waythe Marlins were going to leave open the door in the event Kranitz didn’t land a more lucrative position.

You have to think Kranitz will emerge from this OK. Joe Girardi likely will get a managerial job this offseason and Kranitz probably is the first guy he’ll call.

Beinfest was complimentary of Kranitz’s performance considering the injuries and personnel he had to work with. When 26 different pitchers take the mound over the course of a season, it doesn’t matter who the pitching coach is.

As far as who might replace Kranitz, have to think the Marlins will give Mark Wiley another sniff. Wiley was the pitching coach here in 2005, which happened to be the year Dontrelle Willis won 22 games. The Marlins hired Girardi the following offseason and he wanted to bring in his own guy.

Have heard Leo Mazzone might be done in Baltimore, but I would cross him off the list. Mazzone is the Rudy Jaramillo of pitching coaches. In other words, too expensive for the Marlins to consider. Had Kranitz accepted the raise, he still would have been the worst compensated major league pitching coach for a third straight year.

09.24.07

A Floptastic Chorus Line

Posted in Basketball at 9:24 pm by

From left to right : Glen Rice, Danny Elfman Desmond Askew the dipshit from The Fray, unidentified male, Scott Pollard, and your host, Vlade Divac.

Somebody Tell Will Leitch The Yanks Aren’t Laughing At A-Rod, They’re Laughing With Him

Posted in Baseball, Blogged Down, Sports Journalism at 6:07 pm by

Lost by some amidst the quickly refuted reports there’s sort of Cubs ownership stake in the offing for The Third Baseman, was the following tidbit in Monday’s New York Magazine, penned by the ever-versatile Will Leitch.

Since early September, Rodriguez has developed what might charitably be called a œtic. When he reaches base, he rotates his left shoulder while holding his right hand over his heart. He claims that he™s stretching out a jammed shoulder. It™s an odd maneuver; it makes him look like he™s in pain. As Rodriguez rounded the bases after hitting his 50th home run in early September, becoming the first Yankee to hit that many since Mickey Mantle and Roger Maris, the Yankees bullpen, almost in unison, began rotating their left shoulders and holding their right hands over their hearts. When A-Rod reached the dugout, several other teammates were doing the same thing. As the blog Bronx Banter pointed out, an MVP, carrying his team to the playoffs, facing impending free agency, was being mocked for his idiosyncrasies the second he was cementing himself as the team™s best slugger of the past 50 years. However good-natured it was, it™s the kind of thing that does not speak to an undying attachment between player and team.

Adds Lupe Velez, “I interpreted it differently but hey, who am i to argue with the Deadspin guy. I’m sure he’d see the ribbing as a sinister, unfluffy ritual were A-Rod a Cardinal, right?” And sure enough, the original scoop-worthy entry from Bronx Banter’s Alex Belth, aided by a passage from the September 9th New York Times, characterized the incident as….uh, good-natured ribbing.

From the Times’ Pat Borzi :

A row of Yankees at the bullpen fence rolled their left arms in an inside-joke salute to Rodriguez, who hurt his left shoulder sliding headfirst last week and looked unsteady in subsequent feet-first slides. œI™ve never seen a team make more fun of one guy than this team, Rodriguez said, smiling. œThat was pretty funny.

Though dumping on Leitch has long been in vogue around these parts, I certainly hope others who’ve managed to dissect his flimsy New York offering aren’t accused of harboring a vendetta. Like, for instance, River Ave. Blues’ Ben K.

Unless Alex Rodriguez is an Academy Award-worthy actor, I don™t think he was too offended by the shoulder shenanigans. He was laughing it up with the bullpen and dugout when that shoulder thing hit. The Yankees were taking a serious situation ” a potential shoulder injury to their number one slugger ” and turning it into a joke. No one on the team was unconcerned, but they were impressed that A-Rod was hitting bombs with a sore shoulder. To take it as anything else is, in my opinion, a gross representation of the problem. Next up is another claim Leitch makes that I™m not too keen to accept. œWhen Rodriguez and Boras sit down this off-season and make their pros-and-cons chart, you™d have to imagine ˜Chicago Tribune Won™t Run Photo of My Night Out With a Buxom Blonde and Write That I™m Into the œShe-Male, Muscular Type˜ would be rather high up the list, he writes.

While The Tribune may not run A-Rod out of town, Jay Mariotti and The Sun Times sure will. If anyone knows that, it™s Will Leitch who, at Deadspin, has written extensively about Mariotti. The Chicago media will be just as brutal on A-Rod as the New York media has or hasn™t been this year. They won™t suddenly display oodles of midwestern hospitality. Chicago is a sports town with a history of mediocrity and flat-out failure. They™re sick of it, and they won™t take it lying down.

As much respect as I have for Will Leitch, I don™t like this article. For reasons of journalistic integrity, despite the thoroughness of the New York Magazine fact department, I don™t like the sources; I don™t like how MLB never had the chance to respond to these ownership claims in Leitch™s article. And as a Yankee fan, I don™t like to imagine A-Rod elsewhere.

Tony Kornheiser’s Purple Reign Of Error

Posted in Fashion, Gridiron, Sports TV at 4:56 pm by

And all of a sudden, Philly’s throwback jerseys are no longer the ugliest looking garments of NFL Week 3.

The Late El Duce On The Hot Seat

Posted in Free Expression, Rock Und Roll at 4:40 pm by

Sure, it’s a mess. But no worse than Jim Rome baiting Jim Everett.

If You’re Looking For The Perfect Gift For Tim Marchman….

Posted in Baseball at 4:19 pm by

….he might prefer something other than this t-shirt. Of the sorta-kinda-almost recovered New York Mets, the Sun’s baseball columnist writes, despite 3 consecutive wins in Miami, “they seem less than the sum of their parts, and even when they win, sometimes it’s like they’re going down without fighting.”

Yesterday, for instance, with the Mets down by one, Willie Randolph brought in Guillermo Mota, who these days is giving up more than a run per batter faced. He managed to not give up a run, and in the Mets’ next turn at bat, they managed to score four, with Carlos Delgado getting a much-needed big hit. Since Mota had managed not to blow things, it was clear someone else would, and of course he did: Aaron Heilman walked the first two batters he faced and hit another while giving up two. Then, Billy Wagner surrendered a home run to the first batter he saw.

A team that wins after playing like this has not so much won as not lost. The Mets did the same on Friday, when they scored eight unearned runs in a game they won by three. Every good moment seems a bit tainted. Yesterday, David Wright scored a game-tying run, speared an eighth-inning line drive to get out of a jam before Heilman imploded, and drove in the game-winning run to cap a series in which he’d gone 9-for-18. All of this, though, just made up for Thursday’s game, in which he inexplicably threw away a routine grounder that should have ended the game, which the Mets went on to lose. Saturday’s win, behind a brilliant Oliver Perez start, was a great one. But then the Mets went out the next day and blew up once again.

It’s been a long time since the Mets won a World Series. Babies born the day Bill Buckner booted the famous ball are just a month away from legal drinking age. Ever since then, every Mets team has been under enormous and increasing pressure. Years of frustration are starting to weigh on the fans. Still, it’s almost as if everyone has forgotten the team’s whole history. Every time they fall apart, they somehow come back stronger. Wright throws away a ball to blow a game. Then he goes out, and for three days proves that he deserves the MVP award. It’s a perfect Mets story. One more win, and they just might get to be likable again.

Phillip Humber, rather than Diabolical Dave Williams, will start for the Mets against the Nationals on Wednesday night. While queasy persons who may or may not look like me contemplate a postseason roster spot being wasted on an injured El Duque for the second year in a row, Rickey Henderson would like to assure us that if activated, “I could outrun the guys on my team. They’re fast but they ain’t that fast.”

Molori Challenges Barry Switzer’s Social Activism

Posted in Blogged Down, Gridiron, Racism Corner, Sports TV at 1:34 pm by

Though saving his best line for Terry Bradshaw (“I understand he’s battled depression for years, but when it comes to psychology, Bradshaw has experience as a patient, not as a professional”), Media Blitz’ John Molori suffered through “Fox NFL Sunday” and can’t resist poking holes in the program’s analysis of Donovan McNabb’s recent remarks about black quarterbacks.

In response to McNabb™s comments, Barry Switzer stated, œI thought that we were long past this but I look at it this way. I played a black quarterback in 1972, before Donovan was ever born.”

œHe thinks that maybe he™s being criticized with what he™s going through today. It didn™t compare to what my guys had to go through.

Exactly who is the œwe that Switzer is referring to when he says that we are long past this? How does he even begin to know what it feels like to be an African-American quarterback? Maybe he has some tertiary knowledge based on players he has coached, but he has never coached McNabb.

Moreover, Switzer™s comments make it sound as if McNabb is being disrespectful to those who came before him. On the contrary, McNabb is a part and a product of past struggles, and there is a real difference in the histories of white and African-American quarterbacks.

I take McNabb at his word for one simple reason. He is an African-American quarterback and I am not. As for Bradshaw and Switzer, their ignorant analysis and opinions served not to refute McNabb™s points, but rather to give them even more credence.

Misinterpreted BBC Headline Of The Year

Posted in Baseball, Genocidal Tendencies at 11:26 am by

At the risk of channeling Emily Litella, I must admit, my first reaction reading the above story before sunrise was, “if Rwanda wants to hold Captain Fucko responsible for aiding and abetting genocide, that’s fine with me.”

Man Named Buerhle Hunts For Bear

Posted in Baseball, Going To The Zoo at 11:11 am by

“Is Ozzie G a size queen?” is the question posed by RW370′s Rob Warmowski, which might be one way of explaining the trade of Tadahito Iguchi.

It’s probably well-known by now that some White Sox, freed of October commitments,took a trip up to Minnesota to do a little animal killing. While there’s nothing gay at all about affectionate men bonding in the woods to “bag” a “bear”, White Sox LHP Mark Buehrle, DH Jim Thome, RF Jermaine Dye and C AJ Pierzynski’s recent no-girls-allowed hunting trip had the unintended effect of showing exactly what’s on skipper Ozzie Guillen’s mind:

“The kill, which seemed to be a proud moment for the whole group, came in for a little ribbing from manager Ozzie Guillen, who said the bear was not even as big as pitching coach Don Cooper.”

Sonny Vaccaro’s College Tour

Posted in Basketball, The Marketplace at 9:17 am by

As noted in this space earlier, James Gandolfini has tapped the story of legendary sneaker pimp Sonny Vaccaro for an upcoming HBO film. Pete Thamel, writing in Friday’s New York Times, attended the first of what could be many speaking engagements for the former Nike, Adidas and Rebok representative.

A career and life riddled with contrasts added another Wednesday night when Vaccaro, who at 67 still describes himself as a renegade, gave a 90-minute speech at the Harvard Law School.

The latest contrast is that one of the most vocal critics of the N.C.A.A., and an ardent supporter of players skipping college for professional careers, is in demand on the academic circuit. Vaccaro is to speak at Yale on Friday and at Maryland on Sept. 26. In the spring, he spoke at Pennsylvania and at Duke.

Perhaps Vaccaro™s most intriguing criticism came from the N.C.A.A.™s decision to question the standardized test score of the Southern California freshman O. J. Mayo. Mayo, one of the top high school recruits in the country, took the standardized test only once, according to Vaccaro.

The N.C.A.A. questioned the validity of the score. Scores are typically questioned only when there is a significant leap from one score to the next. Mayo took the handwriting sample and is eligible to play this season.

œThey assumed he was cheating, they told him he was a no-good illiterate, Vaccaro said.

The speech began with Vaccaro greeting, and sometimes hugging, most of the 30 people in attendance. It meandered from touring with the rock group Grand Funk Railroad to George Gervin signing his first pro contract on a napkin. Vaccaro talked gleefully of buying airplane tickets for the parents of college players, saying that he had a œdeal with USAir in the 1980s. He also talked about the racial bias of critics railing against the exploitation of young black basketball players, but not white golfers and tennis players.

No Mention of the Butthole Surfers

Posted in Sports TV, The World Of Entertainment at 4:38 am by

Kevin Sherrington of the Dallas Morning News checks in with Jerry Haynes (above, middle), who did a little sports when he wasn’t “Mr. Peppermint” of kid’s TV fame.

…He remembers what it was like growing up in Plano and Dallas with football on his mind, even if he was too small to play.

“I went out for the basketball team, and the coach tripped me on a fast break,” he said. “I figured this wasn’t for me, either.”

Still, his love of sports remained undiminished, inflamed by his years as an SMU student following Doak Walker and Bobby Layne.

He wanted to be a sports announcer. Got his start in the SMU press box providing stats for Bill Stern.

“He was kinda full of it,” Haynes said. “If he didn’t have the stats, he’d just make them up. Once Doak had to come out of a game, and we were so high up you couldn’t even see their faces.

“But Bill told the audience, ‘There were tears in that boy’s eyes …’ ”

Still, the job had its perks. Celebrities visited the cramped booth. Bob Hope came up once, as did a famous dancer.

Said Haynes: “I got to rub knees with Cyd Charisse.”

Easy, Peppermint.

Haynes worked some high school games but eventually gave up on a play-by-play career. Too excitable on air, he said. He trained as an actor in New York and returned to Dallas in ’52, when he took a job as sports anchor at WFAA because it was the only position open.

Lasting memories? He talked to Babe Didrikson by phone as she lay dying from cancer in a Galveston hospital. He could barely contain himself interviewing Dizzy Dean. And a forgetful Kyle Rote once sprinted four blocks for an interview after watching Haynes promote him as a guest at the top of the telecast.

Haynes’ favorite sports line on camera: When SMU’s basketball team departed for a game in San Francisco, he said, “Off they flew into the shadow of big Bill Russell.

Presumably no one ever said Gibby wasn’t big enough to play.

Milton Bradley Puts 101% Effort Into Getting Tossed

Posted in Baseball at 2:01 am by

Colorado’s 7-3 win at Petco Sunday afternoon was the Rockies’ 8th consecutive, moving the visitors within 1.5 games of the NL Wild Card lead after a contest marked by a unique exchange — even by the unusual standards of the ticking time bomb that is San Diego outfielder Milton Bradley. From the AP’s Bernie Wilson :

Milton Bradley was ejected and then injured his right knee during a bizarre sequence in the eighth inning.

He reached on a two-out single, then said something to umpire Mike Winters. During Kevin Kouzmanoff’s at-bat, it escalated into an argument and manager Bud Black came running out.

Bradley went after Winters, was restrained by coach Bobby Meacham, then was ejected. Bradley continued to go after Winters. Black tried to restrain Bradley, grabbing him by the jersey and tackling him to the ground. Bradley grabbed his right knee and had to be helped off the field.

Milton’s side of the story, as quoted by CBS Sports.com :

Bradley, whose volatile temper has overshadowed his talent during his career, called it “the most unprofessional and most ridiculous thing I’ve ever seen.”

“It’s terrible. And now, because of him, my knee’s hurt,” said Bradley, a second-half catalyst for the Padres who was in his third game back from an injury that sidelined him for nearly two weeks. “If this costs me my season because of that, he needs to be reprimanded. I’m taking some action. I’m not going to stand pat and accept this because I didn’t do nothing wrong.”

Asked about his knee, Bradley said: “I’ve got to get an MRI. It’s killing me, though.”

09.23.07

Raissman’s MSG Lament : There Used To Be A Local Sports Highlights Show Here

Posted in Basketball, Sports TV, The Law at 9:11 pm by

If James Dolan’s electronic house organ — the unwatchable “MSG, NY” chose to feature even a scintilla of coverage of the Anucha Browne Sanders sexual harassment trial, the network might actually register, in the words of the Daily News’ Bob Raissman “a Nielsen rating actually higher than ones recorded for the Emergency Broadcast Signal or the latest Ab Rocker infomercial.”

At his press conference on Jan. 25, 2006, Isiah Thomas looked out at the assembled notebooks and microphones and, with conviction, stated: “I did not harass Anucha (Browne Sanders).”

And yet that very evening, on MSG Network’s “SportsDesk,” video of Thomas’ riveting press conference never aired. Nor was there one word about the sexual harassment lawsuit Browne Sanders filed against Thomas, the Garden, and Cablevision boss James Dolan.

Dolan, the man who testified he, and only he, makes “all” Garden decisions, could not make the lawsuit vanish from the court docket but he made it invisible on his alleged TV network.

This was just more vintage Garden stupidity. On that January day, Thomas came off as credible and convincing. Instead of presenting this image to the court of public opinion, MSG left it on the cutting-room floor. Thomas was hung out to dry by Dolan. On that day, Thomas needed to put his message out, especially to Knicks fans who tune into MSG.

Instead, Dolan elected to censor it.

Since that time, “SportsDesk,” once a legitimate sports news operation until Dolan turned into a laughingstock – his personal propaganda arm – disappeared. It was replaced by “MSG, NY.” The show purports to present sports and entertainment news (basically shilling for upcoming Garden concerts).

Just like on the old “SportsDesk,” there have been no reports concerning the Browne Sanders trial. The Garden’s PR lackeys put the word out to their media audience that “MSG, NY” does not cover this kind of news.

That line is nothing more than a recycled MSG lie. It’s the same spin another Garden robot issued in 1999, when “SportsDesk” failed to cover a story about an indictment of the owner of the Atlanta-based Gold Club, which alleged he – at no charge – provided women and booze to Patrick Ewing and also arranged a party that included a live sex show for several unidentified Knicks in Charleston, S.C. in the spring of 1997.

Not only was that story never reported on “SportsDesk,” Ewing and the Knicks’ involvement was never mentioned by Dolan’s handpicked shills who babble into the microphones on Knicks telecasts. Under Dolan, truthful reporting on the MSG Network – or on Knicks and Rangers telecasts – has never been a priority.

Lions Distracted By Iggles’ Ugly Unis

Posted in Gridiron at 5:57 pm by

(were Brian Westbrook not donning a mouthguard, you could hear him ask “can we play you every week?”)

Though I’m tempted to claim the concession on the “Calvin Johnson’s Back Injury Has Ruined The Rookie Of The Year Race As We Know It” tee’s, ’tis somewhat hard not to be in awe of Philly’s offensive explosion today. First person to suggest the Detroit secondary had to do just a little bit less to be so throughly abused by Kevin Curtis is banned from the CSTB comments section for the next 30 minutes.

There’s been a fair bit of channel surfing at Chez I Hate Everybody today, and as much as I wish I could’ve enjoyed Brett Favre’s turn-back-the-clock routine against the Chargers, it was really hard to concentrate above the sound of Marty Schottenheimer giggling.

It looks as though there’s someting approaching a quarterback controversy in Phoenix. A controversy other than, “why did the backup QB marry his mother?”

Of Randy Moss’ 2 TD, 5 catch, 115 yard performance today, the Hooded Casanova said “There™s a lot of things he can still work on.” Indeed, you’ll note Moss does absolutely nothing when New England’s opposition has the ball.

Never let it be said that Lane Kiffin isn’t a fast learner. A week after his kicker was psyched out by what Signal To Noise called Mike Shanahan’s “absolute douchebaggery”, Kiffin pulled a similar stunt to cost Phil Dawson and Cleveland a last-second win at Oakland.

Bi-Polar Barret Update

Posted in Gridiron, The Law at 3:18 pm by

The former All-Pro Oakland center behind one of the most popular commentary threads in CSTB’s short history is back in the public eye. Or he would be, if anyone knew what he looked like. The Miami Herald’s David Ovale explains.

Barret Robbins, the former NFL football player shot and wounded by a Miami Beach police officer after a brawl, is a fugitive.Robbins violated his Florida probation by failing to take medication for a bipolar disorder while living in his native Texas, authorities say.

”We will extradite him back to Florida,” Ed Griffith, a spokesman for the Miami-Dade state attorney’s office, vowed Friday.

But police in Florida and Texas don’t know where he is.

Supervising Robbins was complicated by bureaucratic delays, because Robbins left Florida without ever having an official state corrections photo taken of him. The result was he never had a probation officer in Texas.

Robbins, 34, was shot multiple times on Jan. 15, 2005, by a Miami Beach officer. Three officers were responding to a burglary call at an office above a nightclub when they encountered the hulking football player. Three officers were injured — one had his head rammed through the wall.

On Friday, fliers were circulated to Miami Beach police officers warning them to be on the lookout.

”Robbins was a professional football player and is very agile and violent,” the flier reads.

But Robbins attorney, Edward O’Donnell, doubts his client has returned to Florida.

”The last place Barret is going to go is Miami Beach,” O’Donnell stressed.

Robbins’ former club is in action today at the The Black Hole against the visiting Browns. Derrick Burgess isn’t in uniform for the Raiders, and Fernando Jimenez Gonzalez is expected to miss the game as well. Burgess is suffering from a calf injury, while Gonzalez — not to our knowledge, an Oakland fan, drowned in a vat of sulfuric acid.

Best On Shrinking Violet Boomer

Posted in Sports Radio at 1:54 pm by

Against better judgement (ok, I’m too lazy to change stations that early in the morning), I’ve listened to WFAN’s new morning duo of Boomer Esiason and Craig Carton a few times. While I’m not about to nominate either for a Marconi Award this early, there’s something a little surprising about the degree to which Carton is carrying the show. Newsday’s Neil Best is amongst those struck by the timidity of the former Bengals/Jets QB.

When a caller told Carton (above) he was an “idiot” and Carton called him one back, Esiason said, “I am not going to call our callers idiots.”

When Carton was on a riff about the benefits of workplace porn or some such thing, Esiason said, “I find you offensive right now.”

Later, Esiason pulled a verbal punch as he discussed Isiah Thomas making a distinction between a certain offensive word aimed at black women based on whether it came from a black or white man.

Esiason said he found Thomas’ thinking to be . . . [long pause] … “problematic.”

Problematic! Whoa. Can you say that on radio?

The X-factor is Carton, who comes off as a less dangerous version of Sid Rosenberg, a live wire with a distinctive voice – the chatty wise guy who keeps everyone entertained as long as he lives on the edge and doesn’t fall off of it.

Carton even has shown a journalistic streak, prying newsworthy quotes out of Jim Fassel Wednesday, as well as a touch for literate but blunt observations. He compared A-Rod to Achilles, an “imperfect superhero with two little problems: One of them is October and the other is blonde strippers.”

This could work, given enough time, assuming Esiason doesn’t get tired (literally) of getting up at 4 a.m. and of the dominant force of Carton’s personality.

It would help if he stopped deferring. During a discussion of the Thomas trial, he started interviewing Carton about his opinions rather than expressing his own.

The closest he got to controversy was a sarcastic line about being a misunderstood “former Norwegian quarterback,” a shot at Donovan McNabb for saying blacks at the position face greater scrutiny.

Perhaps Mike Patrick Has Some Useful Advice For Amy Winehouse & Pete Doherty, Too?

Posted in Gridiron, Sports TV at 1:34 pm by

Because there’s a time and place for everything.

Scott Schoeneweis – As Smart As He Is Reliable

Posted in Baseball, Fitness, Medical Science at 1:03 pm by

Though I’d much rather concentrate on a pair of consecutive wins in Miami — not to mention the club’s hitting streak record being broken by the urine soaked hands of Moises Alou the Newark Star Ledger’s Don Burke quizzes a pair of Mets relievers about their chewing tobacco habits. If you needed any further testament to the habit-forming qualities of the stuff, consider that Scott Schoeneweis (above), despite having lost a testicle to cancer, continues to chew.

“I’m addicted to it,” said the Schoeneweis, who said he doesn’t dip while he’s pitching because it gives him cotton mouth. “I’m not proud of it. But I’m a good person most of the time.

“If that’s the worst thing I do then, oh well, so be it.”

“I’m going to die when the good Lord takes me,” said Mets reliever Billy Wagner, “whether it’s from this or something else. If you’re going to go, you’re going to go. That’s the way it is.”

Like Schoeneweis, Wagner is among a handful of Mets who dip. Wagner, who was raised in rural Virginia and began chewing as a teenager, always has a six-pack of Copenhagen and a pouch of Red Man in his locker.

“You have your vices, I have mine,” Wagner said.

Schoeneweis is involved with Ronald McDonald House Charities and makes appearances on behalf of the foundation. His father-in-law, Ken Barun, retired last year as the president and CEO of the organization.

During his talks with the young cancer patients, Schoeneweis lets them know he understands what they’re gong through.

He said he doesn’t think he’s sending a mixed message.

“I’m not walking around with (tobacco) at speaking engagements,” Schoeneweis said. “I keep it at the field. I know that the camera is not on me very often and in the game I don’t use it. I’m not flaunting it when I’m signing autographs and talking to kids.

“Besides, that’s not the point of the message. …Whatever I do after the fact is my own personal business and has nothing to do with the message.”

“I know plenty of guys whose faces haven’t fallen off though,” said Schoeneweis, who said he has always gotten a clean bill of health when screened each spring. “They just tell me to move (the dip) around.

“We’ll see what happens. Sometimes I get a little nervous about it. But I really don’t think about it. I didn’t do anything to get cancer (in college), so it’s a crap shoot. My grandmother smoked 700 cigarettes a day and lived fine. Certain people don’t do anything and they get brain cancer.”

Speaking of vets who’ve always exercised terrific judgement, Captain Red Ass just took Florida’s Chris Sneddon over the left field wall for a 2-run HR, as the Mets and Fish are tied at 2.

Where’s Mike Gundy Now?

Posted in Gridiron at 11:57 am by

All over the interweb!  Oklahoma State’s 49-45 shootout victory over Texas Tech was certainly good enough to delay gazing at Texas’ rout of Rice last night, but the game itself finished a poor second to the following YouTube meltdown of OSU coach Mike Gundy.

(video link swiped from The Lost Ogle, heads up courtesy Jason Cohen)

Conduct unbecoming a highly paid educator? Perhaps. But an awesome audition for a future Coors Light commercial.