With Apologies To Awful Announcing, Would Anyone Like To Take A Crack At This One?

Posted in Gridiron at 2:50 pm by

The above photograph by the Boston Herald‘s Matthew West was captioned, “Coach Bill Belichick gets a big laugh out of running back Kevin Faulk as he holds up one of Randy Moss™ new shoes (adorned with the star™s face) in the locker room yesterday.”  I have a sneaking suspicion that even on a holiday, one of you could come up with something else.

Paging Joel Zumaya : Mike Conley’s Guitar Hero Challenge

Posted in Basketball, Video Games at 1:22 pm by

Sounds like fun, sure, but I’m holding out until I can take on Hamed Haddadi on Dance Dance Revolution.

Pittsburgh Court Pisses On America’s Spirit Of Innovation

Posted in Gridiron, Sad Toilets, The Law at 9:59 am by

The Minneapolis Star-Tribune’s Jim Walsh reports the two gentleman responsible for the creation and sale of The Original Whizzinator — at one time, the dildo du jour of the Vikings Onterrio Smith and thespian titan Tom Sizemore — have entered guilty pleas on conspiracy charges.

Robert Catalano and George Wills, who owned online-based Puck Technology, entered their pleas Monday for conspiring to defraud the federal agency that administers federal workplace drug testing programs. The California men are scheduled to be sentenced in February and face up to eight years in prison, a $500,000 fine or both.

The device, which was available in five flesh colors and sold for $150, included a prosthetic penis attached to an undergarment resembling a jock strap. It connected to a pouch containing dehydrated urine. Water was added to the pouch and a heat pack could be attached to keep the urine close to body temperature.

Marbury : Nothing If Not Consistent

Posted in Basketball at 9:40 am by

I missed the Knicks’ 110-96 loss at Detroit last while in transit (and watching a playoff caliber last-second Magic win over Philly on Dave Checkett’s tiny airplane TV), a defeat New York suffered with only 9 available players — that is, if you consider Jerome James fit and ready to play. Nate Robinson’s groin injury has rendered the diminutive guard unavailable, while questions surrounding the heart condition of newly aquired Cuttino Mobley remain unresolved, at least to the Knicks’ satisfaction.  Predictably, for the second time in 6 days, all eyes are on Stephon Marbury, with Newsday’s Alan Hahn reporting Marbury was so late in arriving for last night’s game in Auburn Hills, MI, his teammates presumed he’d already been suspended or sent home.  It’s not only Mike D’Antoni and Donnie Walsh who are frustrated with Marbury, as Quentin Richardson tells the Daily News’ Frank Isola, “I don’t look at him as a teammate.”

“He hasn’t played with us all year,” Richardson added. “Regardless of what you have going on with the organization or what you have going on with your coach or whatever. You’re not going to allow your teammates to be left out there the way we were basically being left out there.

“This is directed at us regardless if you’re trying to stick it to whoever you’re trying to stick it to. At the end of the day we’re shorthanded, people are hurt. Once again, I don’t pay attention to (Stephon) because I don’t look at him as a teammate anyway.”

“Right now, he’s the furthest thing from my mind,” said Richardson. “We got a pretty good thing going. I’m trying to hold on to that. He’s not trying to be part of this team. He’s voiced that. That’s what it is. So why would I waste my time thinking about him.”

Cecilio’s Scribe points out the Knicks have committed a staggering $36,584,460.00 in ’08-09 salary to three guys who’ve not played one minute this season, Marbury, Jerome James and Eddy Curry, and while WFAN’s Steve Somers observes, “your Cablevision bill is going to go up, anyway”, I’d bet Walsh is more inclined to attempt voiding Marbury’s contract than concede on a buyout.   Not counting cameos at Lincoln High practices, it’s becoming increasingly difficult to fathom exactly where Marbury plans to play basketball after his Knicks status is finally settled.


No Fans, No Problem : Atletico Madrid Progresses Thru Champions League In Privacy

Posted in Football at 7:45 pm by

Impressive enough that Atletico Madrid have advanced to the knockout stage of the Champions League, but Wednesday’s 2-1 home win over PSV Eindhoven occurred in an empty stadium, with jumbotron footage of their displaced fans being piped in.  I can imagine the Florida Marlins attempting a simliar stunt next season, however a mere webcam and a pair of laptops should do the trick.

A World Without Boomer? Message Board Reveals The Three Degrees Of Vindictive

Posted in Blogged Down, Free Expression, Gridiron, Sports Journalism, Sports TV at 7:34 pm by

“I’m rooting against Josh David Booty ever playing,” admitted Jim Souhan in this morning’s Minneapolis Star-Tribune, “because Chris Berman would be so gleeful about the pun possibilities attached to Booty’s name that Berman might have a heart attack.”  Souhan followed with, “on second thought, I now have a reason to root for John David Booty.”

Thus kicked off a lengthy thread at the venerable Sports Journalists.com message board, in which the wisdom, if not the wit in wishing a heart attack upon Mr. Berman was discussed.  It’s not the most fascinating debate to take place at SJ, but contributor FaceDownPirates came up with what should be the last word on the subject :

On the Internet, I might wish for someone to be curbed, American History X style. Print, I think a 24-hour flu is appropriate. In person, the furthest I would go is a charley horse.

Big Sexy’s Deadliest Insult : “Fowler Wouldn’t Make A Competent Blogger”

Posted in College Spurts, Gridiron, Sports TV at 6:35 pm by

Ball State alumnus Jason Whitlock swears “I’m not high” and “I’m cold and rational” when singing the praises of his 12-0 Cardinals to Fox Sports readers after a 45-22 thumping of Western Michigan Tuesday night. “Not one of the Big 12′s quarterbacks is in the same physical ballpark as Ball State’s Nate Davis,” gushes Whitlock.  “It’s not close. They can’t match his arm, instincts, touch, accuracy, presence, ability to move in the pocket, out of the pocket or make plays when things break down.”  All the more galling then, when Whitlock’s former employers (allegedly) conspire to diminish Ball State’s achievements.

If you’re going to televise multiple Big 12 games in primetime on ABC and ESPN, you have every reason to promote the myth that the majority of Heisman Trophy candidates play in the Big 12. Let me tell you what passes for courage and independent thinking at ESPN. Chris Fowler dropped Ball State out of his AP top-25 ballot last week after the Cardinals beat a then-9-2 Central Michigan team on the road.

What Fowler has done is ridiculous and reeks of the kind of simple-minded arrogance that permeates ESPN. Fowler has had his ass kissed for too many years. He travels around the country during football season and everywhere he goes, there’s an Army of BCS sports information directors waiting to kiss his ass and tell him how great “GameDay” is.

He has never been a professional journalist a day in his life. He’s a TV personality. He knows what someone else has told him. I’m not 100 percent sure, but I’d suspect he hasn’t worn a jock since junior high school.

This is the combination that is killing the sports media. No journalism background, no real athletic experience and no backbone. No clue. Fowler wouldn’t make a competent blogger.

“GameDay” and Fowler are unlikely to ever visit Muncie, Ind. ESPN2 televises midweek MAC games in November. Fowler must primarily worry about his reception at BCS institutions. You would not believe how many alleged “journalists” and “media personalities” spend much of their time fretting about whether an SID, a coach or a player likes them. It’s an embarrassing obsession among the media.

Fowler knows little about football and nothing about Ball State. His celebrity status justifies his AP vote.

Think Of The Children : The First Lady Of Chavez Ravine Sets The Stage For Manny Signing Elsewhere

Posted in Baseball at 6:05 pm by

“If you bring somebody in to play and pay them, pick a number, $30 million, does that seem a little weird to you?” asked Jamie McCourt (above) yesterday at the Evergreen Recreation Center in East Los Angeles. “That’s what we’re trying to figure out. We’re really trying to see it through the eyes of our fans. We’re really trying to understand, would they rather have the 50 fields?”

Frank McCourt’s better half was referring to the Dodgers’ pledge to build 42 youth baseball fields throughout Southern California, a noble enough effort, but one that bears little relation to the price of admission to see Joe Torre’s charges ply their trade.  Sneers the LA Times’ TJ Simers, “with $26.24 in my pocket I need only an additional $63.76 to buy a ticket, get a scented towel and watch a Dodgers exhibition game in Arizona and maybe catch the late-inning heroics of Pablo Ozuna.”

Ninety dollars a ticket sounds like a lot until you break it down. It’s really only nine Anthony Davis autographs, or $410 less than what the Dodgers charged 250 fans each the other night to take batting practice at Dodger Stadium and pose for pictures with Russell Martin and Andre Ethier.

“The chance to step into the cage for many of these fans is a dream come true,” says the Dentist, the Dodgers’ PR guy.

I tell him I can put him into a batting cage with a roll of quarters, but he says the $500 fee also includes “baseball cuisine.”

I take it the Dodger Dogs are not left over from the last playoff game. But maybe someone can let me know for sure after attending the next session on Dec. 13 with Matt Kemp — if not too embarrassed to admit they spent $500 to be there.

The McCourts deserve credit in these tough times figuring yet another way to get into the pockets of fans, but I wondered where the money might be going.

Plaschke quotes some joker named Ned Colletti, as if this guy Colletti is some kind of baseball expert.

“Our six or seven young players are still the key to this club,” Colletti says.

“Manny was tremendous, but this is not tennis, one player does not make a difference.”

One player made the whole difference for the Dodgers, but Colletti took no notice, so what does that say about the guy charged with the task of adding talent to the Dodgers’ roster?

Hands Up, Everyone Who Wants Their Picture Taken With Charlie Weis’ Super Bowl Ring

Posted in Gridiron at 4:36 pm by

Citing a Peter King price quote of an alleged $21 million buyout tag for an NFL team to hire away Notre Dame’s Charlie Weis, the New York Times’ Pete Thamel muses, “that was last year, so it™s likely gone down slightly. And no one is sure if the buyout is different for firing than hiring.”  Quick to pile on, the Chicago Tribune’s Teddy Greenstein finds one high school coach who complains of “a level of conceit he never had seen.”

When Jeanette H.S. Coach Ray Reitz told Weis in 2007 that Terrelle Pryor might attend a USC quarterbacks camp, he remembers Weis replying: “Why send him there? If he’s with me for one day he’ll be good, two days he’ll be great and three days he’ll be incredible.”

Later, unprompted, Weis asked the Jeannette coaches if they wanted to take a picture of his Super Bowl ring. “I did it, just to be polite, and then gave [the picture] to one of the kids,” Reitz recalled.

If Weis were arrogant, foul-mouthed and winning, few Notre Dame alums would grumble.

But his record is 27-19. Gerry Faust went 25-20-1 through 46 games against tougher opponents.

“And at least he was a good guy,” one alum noted.

When Weis visited Pryor’s school in 2007, Reitz recalled, he said that if Pryor couldn’t cut it at quarterback, “we’ll use him on the outside.”

No other school introduced the idea that Pryor might play receiver.

“Here’s the best part,” Reitz recalled. “He says to Terrelle: ‘Call me tomorrow at 6. I’ll be watching where Brady Quinn gets drafted.’ “

Urlacher’s Ex : Bears LB Is Raising A Pansy

Posted in Are You A Boy Or Are You A Girl?, Gridiron at 4:31 pm by

There has to be some way the below item can be turned into a new Old Spice commercial.  From the Herald News’ Joe (Panty) Hosey :

Football tough guy Brian Urlacher (above) dresses his son in pink Cinderella diapers and paints the 3-year-old’s toenails blue, the child’s mother charged in Will County court Tuesday.

The mother, Tyna Robertson, threatened to block Urlacher from seeing the boy if the beefy linebacker kept up the alleged effeminate antics.

Urlacher’s motion was to stop Robertson from keeping Kennedy Urlacher away from him. Robertson said she would allow the visitation, so long as Urlacher put away the Bears-blue nail polish and diapered their son in gender appropriate pull-ups.

After the hearing, Robertson said her son has become confused by the toenail panting and wearing pull-up diapers designed for little girls.
“(Kennedy) pulls down his pants and says, ‘Mommy, look how pretty they are,’” she said of the diapers.

Robertson also recalled Kennedy informing her, “Big boys paint their nails,” and said he refused to take a bath for two days to keep the blue polish on his nails from coming off.

“He’d say, ‘Mommy, I don’t want to get my nails wet. I don’t want to mess them up,’” she said. “It took two hours to get him in the bath.”

“He says he can do whatever he wants,” Robertson said. “(Urlacher said), ‘It doesn’t make him feminine. It doesn’t make him gay.’

“You’re confusing him, if he’s a boy or a girl,” she said.

Not to make light of a serious family matter, but now might be a good time for other NFL icons to come forward and discuss how painting their toenails had no negative repercussions on their personal or professional lives.  The question is, are Dick Butkus and Mike Ditka man enough to go public?