Merengue Star Joins Mile-High Club of One

Posted in Free Expression, The Law at 7:37 pm by

What does Elvis Crespo have to do with anything ordinarily discussed on this site? Nothing, really. The merengue star had a song on MLB Caliente, a Major League Baseball “presented” collection of Latin hits. Per this bio, he apparently wanted to be a baseball player growing up in Puerto Rico. But his alleged conduct on a flight between Houston and Miami earlier today is at least newsworthy enough to bump Neil Allen — known as Goddamned Neil Allen around my house when I was little — down the page a bit. The Associated Press, masters of deadpan data-based hilarity, reports:

Crespo is being investigated after a woman said she saw him performing a sex act on an airplane en route from Houston to Miami, according to Miami-Dade County police.

The Grammy winner was masturbating in view of other passengers Thursday, prompting the plane’s captain to radio the Miami International Airport’s air traffic control tower, the police report said.

Officers interviewed Crespo upon his arrival but did not arrest him. No charges have been filed. When asked by police at the airport about the accusation, the 37-year-old Puerto Rican singer said: ”I don’t recall doing that.”

According to the police report, 52-year-old Patricia Perea of Canyon Gate, Texas, told police she was sitting next to the singer of the hit song ”Suavemente.” She said that about 15 minutes after the plane left Houston, Crespo covered himself with a blanket and began to masturbate, then exposed himself.

I know Crespo’s official line is that he forgot whether or not he actually did this, but I’d really love to know if he has an explanation for why he waited until the plane reached cruising altitude to do the thing. Thanks (I guess?) to David Williams for the link.

A Trip Down Memory Lane With The Most Efficient Piece Of Trade Bait In Mets History

Posted in Baseball at 5:38 pm by

With apologies to Geoff Goetz, Ed Yarnall and Preston Wilson.

Let No One Accuse The Wilpons Of Skimping On Toilets

Posted in Baseball, Blogged Down, Sad Toilets at 5:21 pm by

(photograph by Jesper Eklow)

Some guys really know how to celebrate their birthdays. While the rest of us schmoes have to console ourselves with a trip to the Ground Round or the emergency room (sometimes both in one day), Uni Watch‘s intrepid Paul Lukas served as a volunteer flusher when the plumbing at Flushing’s Glittering Monument To Avarice & Greed underwent preseason tests this past Saturday.

The main thing I learned as we waited for the flushing test to commence was that plumbers don™t use the word œtoilet; instead, they say, œbowl (as in, œI hear they got over 300 bowls in this stadium or œHoly shit, 20 bowls in one bathroom!).

Eventually, a guy on the P.A. gave us instructions on precisely when to flush. Over the course of about 10 minutes, I flushed this toilet bowl about 20 times. There was some random chuckling along the way, because the sound of flushing is sort of inherently humorous, and then we were told that the test was over and that the plumbing system had passed with flying colors, prompting a lot of cheering and high fives. (Sorry, ladies, I didn™t test out the tampon machine, but I assume it was shipshape.)

Bruins Prospect Rask Free To Flip Out Again

Posted in Hockey at 2:09 pm by

The Sporting News reported Tuesday that Providence Bruins goaltender Tuukka Rask has escaped suspension, despite going nuclear after allowing a pair of shootout goals in the P-Bruins’ loss to Albany Monday night.  The above clip has garnered hundreds of thousands of views on You Tube —more than half of them from George Brett refreshing the page over and over agan.

Rask, the Bruins’ top goaltending prospect, went ballistic after a 1-0 shootout loss. He was outraged that referee Frederic L’Ecuyer for allowing goals by two Albany players during the shootout.

Video of the incident made the airwaves Tuesday. In it, Rask screams at L’Ecuyer, smashes his stick against the goal’s crossbar, then against the glass next to the Providence bench and tosses a crate onto the ice.

Here’s how the Journal described the incident:

“On the first goal, Jakub Petruzak appeared to lose control of the puck far off to one side of the net before scoring. Then L’Ecuyer ruled that Harrison Reed’s shot had entered the net for the game-deciding goal. Rask argued that it hit the crossbar.

“After the game, Rask smashed his stick on the boards, then flung it across the ice. He then grabbed a milk crate from behind the Bruins bench and tossed it halfway across the ice.

Murray downplayed Rask’s actions, saying that he’d seen much worse during his two decades as a pro player and coach. “It it weren’t for YouTube, no one would have known about (the Rask incident),” he told the Journal.

Why Do The Detroit Tigers Hate God?

Posted in Baseball, Religion at 12:57 pm by

“For some Catholics and other Christians in southeast Michigan, the Detroit Tigers™ home opener this year will be off-limits,” writes a pious Kathleen Grey of the Detroit Free Press. “The 1:05 p.m. game against the Texas Rangers is on April 10 ” Good Friday and one of the holiest days on the Christian calendar.”  Slightly holier than Jim Leyland’s thrice-weekly trips to the dog track, at least.

That™s the day for somber reflection, personal sacrifice, church services that run from noon to 3 p.m. and a no-meat pledge, which doesn™t lend itself to downing a hot dog or two at the game.

While all 30 Major League teams are playing that day, only the Tigers are taking the field during the Christian holy hours. It’s a schedule that keeps the weather and tradition in mind, said Tigers’ spokesman Ron Colangelo.

“Major League Baseball has a monumental task of putting together the schedule for the entire season,” he said. “Fans have come to know that our home opener is always a day game.”

And the Tigers point out that there are plenty of vegetarian offerings on the concession menus. Last year, People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals named Comerica Park one of the Top 10 vegetarian friendly stadiums in baseball.

Michael Ochab, 47, will miss his first opener in 20 years, choosing to attend services at St. Florian Catholic Church in Hamtramck, instead.

“It’s sort of an insult for Catholics,” he said. “I’m still hoping the Tigers will change the time.”

Yahoo : Calhoun, UConn’s Pursuit Of Miles Was Illegal

Posted in Basketball, College Spurts at 11:51 am by

Yahoo Sports‘ Adrian Wojnarowski and Dan Wenzel reported late last night the University Of Connecticut violated a number of NCAA rules during the school’s courting of G Nate Miles.

Miles was provided with lodging, transportation, restaurant meals and representation by Josh Nochimson “ a professional sports agent and former UConn student manager “ between 2006 and 2008, according to multiple sources. As a representative of UConn™s athletic interests, Nochimson was prohibited by NCAA rules from having contact with Miles and from providing him with anything of value.

The UConn basketball staff was in constant contact with Nochimson during a nearly two-year period up to and after Miles™ recruitment. Five different UConn coaches traded at least 1,565 phone and text communications with Nochimson, including 16 from head coach Jim Calhoun. Yahoo! Sports obtained the records through the Freedom of Information Act. The documents were requested in October and received two weeks ago. Many of UConn™s communications with Nochimson were clustered with calls and texts to Miles or his inner circle.

The relationship between Miles and Nochimson began at a Nov. 11, 2006 high school tournament in suburban Chicago. While sitting with Nochimson and watching Miles play, Moore told Nochimson that UConn was actively recruiting the player. Later that day, Miles said, he was introduced to Nochimson.

Moore said he knew the player and the agent were in contact after the event. Records show that Moore traded multiple text messages with both Miles and Nochimson in the evenings of Nov. 11 and Nov. 12, 2006.

Eight days later, Miles, a Toledo, Ohio native, committed to UConn. Calhoun later said the sinewy 6-foot-7 prospect had œas much basketball ability as any player he™d ever brought to Connecticut.

From that first meeting until Miles was expelled from the university in October 2008 for violating a restraining order brought by a female student, Nochimson played an integral role in the player™s life. The agent guided Miles, who had social and academic difficulties, through a jagged journey to Connecticut.

Nochimson filed paperwork with the NBA Players Association to decertify himself as an agent in June 2008 after UConn All-American and Detroit Pistons star Richard Hamilton fired him as his business manager and accused him of stealing more than $1 million.

Though Yahoo’s story first ran some 10 hours ago, the Hartford Courant can merely come up with “calls seeking comment have been placed to UConn.”


Attn : Budget Conscious Shoppers – Paulie Go Nuts Merch Is Priced To MOVE

Posted in Baseball, Fashion, The Marketplace at 9:53 pm by

A couple of years back, I while browsing at the Mets’ 42nd St. Clubhouse Store and overheard a clerk telling a colleague that Scott Strickland’s wife had complained that t-shirts featuring her hubby reliever’s name and number were tough to find.

I wondered who the heck was going to purchase a Scott Strickland t-shirt, but that’s nothing compared to Metsblog’s Matthew Cerrone, uncovering ample inventory of Country Time and Boogie Shoes swag at the same shop.   For $7.99, I’d spring for a Lo Duca tee.  But keep in mind, I once wore a Metal Mike authentic to Yankee Stadium right after the Mets catcher had denied playing house with Sam Champion.

#38 Not In His Phormer Teammates’ Hall of Fame

Posted in Baseball, History's Great Hook-Ups at 9:48 pm by

While Rob Neyer’s surprisingly emphatic (and intuitive) thumbs up to Curt Schilling and Cooperstown gets discussed and then some at Baseball Think Factory, the Philadelphia Daily News‘ Bill Conlin puts down his grouper sandwich and checks in with a few members of the 1993 Phillies:

Larry Andersen, now a radio voice, was the weary reliever who set up closer Mitch Williams that fatal Game 6 in Toronto, Schilling with the towel covering his head and face, Joe Carter up with one out, two runners on, the Phils clinging to a 6-5 lead. A lot of people on that bench have never fully forgiven Schilling for the way he showed up his teammate with the baseball world watching. And it didn’t matter that Williams wound up serving the most dramatic World Series walkoff homer since Bill Mazeroski in 1960….

Andersen rolled his eyes when I asked his reaction to Schilling’s cyberspace announcement that his 20-year career is over. “I was taught that if you can’t say something nice about somebody, don’t say anything at all,” he said. Then LA laughed mirthlessly. “It would probably make CNN.”

As luck would have it, the showers that came gusting off Tampa Bay and doused another Bright House Field sellout forced Darren Daulton to land the mothership in the parking lot. He was holding court in the Hooters box with the usual gaggle of pals and fans who surround him here during the Countdown to Dec. 21, 2012, last day of the Mayan calendar. When that page is turned, he says, all humankind will continue to exist, but in a different form.

Dutch pointed to Andersen. “I’m with him,” he said.

Some Phillies fans are wondering which hat Curt would wear should he earn HoF induction. Really? (And hey, remember when that used to be a serious question to ask about Roger Clemens?)

Spring Training Perks Dept : Learning About The Towns Of South Central Florida

Posted in Baseball, Blogged Down, Tourism at 9:29 pm by

(Bradenton, FL Mayor Wayne H. Poston, prepared to mediate all disputes between local thugs)

Tim Marchman
spent a month last weekend in Bradenton, the Grapefruit League home of the Pittsburgh Pirates and a town whose Chamber Of Commerce would probably prefer you read the burg’s wiki entry than the following from the Slate baseball scribe.

I spied a corrugated metal shack promoting boxing on weeknight evenings, storefront Pentecostalist churches and donut shops with hand-painted window signs out of Walker Evans, grim pawnshops with long rows of shotguns for sale, local headlines revolving around the travails of the dog track, storefronts for rent for $800 and cars for sale for $600 and lots of kids on bicycles, and shared good times at the Greyhound station with two toughs trying to one-up one another with absurd tales of their time inside and knowledge of obscurely nicknamed and highly fertile Ft. Myers thugs. You will not hear a bad word about Bradenton pass my lips.

The Men’s Tourney Vs. The Population Explosion

Posted in Basketball, castration nation, Medical Science, Sports TV at 6:27 pm by

Even without Billy Packer calling the games for CBS, the Big Dance has a way of curtailing procreation. “My idea of enjoying the NCAA tournament involves macrobrews and fried food. It doesn’t involve a frozen bag of peas on my balls,” protests Deuce Of Davenport‘s Mustafa Redonkulous after reading the following item from the Cleveland Plain-Dealer‘s John Campanelli.

The NCAA tournament’s first round, which features 32 games in two days, makes for great drama, great television and office pools. It also makes for a great time ” perhaps the best of the year ” to be sterilized. It’s March soreness, baby.

And more guys are realizing it.

“I’m booked up,” said Dr. J. Stephen Jones, chairman of regional urology at the Cleveland Clinic’s Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute. “My schedule on that part of the month filled up very quickly. It filled up ahead of time.”

Scheduling the procedure to coincide with hoops hoopla makes perfect sense, says Jones, who has done more than 2,000 vasectomies.

First off, the demographics match. The men getting snipped, usually in their 30s and 40s, are typical March Madness fans.

“If they’re going to have a day off, it might as well be on a day when they would want to be watching basketball, as opposed to watching ‘Oprah,’ ” Jones said.

It’s the kind of story papers and blogs around the country can’t resist.  Especially if it’s regurgitatated every year.