12.31.14

Suh : What Part Of “I’m Not Talking About Being A Serial Stomper” Do You Not Understand?

Posted in Gridiron at 5:57 pm by

A day after his one-game suspension for using Green Bay QB Aaron Rogers as a human doormat was reduced to a $70,000 fine, Lions LB Ndamukong Suh faced the media prior to this weekend’s Wild Card clash against the Cowboys, and in the words of MLive’s Kyle Meinke, “unleashed a barrage of “next questions” and ‘I’m just looking forward to Dallas’” :

Did he intentionally step on Rodgers during Sunday’s 30-20 loss against the Packers?

“Next question,” Suh said.

And is it true he couldn’t feel his feet, an excuse he used to successfully appeal the suspension?

“Next question,” he said.

Suh used that line 10 times to nine questions during a 7-minute news conference at team headquarters in Allen Park. He also said he’s “looking forward to playing Dallas,” or some iteration of that, to 12 other wide-ranging questions.

“I’m just looking forward to playing against Dallas,” Suh said during an opening statement that cut off a question from a team employee. “I look forward to playing against Dallas,” he said, when asked what happened with Rodgers. “Like I said, I’m ready to focus on Dallas and get ready for that game,” he said, when asked about his successful appeal.

12.30.14

RIYL : Eric Church, Jason Aldean, Rodney Adkins, Letting Her Know Who’s Boss

Posted in Baseball, Beer at 11:17 pm by

After a dozen years in the big leagues, you’d hope former P Brett Myers’ battery of his wife on a Boston sidewalk would be his most embarrassing public moment. And while that’s most assuredly still the case, he’s making a strong effort to return to the public eye in spectacular, albeit non-violent fashion with his recently released country debut.

There’s not an embeddable version of the EP’s hottest track, “Kegerator”, but it can be summed up quite simply ; Myers is tired of his significant other counting the number of beer cans he’s emptied, so he’s found a KEGERATOR on Craigslist. The next time the Lady Myers asks how many beers he’s consumed, our hero can safely say “three” without any pesky conflict resolution issues entering the picture.

Horse Owner : I Can’t Operate Under These Conditions

Posted in Horse Racing at 10:44 pm by

Emperor’s Choice was victorious in the £100,000 Welsh Grand National last Saturday, the 2nd time a Venetia Williams trained horse has won the 120 year old race.  Arnie Kaplan, owner of 8th place finisher Amigo, tells the Racing Post’s Lewis Porteous that he’s had enough with the mob scenes at Chepstow, moaning, “tou couldn’t put your hanky to your mouth to sneeze.”

Kaplan was, in his words, confronted with “rude car park staff, a 40-minute queue at the owners’ and trainers’ entrance and overcrowding inside the track”.

Kaplan, 63, added: “It was a shocker. It was an enormous crowd and they didn’t seem able to cope. As far as owners are concerned, the queue from midday took 40 minutes; you were better off walking down to the turnstile and paying. There was one guy with a runner in the first who never made it in to see the race, which is awful.

“There were two lovely chaps on the owners’ and trainers’ stand but they had just one list and only one person could do the job. It was an absolute farce, I’m surprised there wasn’t a riot.”

“There were queues to get drinks, food you never saw at all, and only one table on the end for tea and coffee covered in dirty mugs and serviettes. When you looked around the whole course there were queues for everything. There’s no question they need to cap the capacity and have more facilities available.”

12.29.14

PSG’s Ibrahimovic Killed Bullwinkle

Posted in Football, Going To The Zoo at 10:26 pm by

Monday’s Guardian reports that Paris Saint-Germain striker Zlatan Ibrahimovic marked the holiday season by shooting a moose. And not the one depicted in the advertisement above.

Ibramimovic is enjoying his mid-season break in his homeland but the Swedish newspaper Expressen ran a story on its front page over the weekend claiming the 33-year-old had killed the 500kg animal “with one shot through its heart”.

His actions clearly impressed Bo Skold, the general secretary of the Swedish Association for Hunting, who admitted he had never shot an animal of similar size. However, Camilla Björkbom, of Sweden’s Animal Rights’ Union was not so glowing in her praise.

“It is problematic,” she told Expressen. “It is always problematic when famous people do things like that, because then it looks like they support this type of activities.”

12.28.14

A New Low For Blackpool’s Oyston : Civility Lessons From The Daily Mail

Posted in Football, twitter twatter at 10:44 pm by

Of Blackpool chairman Karl Oyston’s recent contentious Twitter correspondence with Seasiders fan Steve Smith, the Daily Mail’s Patrick Collins opines the former’s “departure will not come a moment too soon”.

‘Are you sure we’ve met?’ asks Oyston. ‘I would have remembered such a massive retard.’ He calls him ‘an intellectual cripple’ and tells him to ‘enjoy the rest of your special needs day out’.

He adds: ‘Stop texting f******, you shouldn’t have ever started as you are one tiresome f***** that should spot trains not watch football. Get a life and consider yourself banned from the stadium.’

There is more in similar vein, but you get the drift.

Oyston’s reaction to the publication of the texts was entirely predictable. He made a self-serving apology — ‘I regret stooping to the level of those threatening and abusing my family’ — and he announced he would be making a donation to Blackpool’s Community Trust, which works with organisations supporting disabled people. Money solves everything, you see; fill a few pockets and people forget.

I fancy the Oyston’s know that the game is up, that they have known it since Tuesday evening, when their shirt sponsors Wonga said of Karl’s texts: ‘The comments were unacceptable, something we’ll be making clear to the club.’

A lecture on morality from a legalised loan shark, there can be no more humiliating chastisement.

Lovie Smith’s Euphemisms For Tanking

Posted in Gridiron at 6:53 pm by

With the No. 1 pick in the 2015 NFL Draft hanging in the balance, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers managed to pry victory from the jaws of defeat Sunday, blowing a 13 point, 4th quarter lead at home to New Orleans. QB Josh McCown insists the Bucs were playing to win, and in his defense — obvious substitutions aside — how can anyone tell?

12.27.14

Free Expression Hits A Snag In Fort Bragg

Posted in Basketball, Free Expression, Lower Education at 6:27 pm by

After taking their lead from NBA and collegiate players donning “I Can’t Breathe” shirts during recent pregame warmups, the boys and girls basketball teams of Mendocino High School (CA) have been disinvited from a holiday tournament in Fort Bragg, CA, with a Monday contest versus Capuchnio (San Bruno) cancelled. From the Nation’s Dave Zirin :

Fort Bragg high school (an institution with a black population of 1%) told Mendocino that they would not be allowed to play unless every player on the boy’s team and girls team refused to wear the shirts. The boys team was reinstated after every player but one agreed to this condition. That one very brave holdout is staying at home. As for the girl’s team, only a couple said that they would even consider not wearing the shirts with almost the entire team standing strong. They will not be fielding a team.

Principal Rebecca Walker (above) of Fort Bragg issued a written statement on Friday explaining their position where she said, “To protect the safety and well-being of all tournament participants it is necessary to ensure that all political statements and or protests are kept away from this tournament… We are a small school district that simply does not have the resources to ensure the safety and well-being of our staff, students and guests at the tournament should someone get upset and choose to act out.”

Keep in mind that up until now, there have been no reported incidents before any game, high school college or professional, in response to the players wearing the shirts.

Champagne Rock Vacations On Blatz Budgets

Posted in Internal Affairs, Rock Und Roll, The Marketplace at 10:34 am by

I’ve noticed with no small fascination that the recent trend of cruises-with-iconic-bands (Kiss, Weezer, the Black Lips, Jack Russell’s Great White) has now extended to rail travel (there’s an LA to Seattle train journey featuring Robyn Hitchcock, John Doe and Exene).

While not begrudging anyone the right to spend their vacation dollars as they see fit, these packages are awfully expensive for the average music fan and with that in mind, i’ve put on my entrepreneurial helmet for the following alternatives for the budget conscious :

1) RIDE THE MEGABUS TO HOOGIE BOOGIE LAND – $75
Complete’s Curt Low will be your host on an Austin-to-Dallas bus trip that will provide musical memories to last a lifetime.

2) OUTSIDE OF TIME / INSIDE THE “F” TRAIN – $30
the one and only cosmic interceptor VON LMO* will delight you and a crowded (?) subway car traveling from Midtown Manhattan to historic Coney Island. Special hologram appearance by Stephon Marbury.

3) LOADING OUT, HEAVY LYFTING WITH AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS – (price negotiable)
Travel from such rock landmarks as Red River between 7th & 8th or perhaps 12th and Chicon to an undisclosed location in South Austin, but not before being allowed to carry heavy equipment used to entertain a select audience mere hours earlier. It’s a rare glimpse behind the curtain that may or may not afford you a long soliloquy about the merits of the night’s other performers. (RIDE HOME NOT INCLUDED)

4) TRAPPED IN A SUBMARINE WITH MAC DEMARCO (cancelled – turned out to be quite expensive, liability issues up the kazoo, etc.)

The Maturation Of Carmelo Anthony : From Backpedaling To Pacifism

Posted in Basketball at 12:13 am by

Of his reluctance to make his presence felt after teammate Quincy Acey followed a hard foul on Washington’s John Wall with a (missed) punch, Knicks SF Carmelo Anthony explained,  “I wasn’t going to allow myself to run up to a group of people in the circle and now something happens to me, now I’ve got to worry about what I might do or what I’m capable of doing.”

No one can say this isn’t the wise old voice of experience.

12.25.14

CSTB’s Greatest Hits, Xmas Edition Pt. II : Artist Rendering Of Tebow Celebrating A Non-Abortion

Posted in Gridiron, Merry Fucking Christmas, Religion at 11:18 pm by

Editor’s Note : the following item originally ran December 11, 2011)

Despite what Texas Gov. Rick Perry has described as a “war on religion”, this particular Christmas card was available on eBay up until early this afternoon. Though I’m a firm believer everyone should be allowed to worship freely (so long as they don’t block my driveway on Sunday mornings), even an atheist like myself is slightly unnerved that an (alleged) savior’s birth bears any comparison to a 4th quarter comeback by a guy who can’t even throw properly.