REPORT #1 from the frontlines of America’s Favorite Tech-Film-Music-Trade Fair & Expo :
The food item depicted aboe was purchased earlier today at a local big-box retailer with the proceeds from a kill-fee for an article entitled “Members Of The FreeCreditReport.com Band Have Mixed Feelings About Their SXSW Experiences”.
Receipt from said purchase will be used for a subsequent proposed article about SXSW’s impact on the local economy.
Northwest quartet The Slants (above) are currently embroiled in a dispute with the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office, with the latter denying the band’s application for trademark protection on the grounds their chosen name is considered disparaging to a particular ethnic group (in this instance, one they’re part of). The Washington Post’s Robert Barnes points out that a victory for The Slants might establish precedent for the Washington Redskins, “whose legal battle to hold on to its revoked trademark has been put on hold pending the outcome.”
Slants band members abhor the Washington nickname and wince when the team’s fate is linked to their own.
“I don’t want to be associated with Dan Snyder,” founder Simon Tam said, referring to the team’s owner.
Indeed, the Redskins’ amicus brief in the case contains 18 pages of offensive-to-somebody registrations from the Patent and Trademark Office, beginning with Afro-Saxon clothing and working its way down to Yardapes landscaping.
In the team’s amicus brief, Washington lawyer Lisa S. Blatt argues that “the PTO has registered countless marks that meet the government’s exceptionally broad definition of disparagement, i.e., potentially demeaning to even a small segment of a race, gender or religious group.
“Just for musical bands, the PTO has registered White Trash Cowboys; Whores from Hell; N.W.A.; Cholos on Acid; Reformed Whores; The Pop Whores; Hookers & Blow; The Roast Beef Curtains; Flea Market Hookers; The Pricks and Barenaked Ladies.”
(were this gentleman alive today, he’d undoubtedly eschew DIY venues and self-released singles for the more efficient route of simply sucking up to the very wealthy)
With today’s Pitchfork story about grant monies for Shakey Graves, I’ve now crossed the rubicon where I can no longer tell the difference between real and fake news.
Tin-foil hat zealots are targeting local pizzerias? Totally believable. A non-profit is awarding grants to tomorrow’s Dan Fogelbergs so they can hire even pricier representation to ensure coverage on what’s ostensibly meant to be public airwaves? Forget it. Unpossible. No one’s that naive.
This all strikes me as patently unfair. Why award grants to Shakey Graves and Wild Child when you could use that same energy to petition America’s Big Banks to lower their interest rates on loans to Quiet Company?
All kidding aside, I understand the folks in charge of the grants have some real criteria for those under consideration. They wanna see some evidence of national touring, making new recordings and playing shows for other non-profits. Which all sounds pretty cool and I totally cannot wait to see what Johnathan Cash does with his grant money.
This also represents a unique opportunity for the donors. No longer will they have to live with the gruesome self-recognition that they’re easily entertained by the most basic slop ever heard in the background of a Starbucks. Nope, they’re now PATRONS OF THE ARTS.
From 1991-1998 Simple Machines published a series of pamphlets with solid, researched details on how independent artists could maneuver the choppy waters of manufacturing and distributing their own recordings.
Because circumstances have changed and I realize you’re all pressed for time, I have graciously decided to publish the following revised edition of said publications.
Chapter One :
ASK TECH BROS FOR MONEY
Big congratulations to the wonderful folks at Austin’s End Of An Ear on the opening of their new & improved (ie. a shorter drive from my house) Clawson Road shop, conveniently nearby Terry Sayther Automotive, Vulcan Video, Blazer Tag and one of Central Texas’ top A&W franchises.
* – not that there’s an officially licensed assassinate-Kaepernick-shirt to be had, but then again, I could be wrong. You watch too many “Football Is Family” commericals and they all start to blur together.
OK, that’s not exactly what The Sporting News columnist Mike DeCourcy had to say about University of Wisconsin F Nigel Hayes using tonight’s Ohio State vs. Wisconsin game at Camp Randall Stadium as a photo op / electronic begging platform (see above), but pretty close. Y’see, not only is DeCourcy skeptical that Hayes is actually skint (“one of us knows enough about Hayes’ financial situation to know whether he truly is ‘broke’… what we do know is he receives a scholarship from Wisconsin that covers his tuition, room & board, books and fees, which combined total nearly $45,000 annually,”), but he’s quick to wonder, if the hoops scholarship is so shitty, why is Hayes still enrolled?
It was his decision to compete as a senior. He could have stayed in the draft, gone to summer league and into an NBA training camp. He could have signed to play professionally overseas if none of that went exactly as he wished. There was no shortage of opportunity available to a player of Hayes’ skills and accomplishments.
Beyond rules violations, there is the imprudence of Hayes making the case that he is being taken advantage of when he willingly accepted his current arrangement for a fourth consecutive year.
Friday on Twitter, Hayes posted a message stating sarcastically, “If only there was enough money to pay us,” after quoting a USA Today report that the Big Ten Conference generated $448 million in revenue.
But how much did the University of Wisconsin generate through the tuition it collects from its 43,000 students? It’s a whole lot more than $448 million.
Indeed. And what portion of that annual tuition windfall can be traced, in part, to Wisconsin’s membership in the Big Ten and their ability to compete at a high level in football and basketball? Were Hayes attempting to drag eyeballs to this particular topic after signing an NBA rookie contract, what are the odds DeCourcy and his colleagues would still manage to find fault?
Not quite the way I envisioned the Bat Shit label making a comeback, but hey, whatever it takes.
CAREENING OPPORTUNITY :
It is with considerable sorrow that I must announce the passing of former 12XU publicist Drinky McGlugglug. Drinky, known to his close friends as “Drinky”, served the label tirelessly in London during the early 2000′s and though he was forever pissing himself at record-release launches and being hauled into court for leaving his children at the playground unattended, I’ll still remember his love for the music, the backyard bbq’s, the drinks and the repartee. Mostly the drinks, however.
It was Drinky’s dying wish that 12XU and it’s cavalcade of stars would emerge from the darkest, cowebbiest corners of the underground and someday scale the P.R. heights of his former clients like Men$wear and Dodgy.
“Drinky, you do realize that cobwebbiest isn’t a real word.”
Alas, he couldn’t reply. Because he was dead.
So it is in the memory of this wonderful music industry veteran that I am extending an invitation to a young person (well, younger than Drinky, hopefully) ready to get his or hands (very) dirty in the P.R. game on behalf of this label. Clearly, ownership hasn’t simply burned bridges, they’ve been fucking napalmed. Perhaps by providing a buffer — perhaps one with fewer anger issues/personality defects —- positive changes will occur.
There’s no money, not even what Mo Fuzz would call an “on spec” arrangement*. But there’s piles of records, intense glamor and loads of good stories for the magazine article or blog post you’ll someday write about how poorly you were treated.
(* – if you get one of the bands booked on Uncle Floyd or Wally George’s TV shows, we’ll talk about it)
inquire via info@12XU.net. Your physical appearance is of no consequence, though if you are hideously ugly, you might be asked to utilize an avatar (that’s even uglier). Maybe we’ll play it by ear.
GET IN THERE, BIG UNIT :
sonor 1985 this is tommy lees set from the theater of pain tour purchased from his sister ATHENA 2 24S 14 15 16 18 ALL QUESTIONS WILL BE RETURNED (((((( CLYDE IF U R OUT THERE CONTACT ME)))))) there was 2 snare drums this is the second 1 we all know who has the first one some guy in Sweden who runs a motley crue show and he has all kinds of sik stuff
If Barneys can charge $265 for a Black Flag shirt (echoes, I reckon, of Kayne’s $8K Discharge jacket) there’s some serious money being thrown around/flushed in the pursuit of authenticity. Comical, yes, but I would truly like to see the people I love and respect hop on this gravy train:
Don Walsh’s Rusted Shut Fantasy Camp ($3000 for two days, Don might not attend due to other obligations)
Von LMO Segway Tours of Coney Island ($350, must supply your own Segway)
Taylor TX, SST Superstore “Supermarket Sweep” For Charity* ($1000 for 90 seconds, all the Jambang overstock you can fit in a shopping cart)
touring company of “Joseph & The Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat” starring Curt Low (understudy, Neil Patrick Harris)
* – cat rescue, of course