04.14.16

When Facing The Difficult Decision Between Primavera Sound & Total Punk Fuck Off III (The Final Fuck)…

Posted in record collector disease, Rock Und Roll, Tourism at 5:05 pm by

…no coin flip is necessary. Orlando’s got the better lineup (again).

03.17.16

Villager To Town Council : Please Erect An Ugly Statue Hornoring Portsmouth, NH’s Second Most Important Musical Exponent…

Posted in History's Not Happening, record collector disease, Tourism at 9:34 pm by

…the Bruisers, of course, being the first. Via Change.org, Brian Kelly takes issue with the fact, “there is currently no statue of Portsmouth native Ronnie James Dio, paragon of Rock and Roll, anywhere in Portsmouth.”


Ronnie James Dio is a hero and a champion of art and deserves to be memorialized forever on his native soil. This petition is to help bring a statue, bust or memorial of Ronnie James Dio (born Ronald James Padavona; July 10, 1942 – May 16, 2010) to an agreed upon location in Prescott Park the South End of Portsmouth, NH

Dio was a musician that had, and still has, a great influence on many in the music industry. There are currently other towns and cities with Dio’s likeness, but at this time, his birthplace has nothing. Mr. Dio sold over 47 million albums in his life and is still selling today. He was a heavy hitter in bands like Elf, Rainbow, Dio, Black Sabbath and more. His contributions are undeniable. We have to do something.

This petition will help gauge and demonstrate interest in a tribute we can all agree upon. The tribute itself will be crowd or city funded (through provisions set aside in Portsmouth to pay for artistic installations) and multiple designs will be presented before asking for approval. We truly hope the city of Portsmouth will help us find the right tribute to one of the most influential musicians of our time.

We would love to see him him to be depicted as he was in the video for “Holy Diver}, sword in hand, ready to fight for the Arts and what is right. We understand this might not coincide with the wishes of all, so we will of course work with the estate of Mr. Dio to determine how they would like him depicted.

08.19.15

Jerome Kersey, Remembered In The Form Of A Corn Maze

Posted in Basketball, Tourism at 10:44 pm by


Of the myriad ways one might honor the memory of the late Portland small forward Jerome Kersey, I must admit, doing so via a carefully conceived corn maze was not one of them. But that’s exactly what the good people at Bella Organic Pumpkin Patch & Winery have done,

Announcing our 2015 Rip City (Portland Trailblazers) Corn Maze honoring the memory of Jerome Kersey! He was a good man and made such a positive impact on our community here in Portland, so we wanted to take this opportunity to remember him!

Join us on August 30th at 12pm, for a ribbon cutting ceremony at Bella Organic Farm on Sauvie Island, with The Jerome Kersey Foundation and a Portland Trail Blazers representative! The maze will be open daily from August 30th through October 31st, 2015.

01.30.15

Fred Durst Co-Conspirator : PLEASE KILL ME

Posted in Rock Und Roll, Tourism at 4:06 pm by

If a recent Instagram post is to be taken at face value, Limp Bizkit guitarist Wes Borland is somewhat ambivalent about his band’s legacy and space in the current cultural climate (AND WHO CAN BLAME HIM?).  As Metal Injection reports, Borland would seemingly rather schedule root canal than participate in the ShipRocked cruise alongside other iconic düde-metal purveyors :

Getting all packed up this week for Broatchella 2015. It’s the same as Brochella but it’s off land. Can’t wait to see me some roided out tribal tattooed spray tanned Jell-O shot filled bohunks do their best drunk MMA impressions in the top deck mosh pit. Whenever we aren’t on stage, I’ll be curled up fetal position in my cabin, palms up, while I desperately cling to the last week of my thirties as it slips through my hooked fingers. So, I’d like to give a shout out now to all the other over-the-hill late nineties/early 2000s bands going on the cruise: Let’s give these people the raging alcohol fueled nostalgia fest they’re paying for guys! I know we can do it if we tune down low enough!”

08.28.14

CSTB’s Greatest Hits (?) : Remembering A Classic Moment In Vandalism History

Posted in Austin, Internal Affairs, Rock Und Roll, Tourism at 2:12 pm by

(EDITOR’S NOTE : yesterday marked the 24th anniversary of the death of guitar virtuoso Stevie Ray Vaughn. In keeping with memorial notices around the world, your  favorite barely extant blog is republishing the following entry from December 24, 2005, “Stevie Ray Vandalized”, though you might want to visit the original to revisit some of the pithy reader commentary – GC)

Time-Warner Cable’s News 8 was on the spot early this morning, spicing up an otherwise slow local news day with the story of the 8 foot statue of Stevie Ray Vaughn being defaced.

A local correspondent who will remain nameless (in case he or she ever wants to do the weather at News 8 ) comments below :

Subject: My new hero(es)
Body: Some beautiful person and/or persons defaced the Stevie Ray Vaughn statue at Town Lake in Austin last night.

This ugly, overbearing, bronze statue has been a blistering eyesore for the tasteful masses for years now. News 8 (Time Warner’s sad 24 hour news station) covered it early this morning, revealing that the word “POSER” was painted on the front, “See you in Hell” at the base, and some unnamed profanity on the reverse. Some passerbys’ quotes include a woman in her late 40s with fashionable jogging gear: “I’m an artist, too, and I appreciate what that is, and everyone does, and — well — obviously some don’t.” (Um, what “real” “artist” is jogging at 8am?) An even older fellow, looking very confused: “I don’t know what they’re protesting against.” (I would wager that they were drunkenly protesting against mediocre, Hendrix nutsack-swinging, drug-fueled GARBAGE that is pervasively revered by the small “c” local celebrities who speak for Austin.) And finally, a random, ugly, bearded tourist from Florida: “No respect for the dead…All he did was make good music and make people happy.” (Many people take exception to this — people like myself, who, as a sign shop employee, was forced to hear his poisonous aural carrion day after fucking day on KLBJ-FM.)

I’m not glad the motherfucker’s dead, but bitches, please, this is the most overrated guitar player of all time, a product of a pissant city that thinks so highly of itself to call itself the “Live Music Capitol of the World.” His wanky, artless garbage encouraged many other morons to pick up an axe and continue the suffering he started, and make places like Antone’s be able to book filth like this 7 nights a week.

I love the Blues. I love these drunks who did this in the middle of the night. I love News 8 Austin for getting their cameras down there to shoot and record it before the City sent out their underpaid minions to wash it off around 10am. It shall live in eternity on my DVR (until I get it burned to DVD, at least).

This shall be the best Christkkkmas ever. My heart races with joy.

06.26.14

Guest Editorial : Austin Is A Wonderful Place And Luke Winkie (If That Is His Real Name) Could Not Be More Wrong

Posted in Austin, Free Expression, non-sporting journalism, Norman Wanklord, Tourism at 7:03 pm by

(EDITOR’S NOTE : from time to time, Austin music blogger / fledgling independent label operator Norman Wanklord takes a break from his own unique brand of trenchant analysis and hard-hitting commentary to grace the pages of CSTB with, well, even more trenchant analysis and hard-hitting commentary. Upon Vice’s publication of “REASONS WHY AUSTIN IS THE WORST PLACE EVER” by noted urban planning expert Luke Winkie, Mr. Wanklord politely asked….well, actually, he begged for equal time – GC)

It’s hard for me to understand why some people who have the opportunity to bring the Austin community together, a chance to foster a greater understanding and sense of harmony, instead choose to hurt others with their elitist attitude and “I’m so fucking cool” bullshit. But enough about this blog — I hear the Pavement back catalog sales aren’t what they used to be, so perhaps it will disappear, soon.

(if Austin sucks so bad, why do artists this good looking keep moving here? Answer me that, Mr. Vice Column Person)

Instead, I’d like to turn my attention to local journalist Luke Winkie, who today took to the pages of my very favorite website (after this one) to blast the people of Austin, TX as a group of smug, insincere creeps with no greater purpose beyond novelty-drink guzzling and making fun of people who are trying to make something of themselves. Certainly, I can relate to some of Luke’s claims — no one knows better than me what it is like to sacrifice for the greater good only to be roundly ridiculed. But there’s a number of cruel, destructive arguments of his that I wish to refute. Or repudiate. Or refudiate.

“Nobody Has a Clue What His or Her Job Is”

I’m sorry, but that’s simply not true. When I’m not posting several dozen Soundcloud links a day, I’m teaching kids at one of Austin’s wonderful schools. If it weren’t for people like me, your future leaders would grow up with zero knowledge of the Declaration Of Independence, how many states there are in Canada and which was the best song on Belaire’s “Exploding Impacting”.

“Everyone Hates the Festivals That Pay Their Rent”

WHAAAT? Did Luke not read our comprehensive coverage of the Austin Psych Fest? Were my previews of cutting-edge talent playing SXSW some kind of secret that no one on the UT campus could access? What about the time Best Coast played Chaos In Tejas and I was the first to applaud that particular event finally booking a band I’d heard of? I LOVE FESTIVALS, and when I eventually organize my own, this entire beautiful city is invited. Except for Luke! But you won’t need an invitation because I’m not a fucking elitist!

“Barton Springs Is a Giant Toilet”

I’m sorry, but Luke’s copy-editor at Vice has let him down. I’m pretty sure that was supposed to read, “Beerland Is A Giant Toilet”.

“Emo’s Sucked”

“This awful little club had some of the best shows in the whole city, which means you were at risk of catching hepatitis every weekend.”

I guess even a smug San Diego-transplant looking to make a name for himself can’t be wrong all of the time. But why fixate on the negative, Luke? Emo’s closed years ago. Now we’ve got terrific, clean venues like Holy Mountain, Metal & Lace, the Swan Dive, etc., and like me, they’re totally committed to musical diversity and the highest standards in hygiene. In fact, we co-hosted a terrific show at Holy Mountain just last Friday that featured a number of well-groomed performers strumming guitars no harder than you’d handle a new born kitten. And unlike a new born kitten, the entire event was thoroughly germ free. No hepatitis, not even the slightest hint that sexual congress might’ve occurred anywhere in the entire world, let alone Austin.

But would Luke Winkie know the first thing about this? Of course not. He was too busy writing a hatchet job about the city that’s given him so many great opportunities.

Anyhow, I’d love to go on, but I’ve got a meeting with the parents of a kid who was caught spray-painting “fucktarded” on the side of my car (and that doesn’t even make sense, right?). The bad news is, he’s suspended from school. The good news is, he’s just been offered a column with Vice.

SEE, I CAN BE FUNNY TOO.

Thanks for your time, and keep on rockin’

04.11.14

If You Can’t Send A Boy To Camp This Summer, Can You At Least Send DJ Bud Light To The Hozac Blackout?

Posted in Rock Und Roll, Tourism at 9:12 pm by

For a variety of reasons, I’ll not be able to attend this May’s Hozac Blackout in Chicago featuring The Boys, The Dictators, Shocked Minds and A Giant Dog amongst others, but I hope to be able to live vicariously through the exploits of the gentleman pictured above.  That is, provided you do the right thing and chip in towards his travel expenses.  PERCY ROSS IS DEAD, people, don’t make Ben resort to something desperate.

10.29.13

Latroy Hawkins Shines In Audition For “Passenger 57″ Remake

Posted in Baseball, Total Fucking Terror, Tourism at 7:52 pm by

The New York Daily News’ Kristie Ackert reports Mets reliever Latroy Hawkins assisted American Airlines crew in ejecting an unruly passenger from a DFW to Santiago flight Sunday evening.

“We had to subdue a guy who was upset about not being able to sit in an open seat in business class. He and flight attendant started wrestling and fell into my lap. The (flight attendant) said he needed help,” Hawkins told the Daily News via text message.

Two of Hawkins’ friends, Rodney Carter and Leonard Whittenberg helped assist the flight attendant. They held down the unruly passenger as restraints were applied. Carter and Whittenberg are part of Hawkins’ traveling group that is hunting doves.

According to a report, the flight made an unscheduled stop in Lima, Peru, then continued to Santiago; the hunting is taking place across the border in Argentina.

Not only has Hawkins proven heroic, but he’s to be applauded for his discretion ; “a guy who was upset about not being able to sit in an open seat in business class” sounds an awful lot like Jeff Wilpon.

07.03.13

Re-Welcoming Manny Ramirez To The Cultural Hotbed That Is Williamson County

Posted in Austin, Baseball, Tourism at 5:32 pm by

The Texas Rangers announced earlier today the signing of veteran outfielder/space cadet Manny Ramirez to a minor league contract.  Ramirez, most recently of Taiwan’s ED Rhinos, signed a one-year deal with Oakland in 2012, but managed just 16 singles and 3 doubles in 17 games with the A’s Sacramento affiliate before being cut.

It was during that short tenure in the Pacific Coast League that I graciously composed the following for Manny, knowing that he’d be visiting my neck of the woods.  His stay in Round Rock should be a little longer than 3 days this time, but that’s hardly guaranteed.   From CSTB, May 21, 2012 :

(possibly the only Manny who’d find himself less welcome in Round Rock, TX)

If a few hundred more fans than usual fill the stands at the Round Rock Express’ Dell Diamond tonight, it might have something to do with the presence of Manny Ramirez in the starting lineup for the visiting Sacramento River Cats (PCL, AAA). Ramirez, preparing to make his Oakland A’s debut after serving a 50 game suspension for PED usage, is not unaccustomed to enjoying the minor league experience. Since he’ll be spending a few days in Williamson County — just a stone’s throw (well, 35 minutes in shitty traffic) from CSTB HQ —- I thought it might be proper to offer some guidance on the amazing,world-class city that is Round Rock, TX.

1) HEB PLUS.

This is the biggest supermarket I’ve ever visited. They’ve got an impressive “ethnic foods” department, so if Manny needs matzoh, he’s in luck.

PROS : Fully stocked pharmacy, open til 9pm
CONS : If Manny’s wearing a hoodie, he might get shot.

2) Little Red Wagon Burgers

LRW is almost certainly one of the region’s top 250 burger establishments, and compared to the fare on offer at the Dell Diamond, Manny is far less likely to encounter food poisoning.

PROS : Several 2-3 star reviews on Yelp. Withing walking distance from HEB Plus’ pharmacy.
CONS : if Manny is seen leaving the establishment wearing a hoodie, he might be shot.

3) Ikea.

Manny will be spending a lot of time at the Emeryville, CA location, but what better way to get an early start on picking out new furniture than in the relatively calm shopping environment of the Round Rock Ikea?

PROS : Within walking distance of the Round Rock Factory Outlets
CONS : Pretty good chance Manny is getting tased in the parking lot, hoodie or not.

4) Terravista Golf Club

Chances are, Manny’s already made plans to take his River Kings teammates out for an afternoon on the links.

PROS : “This 18 hole Clifton-Ezell-Clifton design has captured the hill country beauty with views that reach 30 miles to the west. The rolling hills provide a challenging 7,200-yard layout whose 5 different tees will challenge golfers of all ages and abilities. ”
CONS : Are you kidding? They’ve got snipers on the clubhouse roof, ready and waiting.

5) Guided tour of the SST Warehouse in nearby Taylor, TX

I realize basketball is more up Greg Ginn’s alley, but I’d like to think one deeply misunderstood icon would welcome another with open arms. And perhaps Manny can snag a copy of B’last’s ‘Take The Manic Ride’?

PROS : Having earned more than $200 million in his baseball career, Ramirez might be looking to diversify his portfolio. And what could be a better investment than SST’s exciting new projects?
CONS : Have you heard B’last’s ‘Take The Manic Ride’?

And that’s pretty much it. Once upon a time, Manny could’ve sought out free wifi at Sandoro’s Coffeehouse & Cafe, but that’s no longer an option.

03.17.13

True Tales From The Depths Of SXSW Desperation

Posted in Austin, Rock Und Roll, Tourism at 8:03 pm by

Late last night, internationally acclaimed rock musician Chris Lutzko and myself set off on foot from Trailer Space to try and catch the Cheater Slicks’ set at Beerland.  We were well aware we’d be running the Red River gauntlet of horrible crowds and random noise coming from all corners, but it was either that or sit around and wait for the passed out guy in the Sid Vicious tee to piss himself (trust me, it was a coin flip).

At some point around the Sheraton on 12th Street, we were accosted by a young gent who said he didn’t know the area, seemed thoroughly unfamiliar with SXSW, and claimed he’d been separated from a band that was playing somewhere downtown.

“Have you guys heard of Immortal Guardian?” No, we hadn’t.  Our new friend claimed the band in question were practitioners of “portable metal”, and were masters of the burgeoning genre known as “intense shredding”.

This was all sounding a little Faxed Head for my tastes, and when he asked if could use our phones, we both declined.

About 5 minutes later, we came upon a quintet who’d set up shop in the narrow bit of real estate between Red Eyed Fly and the Hot Dog King. Though they seemed to playing through the equivalent of an Easy Bake P.A., “intense shredding” (or at least shredding) would be an apt characterization for the path they chose to trample.  And as you might’ve already guessed, the big, light-up sign above them read, “IMMORTAL GUARDIAN”.

What can we learn from this episode?  For starters, if there’s any justice in the world, these guys passed the Red Eyed Fly audition (if not the Hot Dog King’s).  Secondly, just because a young fella is jabbering mindlessly on Austin’s busiest public thoroughfare, that doesn’t necessarily mean he wants to run away with your smartphone.  Or mine.