Big-Time Perks For British Muslims



In the wake of the foiled terror attack in Manchester this week, the Guardian's Sanfraz Manzoor ruminates on the fringe benefits of ugly stereotypes.

Ben Elton had a routine in the 80s about the British obsession with getting a double seat on the train; it never rang any bells of recognition with me because I have never had a problem getting a double seat. Whether on the bus into Luton town centre, the train to Manchester or the Hammersmith and City line you can bet your last bag of fertiliser that the seat next to me will either remain unused or be the last one taken. I have been on tube carriages that have been packed with passengers but the seat next to me has been left vacant. It used to freak me out when I was younger, I was paranoid that I was giving off some scary vibe to everyone around me. But when I discussed it with other Muslim friends it turned out that they too had had the same experience. These days, now I know it is not personal, I am more relaxed about it. Sometimes on the bus I deliberately put my rucksack on the seat next to me and when the bus begins to fill up I make a great play of moving it to see if anyone feels persuaded to sit down. Occasionally they do, but if you look like a Muslim you can be pretty confident of getting a double seat on most forms of public transport.

There are numerous other benefits. At school I was able to get out of swimming, assembly, RE and a trip to a local farm by telling the teacher they were all against my religion. At home, being a Muslim male means you can live with your parents into your late 20s and not be dismissed as a maladjusted loser. If, as a Muslim, you get more attention from the police on the streets, that is offset by the lack of interest that others pay. Those charity muggers who stand in the middle of city high streets for example. You see them everywhere accosting uninterested folk on their way to work or shopping. But all I have to do is walk towards them and look vaguely alienated and they pick on the kind-looking white woman on her way to Boots instead.

If that wasn't enough, while we might be under-represented in the mainstream media and in parliament, the great thing about being a British Muslim is that you can call yourself a "community leader" without the inconvenience of being elected or having any sort of legitimate mandate. The rest of British society remains so ignorant of the Muslim "community" that they think there is one, and anybody willing to shout into a microphone will instantly be dubbed a "community leader". And having a metal hook for an arm and only one eye is not seen as the drawback for career advancement that it might be in elections for the parish council.

Of course, CSTB will acknowledge, even if Sanfraz won't, that there are numerous other reasons why the seat next to someone on the tube might be unoccupied, other than blatant racism. Perhaps the passenger sitting alone has not showered in a week. Or maybe he's forgotten to wear trousers. Or even still, perhaps it is because all of the other passengers on the train have been poisoned with sarin or anthrax and they're too busy writing around in agony to battle for an empty seat.

I'm just trying to cover all the bases.

Posted: Wed - April 21, 2004 at 12:54 PM      

©