07.14.09

A Constructive Critique Of The Biggest Night Of Chris Berman’s Year

Posted in Baseball, Blogged Down at 11:20 am by

I’m enough of a baseball degenerate that I’ll watch most anything remotely related to the game if I have such an option —- the straight to video sequel to Richard Linklater’s “Bad News Bears” remake with Al Goldstein as Buttermaker, old Fran Healy blooper reels, etc. — but I’ve had to draw the line at MLB’s Home Run Derby, possibly the only sporting event I’ve ever watched that was less stimulating than the Pro Bowl.  I only caught the final hour of last night’s contest  (it felt like 3) and rather than analyze Prince Fielder’s victory over Nelson Cruz, I’ll instead c&p the musings of Maura Johnston, who helpfully proposes “Ways To Improve The Home Run Derby”.

Instead of the Gold Ball, get Taco Bell to sponsor the potential 10th out and rename the whole thing the Gold Burrito. œHow far can you hit a Bacon Cheesy Potato Burrito, Prince Fielder? Oh, right, we™d probably have to give him a vegetarian menu item. Nevertheless.

¢ Have Kyle Farnsworth pitch the final round. If the first pitch doesn™t get hit out of the park, a beat-down ensues.

¢ Make Berman call one round through a ball gag.

¢ Free energy drinks of some sort for every fan in the stadium, so they won™t be all lethargic for The Big Finish. I know you™re The World™s Greatest Fans, people of St. Louis, but you could have shown at least a little respect to the people who hit more dingers than your non-conquering hometown hero.

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