06.02.16

You Don’t Know Shit About Selling Yourself (And NAME REDACTED Is Here To Show You How It’s Done)

Posted in record collector disease at 1:34 pm by

(above : a prior generation’s mastermind of media manipulation)

“(NAME REDACTED) is a New York-based power electronics / death industrial project, that aims to express the fatalism of all generative processes and the supremacy of death.

I am being 100% serious when I say this is the single greatest pitch for ANYTHING I have ever read. Talk about checking off ALL THE BOXES  :

1) NY Based.
This is important. New York has produced crucial musical acts ranging from Billy Joel to Murphy’s Law to Fischerspooner. Citing the NYC connection firmly puts the artist in question in a rich pantheon that includes but is not limited to Dee Snider, The Great Kat and Vatican Shadow.

2) “power electronics / death industrial”.
Many performers are loathe to paint themselves into a corner but in this instance you’re only talking about a hybrid of the two best things ever. I’m reminded of Reese’s wildly successful, “you got peanut butter in my chocolate” / “you got chocolate in my peanut butter” television spots from many years ago.

3) “the fatalism of all generative processes”.
This is something most of today’s chart toppers and critics’ faves don’t even want to address. Cowards, every one of ‘em.

4) “the supremacy of death”.
Impossible to argue with. I mean, you had me at the fatalism of all generative processes but adding the supremacy of death is just gravy. Grim, life-hating gravy.

In short, there’s somebody out there who managed to say more about their view of the world in twenty-five words than most spiels manage in thirty-five or forty. I’m in love (with these twenty five words).

06.01.16

The Licki (TM) Brush : A Sure Fire Way To Get Your Roommates To Move Out, Instantly

Posted in Cats, The Marketplace at 8:05 pm by

If you’re like me, and I suspect a few of you are, you’ve got no shortage of friends who are contending with troublesome roommates. Since you can’t simply dump a co-tenant’s shit on the sidewalk, consider the advent of the Licki Brush.  Imagine the look of sheer terror on the face or Mr. or Ms. Thing That Wouldn’t Leave when they stumble thru the front door at 1am and find you GROOMING A CAT WITH YOUR MOUTH on the living room floor.  PRESTO, you’ve got plenty of space for more records.

Or cats.  Because after word gets ’round the neighborhood, they’re all gonna be lining up for licking.

05.31.16

The Spitter’s Good : MLB’s Camo Fixation Honors No One

Posted in Baseball, Fashion, The Marketplace at 10:46 pm by

(above : despite an impressive rebound from his recent pitching struggles, Matt Harvey disrespected America’s fallen heroes yesterday by failing to wear camo sleeves)

As you probably noticed, all 30 Major League Baseball clubs donned camouflage caps and jerseys with camo lettering during Monday’s Memorial Day contests. Aside from the obvious aesthetic atrocities (not nearly as bad as Randy Myers modeling for the Cabela’s catalog, but too close for comfort), The Spitter’s Keith Good finds the camo choice, well, inappropriate.

The camo-splashed designs ignorantly disregard the spirit of Memorial Day. Dating back to the Civil War, families set aside a day to commemorate those who died in service of their country. Nothing in MLB’s camogasm costumes commemorate the fallen.

The uniforms instead fall back on the tired trope of blind military glorification. Memorial Day isn’t about glory but the somberness of men and women who left families and never returned. If baseball truly wanted to Memorialize fallen soldiers, their caps and jerseys would feature traditional memorials like poppies, gold stars, and black ribbons.

The truth is a tasteful cap, embroidered with black and poppies, probably wouldn’t move as much merch for Dick’s. Camo is a proven, profitable design. Yes, MLB is donating the profits from their camo caps to charity, but what about the countless sales partners?

Miami Sportscasters : You Want Marlins Coverage, You Got It

Posted in Baseball, Sports TV at 9:02 pm by

Marlins pregame host Craig Mierveri went on something of a Twitter tear last week, suggesting his colleagues in Miami sports media weren’t doing nearly enough to trumpet the accomplishments of the city’s 3rd place baseball team. New Times’ Ryan Yousefi responds, “What Minervini either misses or is incapable of seeing through his Marlins-employee goggles is that the baseball team should be thankful it gets any coverage at all. The Marlins should kiss the ground that each fan walks on,”(“the Miami Marlins as a franchise are a disgrace to the city of Miami, and most people that don’t directly work for them would much rather go about their day simply forgetting they exist.”). WPLG sports anchor Will Manso, as you can see from the video above, shares some of those sentiments.

One Man’s Anti-Liverpool Sentiments Unleash An International Furor

Posted in Football at 12:07 am by

From The Guardian :


A 50-year-old man has been charged with a public order offence after he was seen at a pub wearing a T-shirt mocking the Hillsborough disaster.

Paul Grange, from Worcester, was charged by West Mercia police with displaying threatening and abusive writing likely to cause harassment, alarm or distress.

A police spokesman said Grange had been bailed to appear at Worcester magistrates court on a date in July.

The West Mercia force launched an inquiry on Sunday after a man was seen wearing a T-shirt suggesting the 1989 disaster, in which 96 Liverpool football fans died, was “God’s way of helping” a pest control firm.

Pictures were posted on social media of the man, who was asked to leave the Brewers Arms, in the St John’s area of Worcester, by the landlord.

A photograph showing Grange wearing another shirt bearing the slogan, “SCOUSERS shouldn’t you be at home f****** your kids” has been making the rounds as well. It’s created probably a little more notoriety than Grange was planning on. In addition to facing criminal charges, there’s an ongoing campaign to deliver items including but not limited to a “mini-horse”, “£2500 in takeaway” and a “male prostitute” to his doorstep. OK, but shouldn’t Grange’s opponents send him something useless and unwanted, too?

05.30.16

Couch Slouch : Toronto’s Jurasic Park Is For Losers

Posted in Basketball, Mob Behavior at 11:34 pm by

Though Norman Chad’s Sunday syndicated column was ostensibly meant as a series of apologies to the nation of Canada for a succession of offenses (Dwayne Wade disrespecting “O, Canada”, MLB pulling the Expos out of Montreal, Stephen A. Smith taking the Raptors lightly), the “Hold On, Honey, I’ll Take You to the Hospital at Halftime” author draws the line at the scenes of Raptors fans congregating in what’s come to be known as Jurasic Park :

There is one area in which otherwise sensible Canadians confound me: this whole notion of gathering outside Air Canada Centre in Toronto to watch the Raptors on a video screen in a plaza. Uh, do you really want to stand around for several hours surrounded by strangers eating and drinking to excess, all in close quarters? If I desired that, I would just go on a Carnival Cruise and take in “Mamma Mia!”

I mean, you either buy a ticket and go inside the arena or you stay at home and watch the game on TV; if you don’t have a TV, you can order one on amazon.com and have it in your living room within 24 hours. Who drives to the arena and then watches the game on a video screen outside the arena? I would have more respect for you if you drove to Best Buy, plopped down in front of a flat screen there and slipped a Geek Squad guy a double sawbuck to sneak you a Yuengling or two.

05.28.16

Sultan Of Surly : Reports Of My Dickishness Are Once Again, Highly Exaggerated

Posted in Baseball at 6:56 pm by

Baseball’s all-time HR leader / current Marlins hitting coach Barry Bonds was accused by Dodgers OF Joc Pedersen earlier this week of refusing to pose for a photograph during Miami’s visit to Chavez Ravine earlier this season. Speaking with MLB.com’s Terrence Moore, Bonds insists there must be some mistake!

“I got a phone call from somebody about it, and I said, ‘What? I did what?’ So I just called the young man up maybe 45 minutes ago, and I apologized, because that’s what he felt took place,” Bonds said Friday in the visitors’ dugout at Turner Field, where his team is playing the Braves this weekend. “What was really funny about that situation is that I didn’t even know that it happened. I don’t like talking to the media about these things, but I’m telling you about the phone call and that I apologized to the kid, because I’ve never done anything to a ballplayer like that in my life.

“How do the young kids say it nowadays? I didn’t mean to ‘dis’ him. So I made a point today to call him up and apologize.”

“I told him, ‘It’s an unfortunate situation that you felt you had to go to the media to make that statement when, technically, it was an honest mistake, and I didn’t go out of my way to do something like that, because I’ve never done anything like that in my life,’” Bonds said.

As Thom Loverro points out, this is not the first time Bonds has faced charges from another player for somewhat less than gracious behavior.

05.27.16

Ricky Williams’ Brilliant New Biz Venture : The Smoke Out Workout

Posted in Fitness, Gridiron, The Marketplace at 11:21 pm by

Tech Insider’s Melia Robinson reports 420 Games founder Jim McAlpine is launching San Francisco’s Power Plant Fitness, the nation’s first gym where marijuana consumption is not merely permitted, but actively encouraged. Appropriately enough, McAlpine’s business partners include Heisman winner / celebrated weed enthusiast Ricky Williams (above, left).

“It won’t be a place to get high and just screw around,” Jim McAlpine, founder of the cannabis event series 420 Games and cofounder of Power Plant Fitness, wrote in a blog on the company’s website. “We are focused on the athletic side, not the cannabis side.”

In an email to Tech Insider, McAlpine explains that the gym looks to cannabis as a tool for focus and recovery. New members will take a “cannabis performance assessment” under the supervision of staff to determine the “most optimal ways to consume.” Some might find a bite out a pot brownie gives them the push they need to complete a circuit training workout, while others find it knocks them on the floor.

“We will be helping our members figure out how is best for them to ingest their cannabis,” McAlpine tells Tech Insider in an email.

05.26.16

Baylor’s Taylor Young : Accessible To The Fans, Even In A Time Of Crisis

Posted in College Spurts, twitter twatter at 10:54 pm by

As you’ve probably read elsewhere, Baylor shitcanned head football coach Art Briles earlier today, a decision that left one of his talented players, junior LB Taylor Young, bemoaning the rush to judgement.

Y’know, the lack of serious attention being paid to sexual assaults on the part of Young’s teammates has just a little to do with Briles’ termination, so I think we can call the above analogy slightly flawed. Then again, though I lack nearly as much higher education as Young, I did have the benefit of a late morning on the couch.

HEY OLD PEOPLE. STOP TWEETING AT THE BEAR-4-LIFE AND GET BACK TO WORK.

An(other) Important Message From The Entertainment Arm Of Cumbucket Media

Posted in Austin, Internal Affairs, record collector disease, Rock Und Roll at 2:39 pm by

JAM_itunes

Coming July 22 : James Arthur’s Manhunt – Digital Clubbing LP (12XU 083-1)

This album isn’t centuries in the making. It just feels like it. In reality, the first full-length album from James Arthur’s Manhunt since 2010′s ‘Manhunt’ (Aarght!) is a crazed, yet shockingly coherent career highlight for a guy whose excursions into guitar chaos in a variety of guises/cities would’ve incapacitated lesser men. Or women. In fact, I think it has incapacitated lesser men and women, but enough about the audience.

P1570362 copy

(photo by Ángel Delgado Reyes)

For those who don’t know, guitarist/vocalist James Arthur has marked his territory in places as far flung as Brisbane, Memphis and Austin, TX. It’s been in the Texas capitol where he’s taken hard life-lessons-learned from tenures in such legendary outfits as The Necessary Evils, C.C. Riders, New Memphis Legs, The Reatards, A Fest Of Snakes, Fireworks and the Golden Boys…and ignored all of ‘em, instead vomiting into the face of adulthood with a decidedly volatile red-white-and-boo-fucking-hoo take on what some people like to call “space rock”. What would Hawkwind sound like if you owed them money (or they were locked out of the house?). Let’s hope we never find out.

P1530473 copy

(photo by Ángel Delgado Reyes)

All kidding aside, after one LP and a succession of singles for the In The Red, Goodbye Boozy, Perpetrator and Spacecase labels, James was somehow able to RECORD THE UNRECORDABLE. Under the technical supervision of Stuart Sikes (who as an actual Grammy Award (TM) winner really ought to know better), and bolstered by Texas conspirators including Bryan Schmitz (the Golden Boys), Orville Neeley (OBN III’s, Bad Sports) and Sean Morales (Ichi Ni San Shi), ‘Digital Clubbing’ is the Manhunt record that accurately documents the total sickness that is the band’s (better than) average live show, yet improbably brings it all into focus for brief enough flashes that it all hangs together as a very sticky, sweaty classic.

Preorder ‘Digital Clubbing’ at 12XU.bigcartel.com

05.25.16

Bills GM : Sorry For Stating The Obvious

Posted in Gridiron at 4:17 pm by

On a Tuesday appearance on WGR, Buffalo Bills GM Doug Whaley — while discussing the injury history of his team’s Sammy Watkins —- called professional football, “a violent game that I don’t think humans are supposed to play.”  Though the station has since removed the archive of Whaley’s highly publicized statement, the former University Of Pittsburgh defensive back did some fancy tap dancing earlier today, which is bad news for those of us hoping the Bills would field an all-robot starting XI next fall.   From the Buffalo News’ Vic Carucci :

“Clearly I used a poor choice of words in my comment (Tuesday) morning,” he said in a statement released by the team. “As a former player who has the utmost respect and love for the game, the point that I was trying to make is that football is a physical game and injuries are a part of it. Playing football no doubt is very physically, mentally, and emotionally challenging, and that is all part of what makes the game so compelling to play and watch.”

“The game has more protection for players now than ever, thanks largely to the safety advancements and numerous rule changes made by our league and promoted to all levels of football. I believe our game continues to have a bright future and I hope that this statement provides clarity as to the intent of my earlier comment.”

05.24.16

Candidate Bill Lee : In Your Heart, You Know He’s (The) Right (Guy To Get High With)

Posted in Baseball, politics at 5:07 pm by

Former Red Sox/Expos left-hander Bill Lee has announced his candidacy for Governor of Vermont, representing the Liberty Union party,the same group that brought Senator Bernie Sanders to regional prominence once upon a time. From WCAX’s Kyle Midura :

“You get what you pay for, if you want change, you vote for Sanders or me. I’m Bernie-heavy, I’m not Bernie-lite. My ideas were before Bernie,” said Lee. “If you want to see money come down from the 2 percent, we’re going to need umbrellas when I’m elected, because it’s going to be raining dollars,” he said.

“The problem with Americans is their fist is like this (closed), and you got to open your hands. Republicans are pterodactyls, they have little short arms that never get to their front pockets,” said Lee.

He argues for legalization and taxation of pot in Vermont, along with single-payer health care, paid family leave and bringing the Expos back to Montreal.

In 1988 he ran for president under the Canadian Rhinoceros Party which touted positions like bulldozing the Rocky Mountains so that Alberta could receive a few extra minutes of daylight and a ban on deadly guns and butter.

“If things don’t go our way, if we get Trump as president, I’m out of here and I’ll take Vermont with us,” said Lee.

05.23.16

Etan Thomas’ Train Conductor Was Right : The Knicks COULD Use Him

Posted in Basketball, Racism Corner at 4:22 pm by

From Etan Thomas’ Facebook page, Friday, May 20, 2016:

Ok so I’m getting on the train and there are no open seats and I ask this lady if I could sit next to her (very politely and I soften my voice as to not frighten her) and she says someone is sitting here. So I go to the next seat. Now, less than 2 mins later a man (who happens to be white) asks if he can sit there and she says why sure let me move my stuff. So I have to say something so I ask ummmmm did you just not want ME to sit next to you ? Were you scared ? Not comfortable with a Black Man sitting next to you ? And she says lol smh don’t pull the race card stuff with me I dated a Black guy in college. So the guy (who was a nice guy) said listen I’ll get up and I said no need I’mma just take this pic and make a Facebook post about it. So then she says did you just take a pic of me ? Well I’m going to tell the conductor that you’re over here illegally taking pics of ppl without their consent. So the conductor came up and said hey Etan Thomas love what you’re doing in the community loved you with the Wizards big Cuse fan man the Knicks sure could use you …. And I said was there something you wanted to tell my man ? And she rolled her eyes smh some ppl I tell ya

Owner With A Boner : I’ll Be Veep For Anyone…

Posted in Basketball, politics at 4:08 pm by

….except possibly Lyndon LaRouche. Proving for once and all that every eligible voter in San Antonio is not enough to tip the balance of Texas’ electoral votes, Mavericks owner Mark Cuban suggests he’s a viable choice for a running mate for either likely nominee. And compared to Donald Sterling, sure, why not? From the Dallas Morning News’ SportsDay DFW :

Cuban said on NBC’s “Meet the Press” Sunday he would “absolutely” consider being Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump’s running mate. He added, however, Clinton would have to “go more to center” before he committed to serving as her VP.

“I like the fact that Senator Clinton has thought-out proposals,” Cuban said. “That’s a good thing because at least we get to see exactly where she stands.”

But if neither Clinton or Trump approach Cuban about running with them, the billionaire said he may just run for president himself in 2020 or 2024.

05.22.16

Saturday’s Anthem At Petco : Live Or Memorex? (HINT : It Wasn’t Live)

Posted in Baseball at 7:00 pm by

Saturday’s Dodgers/Padres tilt in San Diego got off to a rather confusing start, as a 100-man chorus invited by the host ballclub was drowned out by a prerecorded tape of a woman singing “The Star Spangled Banner”. From the San Diego Union-Tribune’s Kirk Kenney and Deborah Sullivan Brennan :

The anthem is not always performed live, and this was an instance where a taped version was to be played with the performers on the field. Saturday was scheduled as a “Pride Night” game, aimed at engaging lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender baseball fans. Members of the chorus said they were shocked and embarrassed by the incident, and want to find out how it happened.

“I really want to believe that it was an error,” said Bob Lehman, executive director of the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus. “But the first thought was, did they do this on purpose?”

Padres officials would not comment on the record about the incident, although a team official said it was a mistake with no malicious intent. The official added that the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus has performed the anthem at Petco on several other occasions without incident.

As the Chorus exited the field some spectators murmured encouragement or apologies for the mistake, but others jeered insults, and shouted “You sing like a girl,” Lehman said. Experiencing such a blunder at Pride Night was discouraging, singers said. The fact that team officials didn’t correct it immediately made matters worse, they added.

“I can understand how that happens, but what I didn’t understand why they didn’t stop the track or apologize,” artistic director RC Haus said.

05.21.16

Finally, The Hitler’s Rant Portion Of “Downfall” Is Used For Something With Universal Appeal

Posted in Genocidal Tendencies, record collector disease, Rock Und Roll at 8:08 pm by

This will give you an idea why the Führer (of Toledo) is so aggrieved :

The Less Than Triumphant Return Of (Oakland) Coliseum Sewage

Posted in Baseball, Sad Toilets at 5:34 pm by

Prior to the Yankees’ 5-1 defeat of the A’s this afternoon, the toilets in the visitors’ clubhouse at Oakland Coliseum overflowed. Again. From the NY Daily News’ Mark Feisand :


Joe Girardi said the water first began to appear in the dugout during Friday night’s game, though he was unsure about the source of the leak.

“We had some leakage yesterday,” Girardi said. “I just think there was water leaking from one of the pipes.”

In June 2013, raw sewage flooded the home dugout, then seeped into the coaches’ bathroom in the clubhouse later that season. The coaches’ room was hit again by the same issue the following year.

05.20.16

AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE FROM THE ARCHEOLOGY DEPT OF 12XU RECORDINGS

Posted in Internal Affairs, record collector disease, Rock Und Roll at 8:11 pm by

Coming late summer : Stickmen With Ray Guns – 'Property Of Jesus Christ' (12XU 079-1) and '1000 Lives To Die' (12XU 080-1). Live recordings from shows in Houston (1984) and Dallas (1987) respectively.

A video posted by @12xurecs on

05.19.16

Flushing Faithful Show Patience, Understand With Matt Harvey’s Struggles

Posted in Baseball at 8:44 pm by

Well, I’m sure some of ‘em are patient and understanding. Perhaps those that weren’t watching tonight’s debacle against the Nationals. Or noting Harvey’s drop in velocity and inability to do much besides throw batting practice past the 5th inning this season.

05.18.16

NY Post : A Mets Icon Representing Himself In Court Has A Fool For A Client

Posted in Baseball, Parental Responsibility, The Law at 5:33 pm by

Simply because Mets starter / universal folk hero Bartolo Colon has demonstrated he can hit a home run in MLB competition, does not necessarily mean he oughta to be representing himself in a court of law. According to the New York Post’s Julia March, Colon is facing legal action from a woman who claims she’s raising two of the hurler’s “love children” (Marsh’s words, not mine), while married to his wife of more than two decades, Roseanne.

Colon — who has earned more than $100 million in his career — sired the children with Alexandra Santos, 38, while he was also playing the dutiful family man with wife Rosanna and their four sons.

The MLB star has never publicly acknowledged the 7-year-old daughter and 8-year-old son he had with Santos, who filed suit a year ago demanding child support.

“Mr. Colon obviously is a very talented baseball player and he earns a significant income, and we believe that his children should share in the lifestyle they would have enjoyed had their parents remained together,” Santos’ attorney Evan Schein told The Post.

Colon — who earned the ironic nickname “Big Sexy” because of his pudgy, 5-foot-11, 285-pound frame — was in Manhattan court Monday facing Santos in their child-support battle, which was listed in official papers as “Anonymous v. Anonymous.” It was Colon’s own fault that his cover was blown. Because he briefly represented himself in the custody dispute, his name was listed as an attorney in the case, sabotaging the “anonymous” shield the former couple had been granted by a judge.

05.16.16

There Is No Sum Of Money* That Can Get Me To Part With My (Second) Copy Of The Wild Dogs’ Snuff Rock Sleeve

Posted in non-sporting journalism, record collector disease at 10:24 pm by

(* – less than $30.00 USD)

There’s a classic call to the (pre independence) Best Show in which Andy Earles purports to be a booking agent of some repute trying to sell Tom on a succession of thoroughly brutal package tours (ie. “how much would you pay to see The Darling Buds and The Ocean Blue?”).

I kinda feel like Tim Jonze’s Guardian piece on what to cherry pick from what sounds like a thoroughly brutal CD collection is an unintended sequel to that phone call.

“Not many people had been personally sent an album from prison by Jonathan King with a note explaining that he was innocent of sex crimes against children – should I keep that?”

What, you’re too cheap to get it framed?

I don’t mean to pick on Tim Jonze – who I do not know and is probably an alright guy (his Beatles/Cribs joke was pretty good, actually). But not once in my life have I ever asked myself if it was necessary to own multiple copies of this LP because OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS.

Chronicle Editor : Brian T. Smith Screwed Carlos Gomez

Posted in Baseball, Racism Corner, Sports Journalism at 10:12 pm by

The matter of Houston Chronicle baseball scribe Brian T. Smith’s attempts to portray OF Carlos Gomez as especially inarticulate were noted in this space last week, and on Friday, Smith’s boss, Chronicle editor Nancy Barnes issued a mea culpa to Journal-ism’s Richard Prince :

“With regards to quoting Carlos Gomez: We sincerely apologize for any offense that was taken. Our writers are encouraged to adhere to AP style rules, which are quoted below. I reviewed the rules myself after this arose and found the guidelines on quotes to be less than adequate for a community like ours, full of immigrants from all over the world, and for whom English is often a second language. I’ve asked some top editors to review this policy, research best practices, and recommend guidance for all of our writers in the future. We always want to be respectful of those we are interviewing.”

05.15.16

Joey Votto Hates Children, Philly Fans & Social Media…

Posted in Baseball at 10:30 pm by

….not necessarily in that order. High marks to the Reds first baseman who clearly believes a polyester New Era cap provides sufficient protection from a 9-volt battery thrown from a great height.

Or maybe he’s just confident that with the death of the Flavoradio (SOME 8 BILLION YEARS AGO), hardly anyone at the ballpark has a 9-volt battery handy.

Roughned Odor Just Raised The Bar On Baseball Fights…

Posted in Baseball at 5:58 pm by

…with all due respect to Juan Marichal.

05.14.16

Tomorrow Night At The North Door

Posted in Austin, jazz, record collector disease at 10:35 pm by

Pedro Moreno’s Epistrophy Arts has brought Peter Brötzmann to Austin at least 6 times in the last 8 years, which is pretty staggering. I write this not to suggest tomorrow night’s performance by Brötzmann, Jason Adasiewicz, John Edwards and Steve Noble is something we”ll be able to catch again anytime soon (chances are, we won’t) but rather that we’re impossibly lucky this ever happens within driving distance.

A photo posted by Dan Grzeca (jet-sah) (@jetsah) on