Above : ad placed by a real American hero.
Above : ad placed by a real American hero.
(above : actually a photo taken at ABC No Rio, but this seems to be how one businessman recalls the old Maxwell’s)
Hoboken, NJ’s Maxwell’s was eulogized in this space last year (“The Place That Ran Contrary To (Almost) Every Negative Rock Club Stereotype : A Fond Farewell To Maxwell’s”) thusly : “even before CBGB’s booking turned into an orgy of indifference, Maxwell’s took a curatorial approach to the old & new in a manner that respected the intelligence of the audience & performers alike. In stark contrast to barns like City Gardens or The Ritz, Maxwell’s felt like a place that was owned & staffed by persons who thought the players and paying customers were friends and peers. As opposed to, y’know, targets & tools in the all-important struggle to sell more beer.” Of course, times change, neighborhoods get pricey, and a new generation of monied types have their own ideas of what does or doesn’t constitute quality entertainment. Enter the co-owner of the new Maxwell’s, Peter Carr, whom the Hudson Reporter’s Carlo Davis credits with turning what used to be a tremendous performance space for 30 decades + of pioneering bands of local and international import into a home for “trivia, stand-up comedy and fantasy football.” For better or (mostly) worse, Carr’s decided to reintroduce live music to the mix (a random assortment of “American Idol” runner ups, cover bands and would-be Blues Hammers), though he hilariously claims, “we’re trying to get back to some of the roots of Maxwell’s”. I wonder what he thinks those roots are?
In the old days when Maxwell’s was at its height,” said Carr, “it was primarily punk rock and grunge, and that was kind of back in the day when the artists could afford to live in Hoboken. Some of that’s changed and the demographics are a lot different than they used to be so we’re trying to cater to the demographics that we see in the town.”
“It’s not an old broken down stage with PA systems and your feet sticking to the floor because the floor hasn’t been washed in two weeks,” said Carr. “The old place was a dive.”
In seeking a new upscale concept, Carr holds little nostalgia for the Maxwell’s that was. “The place has been completely redone,” said Carr. “It’s nice, it’s clean, it’s open, the food’s good, so it’s a whole different type of atmosphere than the old Maxwell’s, where you would have the people…come in and have a hamburger and drink and spill stuff all over the floor and go into the back room and jump up and down and get their ears blasted out. This is a lot higher quality.”
Alright, this (dopey) entrepreneur is more than entitled to try and make a buck however he sees fit, but any characterization of the old Maxwell’s as either a) a punk/grunge HQ or b) biohazard-central is pretty off, especially the “dive” comments. By the standards of real dives, Maxwell’s was one of the cleaner, best maintained, more hospitable live music venues in the entire country. It’s mostly the booking that made it special, but the room itself was great (the P.A., especially). Was it a “punk” club, you ask?.Only the hardest of the hardcore. I nearly sprained my ankle trying to stage dive at a Richard Thompson show ( because the entire audience was sitting quietly on the floor and I kept tripping on people).
The irony is that Carr is dissing a place that by most rock’n'roll standards (at least those for clubs too small to have VIP viewing decks) was pretty upscale (yet very welcoming to all who played or attended). It’s very likely there’s been enough turnover in Hoboken that there’s few persons remaining who’d be offended at Carr trashing a local institution that generated so much goodwill (and curiously, a brand name he still wants to milk). But it’s not great P.R., and the Hudson Reporter’s willingness to let Carr’s claims run unchallenged isn’t great journalism, either.
Alright, that’s not exactly what Barcelona/Uruguay striker Luis Suarez writes in his newly released ‘Crossing The Line : My Story’, but in an excerpt that appeared in yesterday’s Guardian, the prolific scorer/serial chomper of opponents is equal parts contrite (“I had just become a father to a young daughter, Delfina, and the thought that she would grow up to see that I had done this upset me more than anything else,”) and weirdly defiant (“banning me from all stadiums worldwide? Telling me I couldn’t go to work? Stopping me from even jogging around the perimeter of a football pitch?…I was an easy target”).
After my 10-match ban in 2013 for biting Branislav Ivanovic, I had questioned the double standards and how the fact that no one actually gets hurt is never taken into consideration. The damage to the player is incomparable with that suffered by a horrendous challenge. Sometimes English football takes pride in having the lowest yellow-card count in Europe, but of course it will have if you can take someone’s leg off and still not be booked. When they can say it is the league with the fewest career-threatening tackles, then it will be something to be proud of.
I know biting appals a lot of people, but it’s relatively harmless. Or at least it was in the incidents I was involved in. When Ivanovic rolled up his sleeve to show the referee the mark at Anfield, there was virtually nothing there. None of the bites has been like Mike Tyson on Evander Holyfield’s ear. But none of this makes it right.
Thursday’s Toronto Sun attempted to chronicle Jermain Defoe’s tricky, injury-plagued transition from the EPL to Major League Soccer, essentially calling the former West Ham/Tottenham striker a malingerer and even worse, a mamma’s boy. And what a mamma! Defoe’s mom, Sandra St. Helen (above), stands accused of having engineered her son’s previous transfer deals and allegedly, has a return to England already in the works for Toronto F.C.s very pricy acquisition. Even worse, she’s compared to Vince Carter’s mom!
Perhaps it was the specter of the Raptors-eschewing VC that drove TSN’s Kristian Jack to distraction, arguing that TFC’s burial of Defoe’s mother proves the 8-year old franchise, “still has many things to learn”.
So much for an amicable parting.
It didn’t have to end like this. Defoe’s commitment and health has been questioned by fans and many members of the media but this latest report will hurt him the most. By targeting the woman who he loves the most, the club will mean nothing to him from now on. There will be many that will be disappointed with the allegations made against his mom in the report but they should be more alarmed by the story itself.
Defoe is weeks away from becoming an ex-TFC player. Meanwhile, the club will carry on and has a reputation to rebuild. Leaks to the press about what a player has been up to when he is already leaving is nothing more than a childish way of trying to win the battle of public opinion.
Currently ensconced in Cleveland’s frontcourt, C Kevin Love makes his first person debut at Derek Jeter’s Players Tribune, taking the opportunity to salute Timberwolves fans (“thanks for not burning my jersey, you guys,”) and explain his departure in a essay that makes it clear he never believed Glen Taylor would surround him with the necessary talent.
I grew up a lot – personally and professionally – during my time with the Wolves. I’ll be the first to tell you that I didn’t always handle things perfectly. We are all unfinished products. It’s not easy to handle the disappointment of losing when you’re in your early twenties. There were times when I wasn’t easy to be around in the locker room. It’s hard to be a leader when you don’t have the model — and when you don’t have a blueprint for what winning in the NBA looks like.
But I make no excuses. I posted my best personal numbers last season, and we still didn’t make the playoffs. Some of the backlash was pretty hard to take — I learned that there is apparently such a thing as an “empty stat” (I’ll try to remember the importance of that the next time I am boxing out for a rebound against Tim Duncan).
In the end, I was given the opportunity to move on, and I took it. My decision was about wanting to win. When I think back to being a kid shooting on an eight-foot hoop in my Shawn Kemp jersey, I never dreamed about putting up a triple-double or signing a max contract. I dreamed about holding up a championship trophy. In order to get to that place, I knew that I needed to move on.
After a ten game OHL losing streak, any suggestions that Fixter chill (the fuck) out are unlikely to be well received.
After serving half of a 5 year sentence for rape, former Sheffield United striker Ched Evans celebrated his recent release from prison with a cunning alternative to a press conference ; free of pesky journalists asking tough questions, Evans instead posted a video to his website in which he a) apologized to his girlfriend for an act of infidelity (as oppposed to, y’know, a sexual assault on someone else), b) continued to insist he’d merely engaged in a consensual sex act (for which he’s also, very very sorry), and c) pledged he’d be a great guy in the community if once again, allowed to lace ‘em up as a professional soccer star.
(illustration by Ike Turner)
“We Americans, need our Crass, our Mekons, our Billy Childish, our Billy Bragg, our Chumbawumba,” so declares former “Noise The Show” host/musician/VH1 contributor/A&R fella Tim Sommer, who takes to the Brooklyn Bugle to call the new Foo Fighters song, “the most vapid, despicable, corrupt and unentertaining piece of crap I have ever heard” (“let’s use all our energy and all our connections to find a Steve Ignorant or Jon Langford or punk rock Steve Earle to climb on the cardboard Golgotha sitting on the John Varvatos cash-pile consumerist rock has become and tell this rock’n’roll Herod that his time is over.”) Lest you think these are the ramblings of some random crank as opposed to, y’know, a genuine crusader, Sommer writes, ” I owe it to every great band I ever saw, to do everything I can to call this piece of sad decay exactly what it is: a sign of the absolute rotten corruption of this genre.”
Just to be perfectly clear, it’s not Pat Smear or Taylor Hawkins that Sommer singles out for special ridicule, instead lambasting American’s Sweetheart, Dave Grohl ;
Yes, Dave Grohl, I am looking at you, because you are spewing out your ugly sub-Soul Asylum-meets-Desmond Child belch-fuel masquerading, cruelly, as PUNK ROCK… I prefer the flagrant, blatant, numbskull fakes to the vile subtle ones; any Adam Levine, proud of his Douche Fiefdom, is preferable to some half-assed watered down version of REAL.
Sommer certainly knows of what he speaks — during a previous life signing bands to major labels, he inked Levine’s pre-Maroon 5 combo, Kara’s Flowers, to an MCA deal (a factoid strangely missing from the Bugle op/ed), so he’s certainly played an active role in fashioning the Douche Fiefdom. And while Tim is hardly the first or last person to take exception to the current overload of all things Dave Grohl, it is somewhat telling what certain individuals do when they’re in a position of power and influence. Sommer sneers at Grohl hobnobbing with Chelsea Handler, but the former Dain Bramage guitarist has also used his notoriety to (for instance) shine a bright light on artists including but not limited to Ian MacKaye and Tim Kerr. I mean no disrespect to the wonderful Chubawumba back catalog when I say the rest of the world would be very, very lucky to have an Ian MacKaye or Tim Kerr.
In contrast, what did Mr. Sommer do when blessed with an opportunity to use the vast resources of a Time-Warner property? While Grohl opted for the longest EPK in music biz history (albeit one featuring interesting content that isn’t entirely about self-promotion), Sommer signed HOOTIE & THE FUCKING BLOWFISH. And he’s pretty darn pleased with his role in their ascent, too, writing in the same Brooklyn Bugle (“20 Years Ago Today I Started A Spectacular Voyage With Hootie & The Blowfish”), “we achieved the impossible, but it never seemed impossible to us. We never doubted we were doing the right thing; we simply followed the instincts in our practical and artistic hearts.”
(above : the artistically pure Darius Rucker)
“I have been asked many times how someone (uh, me) whose past musical history was so entwined with extreme forms of the artful and/or noisy could have ended up working with something so intrinsically linked with the mainstream,” because in case you’ve not been keeping track, Sommer’s musical history also includes playing in 2015 Rock & Roll Hall Fame inductees Even Worse, and a celebrated stint in NYC’s mind-blowingly pretentious Hugo Largo, a group whose old records currently crowd bargain bins not populated by the recordings of AmRep hopefuls Surgery.
(*-he’s also boasted of being a founding member of Swans, despite not having recorded or played any shows with the group. So this is right up there with my founding The Ramones and inventing Facebook).
I bring Surgery up not because I think being less of a footnote in history to that band is a special sort of insult, far from it. Rather, Sommer cites the fellow NYC quartet with no prompting in his Hootie reminiscence, claiming the Blowfish scaled the loftiest of commercial heights despite being a far lower commercial priority for Atlantic Records than the “emminently second division ‘grunge’” offerings of Surgery.
So there you have it — not only is Surgery’s Sean McDonnell (a tireless supporter of exactly the type of bands that never made the radar of Sommer and pals) no longer here to defend himself, but his band sold SIXTEEN MILLION, NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY NINE THOUSAND, NINE HUNDRED AND NINETY NINE fewer records than those terrific dudes in Hootie & The Blowfish.
Classy stuff, Tim. Y’know, I’ve seen it suggested elsewhere more than once that Dave Grohl — once dubbed a minor talent by that excellent arbiter of taste, Courtney Love — has gone awfully far in show business because of an uncanny knack for surrounding himself with iconic players and the general presumption by public & media alike that he’s an OK guy.
He’s certainly surrounded himself with a lot of talented people (which is probably preferable to surrounding yourself with schmucks). But there’s much worse things than being an OK guy. You could instead be someone nursing a bizarre 20 year grudge against an alleged grunge hegemony that made it terribly difficult for cutting edge artists like Hootie and Maroon 5 to make their important social statements.
Media critic Anita Sarkeesian recently bailed on a public speaking engagement at Utah State University after one nutcase — angered by Sarkeesian’s examination of misogyny/sexism in video game culture — promised “the deadliest shooting in American history.” I know, I know the EMP Pop Conference doesn’t get that kind of feedback. Saddened by further attacks on Sarkeesian on social media, former Minnesota Vikings punter and self-described video game enthusiast writes Chris Kluwe writes, “I hope every #Gamergater, picks up a debilitating case of genital warts.” From The Cauldron :
I am a gamer. I’ve had 24-hour LAN parties, fragging people in Duke Nukem and Quake, pounding Mountain Dew to stay awake, WinAMP playlist blasting my favorite songs at high volume. I’ve traded Nintendo Power facts and tips with my friends on the playground, and tried to figure out where the next boss was, or the best strategy to use (complete with horseshit stories from that one friend who just loved making things up and —NO!?—?you cannot save Aeris, goddammit). I’ve been made fun of by the jocks, even when I was on the football team.
Every time I see one of you slackjawed pickletits link me something like “I’m a moderate #Gamergate’r,” or “#Gamergate in sixty seconds YOUTUBE CLIP,” or “Here’s an anecdotal story from this one woman we found that completely negates an entire history of misogyny and abuse of woman, not just in videogaming but in the entirety of human existence so support the REAL GAMERS,” it pisses me the fuck off because you are ruining something I enjoy. When people?—?everyday people who watch the coverage on CNN of Anita Sarkeesian having to cancel a speaking engagement due to death threats?—?think of “gamers,” they are going to think of you, and that irritates me. It enrages me.
You, #Gamergaters, with your bilious Internet rage, you think you’re speaking for some core demographic, some historic legacy, but you’re not. You’re speaking for a lie trapped inside your mind; a lie that one somehow has to be “hardcore” in order to appreciate games; a lie formed by social ineptitude and too much time spent picturing yourself as the only creature that matters in the universe. A lie about male power and privilege, and how dare those women try to ruin your fun? (No matter whose expense you’re having it at). The lie you tell yourselves is one completely incapable of recognizing just how far society has come?—?that equality is important, and that the tech industry has been misogynistic for a very long time, and that we need to change that, and we’re in the process of doing so, despite the mouthvomits you like to pretend are logical trains of thought.
Deep apologies to Michael Jordon for paraphrasing a quote widely attributed to him that had nothing to do with Kobe Bryant. But man, how many times a calendar year do Bayless or Smith stare across the table at each other in silence and think to themselves, “man, glad I didn’t say anything nearly that stupid this morning”?
One of our more respected cultural critics recently observed that lots of couples seem to have their breakup moments on the Hotel Vegas patio, and while that’s probably the case, maybe this can be the night they realize the utter futility of their doomed relationships INSIDE while several of Austin’s finest players provide the accompaniment?
Despite John Schooley’s impressive recorded resume, his recently concluded global travels and genre-smashing skills on guitars electric and otherwise, I would be very hesitant to say that he’s “better than you”. Not even the occasion of a new John Schooley album on the Voodoo Rhythm label would cause me to make such an audacious statement.
However, as it turns out, Mr. Schooley, has not one, but TWO new full length albums to flog, the second being an acoustic collaboration with storied harmonica demon Walter Daniels. Despite this record being issued by a label that typically specializes in artists who can neither play or sing, all of the above qualify as cause(s) for celebration, and indeed, I feel very confident in saying John Schooley Is Better Than You and you’d better fucking turn up to glorify him.
Shawn David McMillen is nothing short of the Troubadour Of Tomorrow — even if I’ve been saying that since yesterday. Shawn’s songs and performances are like a goddamn life raft in an ocean of faux-psych / doofus-experimental charlatans who aren’t even qualified to make this guy a sandwich let alone pass judgement on this undiscovered/unburied national treasure.
Someon once asked me to explain what was so fucking great about Hoosier transplants turned omnipresent houserockers Church Shoes, and I’ll admit, I struggled to find the right words for a minute or so. “Great songs, crack musicianship, zero self consciousness and they’re pretty lovable.”
“But other than that, I don’t see what the big deal is”
Warning : there are details in this story that will shock, dismay and possibly even sicken many of you.
For instance, who knew there was a restaurant in Connecticut called HUSKY PIZZA?
Former Journey vocalist Steve Perry— perhaps hoping everyone’s forgotten his 2005 appearances in the White Sox locker room — was a frequent/annoying TV fixture during the NLCS, and with San Francisco making their 3rd trip to the Fall Classic in 5 seasons, the voice behind such hits as “Don’t Stop Believin’” and “Wheel In The Sky” spoke with KNBR’s Brian Murphy :
McCaffrey: You mentioned Bruce Bochy — is he like the Bill Graham figure for these guys? There are famous stories of Bill Graham getting the Who to play three more songs when they wanted to go home, or getting Crosby, Stills, Nash and Young to perform. … Do you see Bochy as that guy the way Bill Graham was for your community?
Perry: There’s no doubt that certain key figures like Bill and Bochy do sit in an area by themselves. They do get you to do things — somehow you just want to rise to their requests, and somehow they get people to play for them. I think Bochy is that kind of guy. I’ve had the pleasure of being on the field for batting practice a few times and got to talk to him. He’s a pretty charismatic cat. He walks up to you, and first of all he’s about nine feet tall. He looks down at you, and he’s a very big guy, and he’s got that (deep) voice, “How’re you doing, how’s it going.” … But I want to say one thing — one of the themes of some of our other playoff runs was “torture.” I’ve got a new one — I think torture kind of comes with a sense of entitlement, and we don’t have that. We do not have a sense of entitlement as a team. A friend of mine said something the other day — I was saying, “Man, this is amazing — this is tough!” And he said, “If it was easy, it wouldn’t be fun!” I thought that was genius — if this was easy, it wouldn’t be fun!
McCaffrey: Part of the great AT&T experience is really a communal thing — it brings a lot of different kinds of people together who probably wouldn’t be sitting together normally, and we’re all applauding for the same thing. You’ve become a big part of that with “Don’t Stop Believin’” and “Lights” in the eighth inning. Do you still get a charge out of that?
Perry: I have not been in a situation like that in many, many years — you guys know that. I was asked to lead the fans during the middle of the eighth, and wow it’s a real charge. In fact, sometimes I have to calm myself down because I start to hang over the balcony and stuff like that.
box courtesy Austin’s Vulcan Video.
Serious props to Cleveland Plain-Dealer scribe Chris Haynes and his editor for this morning’s headline, “Though concerned, Dallas Mavericks determined not to let Ebola alter their lives”, which runs atop a item that warns the visiting Dallas Mavericks, “are right at the center of the epidemic.” Well, yeah, they’re at Quicken Loans Arena tonight.
“Obviously everyone was a little nervous and a little scared in Dallas, but it’s one of those things that you can’t really control,” Chandler Parsons told Northeast Ohio Media Group after the team’s shootaround in preparation for the Cavaliers on Friday night.
“It’s crazy. You just have to hope that everyone stays safe and they can help the people with it.”
Before I could ask a follow-up question, Parsons asked, “Isn’t there one Ebola case here in Cleveland now?”
Despite the national uproar Ebola has caused, members of the Mavericks are not going to let it affect how they go about their everyday regimen.
“Nah, not really,” Mavericks’ forward Dirk Nowitzki said to Northeast Ohio Media Group. “We as a city have to trust the health system and the hospitals. You just can’t live your life in fear all the time. Obviously, I wouldn’t be where there are 2,000 people, but I wouldn’t do that anyways. It hasn’t done anything to me yet.”
Though it’s not quite Hal Steinbrenner apologizing for the Yankees’ 2nd place finish, Suns managing partner Robert Sarver spoke to those in attendance during the closing moments of last night’s San Antonio vs. Phoenix preseason encounter, one that didn’t feature a number of Spurs starters.
It’s a fascinating stance for Sarver to take, because after all, who would know better about what’s best for the welfare of the defending champion Spurs than a rival owner? How can Greg Popovich, with a pathetic resume including a mere 5 NBA titles in 15 seasons, put the interests of his selfish, lazy players above those of Phoenix’s hardcore basketball fans, all of whom had a reasonable expectation they’d be watching a game on the level of a Conference Final when they knowingly shelled out for exhibition game tickets?
Arizona State recently encouraged fans attending a September 25 clash with UCLA to “blackout” Tempe’s Sun Devil Stadium by donning black tees and a number home fans turned up in blackface to boot, at no small embarrassment to the school. On Thursday, ASU stopped short of banning such displays, as the Arizona Republic’s Dianna M. Náñez reports :
After initially delaying action on the most-recent incident, the Athletic Department posted a statement Tuesday on ASU’s website that said: “As an inclusive and forward-thinking university, it is important for us to foster an environment in which everyone feels safe and accepted. Therefore, we discourage the use of face paint at any event, whether the theme is black, maroon, gold or white, and ask our fans to show their Sun Devil Pride in other ways.”
It was unclear Wednesday whether fans showing up at ASU athletic events in face paint would be asked to remove it or be barred entry.
Kevin Galvin, an ASU spokesman, told The Republic that the university had no comment beyond its statements.
A handful of students who wore black face paint when the Sun Devils hosted UCLA said they did so to support ASU.
“I’m trying to help clear up that this is not blackface,” Tim Schodt said. “This is taking face paint and putting it on your face. This is not a terrible misrepresentation of African-Americans. This is a simple football tradition.”
Or as Steve Somers famously refers to him, THE Eddie Scozzare, a WFAN producer/board operator who having cut his teeth providing all manner of analog audio snippets for The Schmoozer’s overnight adventures, now finds himself with the tall task of making Boomer Esiasson and Craig Carton sound good in the digital age (“I don’t know what the life expectancy of an air traffic controller is, but I can’t imagine it’s that long in that job, with people’s lives literally in your hands…obviously if I screw up, no one’s going to die”). From Newsday’s Neil Best :
There likely is no one alive who could figure out Scozzare’s filing system for the audio “drops” he uses to augment WFAN’s “Boomer and Carton” morning show
Scozzare said he uses Suzyn Waldman less often than he used to because listeners enjoy Craig Carton’s impersonation of her so much that “there’s not a need for it.”
How does he keep all this straight?
“I really don’t know the bio-science behind it. It’s just some people can do certain things and they are practiced and trained and it must become part of how their brain works, I guess,” he said. “There are people who can play 50 chess games at once and win, or who can count cards or whatever.
“I just have a skill – and it’s not perfect, by the way. There are many times I don’t think of something or can’t get to the drop in time. And knowing when to pull back and not force it is as important as being able to drop it properly.”
Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis took questions from the local scribes Wednesday as his team prepared for a Sunday visit to Indianapolis, and at one point fielded a question regarding LB Vontaze Burfict, who’s already missed a pair of games this season after concussions in consecutive games to start the season. From the Cincinnati Enquirer’s Paul Dehner Jr. :
Q: Any concern for (Vontaze Burfict) not just as a football player but as a human being given the number of concussions he’s had?
ML: “Well, he had a concussion against Atlanta. That’s that biggest concern that way. You don’t want him to have, you know, but again I coached defenses and linebackers for a long time and concussions didn’t linger. Now we have found that because of the media and things they seem to linger longer. There’s a lot of attention paid to it. I don’t know why they linger longer. I don’t remember them lingering like they do now.”
(NOT COMING TO A RING NEAR YOU : Todd Cruise vs. The Reptoid Jews!)
Via Uproxx’s tireless Brandon Stroud comes news of an alleged attempt at starting a Rochester, NY independent wrestling promotion, NWoR (Novel Wrestling Of Rochester). An ad placed on Craigslist (because where else are you gonna find the bookers of tomorrow?) seeks writing talent willing to work “very much in the style of Vince Russo”, which might be your first (but not your last) hint this thing isn’t for real. The advertisement promises that NWoR “will take on subject matter that, traditionally, has not been fodder for promotions in the past.” The scourge of file-sharing? The precipitous decline of “Law & Order : SVU”? Nope!” I’m referring, of course, to conspiracy theories, and related subjects.” Of course! Here’s some of what they’ve got in mind :
The Evil Lizard Bankers (a tag team based on the Jewish conspiracy theory that the world is controlled by Jews, as well as the idea that they’re really reptoids who are descendants of ancient aliens. They’ll come to the ring with iguana masks on, as well as black hats and grey beards, and they’ll hold money bags with dollar signs on them.)
Dr.s Don and Dan Paul (Parody of Dr.s Ron and Rand Paul. This tag team will be the arch-enemies of the Evil Lizard Bankers.They’ll wrestle in standard wrestling singlets and carry American and Gadsden flags.)
Alex Clones (Parody of Alex Jones. Will talk with a thick Texan drawl. Character will not be that much different than the real Alex Jones. Will wrestle in standard trunks.)
Greg Beck (Parody of Glenn Beck. Mortal enemy of Alex Clones. Character will wear coke bottle glasses, have blonde hair, cry throughout promos, and bring a big chalkboard with him to the ring.)
The Drones (Another tag team. The Drones, Drone #1 and Drone #2 are actually robots. Wrestlers will wear some silver colored, metallic looking costume that looks “robotic.” The Drones will be managed by Barry Bizarro, a parody of Barry Soetoro, i.e. Obama. Barry will carry a big remote control with an antenna, like the kind you’d have for a remote control car. The gimmick will be that Barry is controlling the Drones while they’re wrestling. Barry Bizarro will also do the talking for this tag team.)
David Dike (Parody of David Icke. Will talk with a British accent. Gimmick will be that, every time he goes out to the ring, he’ll try and talk his way out of the match because of his arthritis. When that doesn’t work, he’ll wrestle, then, somehow, he’ll find a moment to put on a magnetic bracelet or tinfoil hat which will give him superpowers, i.e. He’ll “Hulk up” and be able to win the match.
Todd Cruise (Parody of Senator Ted Cruz. Gimmick will be that he gives exceedingly long promos about crazy nonsense that has nothing to do with anything. This is a parody of when Senator Cruz, in September 2013, delivered a twenty one hour speech to filibuster the Senate into defunding ObamaCare. His speech included parts where he read Dr. Seuss books.)
Hollarina (Pronounced as “Holla” and “Rena.” Character is a rapper who wears a pink ballerina leotard and tutu. Not really political. Basically is just a ripoff of John Cena, and maybe Brodus Clay.)
pic courtesy Dangerous Minds.
UFC announcer Mike Goldberg made his NFL play by play debut this past Sunday during Detroit’s 17-3 dispatch of Minnesota, and Mike’s already apologized for his testy replies to no small number of Twitter critics. Just the same, he’ll not be working another pro football contest for Fox in the near future, and SBN’s Sean Yuille points to the reasons why, declaring, “FOX managed to outdo itself on Sunday with the worst broadcast of a football game I have ever witnessed in my life.” Keep in mind, Yuille’s almost certainly familiar with Mike Mayock’s work.
Goldberg and Brendon Ayanbadejo, had no business calling an NFL game, as evidenced by their constant mistakes. They repeatedly misidentified coaches and players — no, Golden Tate and Sam Martin aren’t on the Vikings — and it felt like they did zero preparation for this game. Actually, it felt like they were reading from an error-filled script and had no prior knowledge of either team. It was painful to listen to them on Sunday.
As if the announcing wasn’t bad enough, the camera work and directing were almost as bad. It was like FOX hired a bunch of high schoolers with no experience in TV and said, “Hey, come work this NFL game for us.” I don’t know how such a large company with such a big stake in the success of its NFL coverage can put out such an awful product, but FOX sunk to a new low on Sunday.
On Monday morning, the increasingly sleazy New York Daily News sought to highlight the Giants’ 27 point away loss to an NFC East rival not with calls for Tom Coughlin and Jerry Reese’s head, but with the above front cover, depicting an unidentified Eagles employee rejoicing over WR Victor Cruz’ departure from the contest. Trouble is, the Eagles employee, who prefers not to give his last name, insists that’s not really what happened. From CBS Philadelphia’s Andrew Porter :
“Angelo, I never call the radio,” Charlie told Angelo Cataldi and the 94WIP Morning Show on Monday morning. “I just want to be clear. I don’t want to make it look bad for Philadelphia, especially me. I got to live with myself. It was fourth and two, which is an exciting play, the ball was overthrown and I just reacted like we just stopped them, so I was just cheering. As soon as I saw him [Cruz] hurt, we—everyone stopped cheering. I didn’t cheer for that. And honestly, if anyone in the Philadelphia media followed it, they’ll see me go down to my knee—not with the players, but I’m actually, I said a prayer for him as well. It was terrible. I would never do that.”
“I just wasn’t portrayed right,” Charlie confirmed to CBSPhilly.com. “I’m upset. It just stinks. My email, my texts. I have friends in New York. I have nothing against New York.”
In reality, as soon as Cruz was down the stadium went silent and respect was shown for the star Giants wideout. Some Eagles fans even chanted Cruz’s name as he was carted off a midst a respectful applause.
“I don’t know, again,” Charlie said of the NY Daily News photo and article. “It’s just upsetting to me. That wasn’t me. I’m not cheering that he got hurt.”
In addition to a forthcoming disciplinary hearing for what’s diplomatically dubbed “student code of conduct issues”, Florida State QB / reigning Heisman winner Jameis Winston faces an FSU investigation over whether or not he signed autographers-for-cash for the same firm tied to recently suspended Georgia RB Todd Gurley. After Saturday’s 38-20 defeat of Syracuse, Seminoles head coach Jimbo Fisher expressed frustration with any cynics who believe money changed hands in connection with one company selling 340 authenticated Winston signatures. From the Syracuse Post-Standard’s Chris Carlson :
“Kids sign things all the time,” Fisher said. “So, what do you want them to do, stop signing stuff? We could make them not have any fans from that standpoint and not sign for anybody. That’s what it’s going to come to, and that’s a shame for college football, that somebody exploits a kid. Now, if they’re getting paid for it, then I don’t have any knowledge of that. I don’t believe Jameis did.”