10.15.11

Chicago Weekly Suggests Adam Dunn Isn’t Very Bright, Few Opine Otherwise

Posted in Baseball, non-sporting journalism, politics, The Marketplace at 7:42 pm by

Asked if he was in favor of forgiving student loans, “Adam Dunn” replied to the Chicago Reader’s Steve Bogria, “”Sure, I’d forgive ‘em. I didn’t even know they’d done nothin’ wrong.”  That none of the paper’s readers seem to think there’s anything wrong with this picture either suggests the Onion has deeply desensitized the public…or no one is willing to claim the White Sox’s human windmill is anything but a simpleton.  I know, I know, for parody to be effective it has to contain a kernel of believability, but this is ridiculous.

“It’s tougher than people think, being a one percenter,” Adam Dunn told us this morning. “For starters, you gotta figure out what to do with all that dough, which is stressful.”

The White Sox designated hitter is a bona fide one percenter, and we’re not talking about his batting average. Dunn made $14 million this season, and his contract guarantees him three more years at that rate. “But that’s not net, it’s whachacallit,” he said. “By the time you pay your taxes and your agent, you’re lucky if you walk home with eight mil.”

The Occupy Chicago and Occupy Wall Street protests have condemned the wealthiest one percent of Americans, and have called for reforms that would more equitably distribute the nation’s wealth. Dunn said he’d seen some TV coverage of the protests, but hadn’t followed them closely. A native of Texas, he said he opposed repeal of the Bush tax cuts out of loyalty to fellow Texan Bush. He wanted to consult with his agent before venturing an opinion on eliminating corporate personhood. As for the proposed Buffet rule, Dunn said he wasn’t familiar with the proposal but generally favored buffets.

One Response to “Chicago Weekly Suggests Adam Dunn Isn’t Very Bright, Few Opine Otherwise”

  1. Chris says:

    “For starters, you gotta figure out what to do with all that dough, which is stressful.”

    His PR strategy would indicate that he was better suited for the NBA

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