CSTB’s GREATEST HIT REGURGIATATED (AGAIN) : YOU CANNOT STOP PRO BOWL CHILI, YOU CAN ONLY HOPE TO CONTAIN IT (IN TUPPERWARE)
— NFL Films (@NFLFilms) January 29, 2017
(EDITOR’S NOTE : the following was first posted on February 8, 2004. Since our archives from year one are on permanent vacation — or so it seems
— you’ll just have to take my word for it. No one in their right mind would boast of republishing this recipe on an annual basis for 14 fucking years if it weren’t true . Of course, no one in their right mind would watch a half-sped NFL exhibition game when they can watch Chris Jericho suspended in a cage freedom crumbling before our eyes.
If every person reading this who enjoyed my recipe for Pro Bowl Chili donated $1 to the National Immigration Law Center…the NILC would be in serious trouble. It would be quite remarkable if I could find one person who enjoyed the Pro Bowl Chili and have them donate $5 million, but perhaps it would make sense to address a wider audience. – GC).
Excuse me for having to spell this one out for our European readers. Pro Bowl Sunday is a BIG event for Americans. All over the country, families come together for Pro Bowl Parties. Advertisers pay hundreds of dollars to televise commercials featuring their newest products. Each year on Pro Bowl Sunday, battered womens’ shelters report the number of victims admitted to their care decreases by two percent, testament to the calming nature of the contest . If the NBA All-Star Game is, in the words of Michael Wilbon, Black Thanksgiving, then the Pro Bowl is sort of like Yom Kippur for Gambling Degenerates & Football Obsessives of All Races.
In this household, the Pro Bowl’s importance is matched only by that of the NHL Skills Competition (skate-sharpening, carrying Eric Lindros off the ice) and the entire NASCAR calendar. And with that in mind, here is CSTB’s Award Winning Pro Bowl Chili Recipe :
750 g of Sainsbury Lean Minced Beef
1 jar of Uncle Ben’s Hot Chili
simmer the minced beef in a wok or non-combustible container until brown.
drain the fat in a colander.
remove half the beef and serve to CSTB’s Proofreader (allow some 20 minutes for cooling or you’ll be very very sorry)
put the other half of the beef back in the wok, add the contents of the Uncle Ben’s jar.
go watch NFL Countdown for 30 minutes
serve over a bed of white rice (if you don’t have any white rice, you can always try to cut the taste by swallowing without chewing)
Serves 1 – possibly two if you can get anyone to come over to your house for the Pro Bowl.