09.21.08

Cuburbanite Seeks $1 Trillion And Would Prefer You Didn’t Ask Why

Posted in Baseball, Greedy Motherfuckers at 11:49 pm by

(L to R: Henry Paulson, Lou Piniella.  It looks like Lou’s not falling for it, either.)

“The fans here in New York never seem to amaze me,” said Derek Jeter on camera after tonight’s final game at the Bronx cathedral.  While Mr. November may have misspoke, I can confidently state that here in Chicago, baseball fans take very seriously their duty to drop jaws and boggle minds.

Take Former Goldman Sachs CEO, US Treasury Secretary and Chicago Cubs fan Henry Paulson.  To the shock of nobody, Hank hails from suburban Barrington Hills, Illinois.  Right now, as you may have heard, his pals on Wall Street are in a tough spot, and Hank thinks you should cover them — or else — who knows what will happen?  (Sound of glass figurine “falling” off shelf and breaking.)

It’s not even Monday yet and the original $700 Billion bailout figure is already being revised upward to reach the Big T.  One million million bucks.  Better hurry up and give him what he wants, because apparently Hank’s from a really bad part of Barrington Hills.

Oh, and when you pay up, you don’t get to ask where it goes.  In fact, nobody does, not even a court:

Sec. 8.  Review.

Decisions by the Secretary pursuant to the authority of this Act are non-reviewable and committed to agency discretion, and may not be reviewed by any court of law or any administrative agency.

Do I even have to mention that not one of his Street pals loses a dime on the deal?  Is it going to be news to anybody that the invisible hand of the “free market”‘s busy proctological explorations somehow don’t reach to Winnetka, IL or Fairfield County, CT?

Forgive me for recognizing a class war when I see it.  This season I’ve had a jolly time at the expense of Cub Nation, but things are getting a shade more serious.  It may well be that an accident of birth or a lapse of taste has made you a Cub fan.  But it can no longer be ignored that too many of the people you’re high-fiving would have you killed for food when it comes to that.

2 Responses to “Cuburbanite Seeks $1 Trillion And Would Prefer You Didn’t Ask Why”

  1. Ben Schwartz says:

    Rob – we’re all Sox fans on this one.

    Even noted Recublican George Will went off on the bailout this morning, referring to today, September 21, 2008, as the first day of the Paulson Administration. And he wasn’t kidding. I’ve never seen Will and Donna Brazille this much in accord on anything. Then again, it only took America’s favorite Sox fan, Sen. Obama, a few days to nod along and go with it, too.

  2. kt says:

    the constitutionality of the bailout is being questioned and paulson’s head is being called for. as well it should.

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