09.30.10

Dept. of No Thanks: Cal Ripken Jr. Insists His Meat Will “Melt In Your Mouth”

Posted in Baseball, consumer affairs, Food at 11:21 am by

For Cal Ripken Jr., retirement isn’t all about being rumored to be a Republican candidate for Senate every few. That’s a part of it, of course, but entrepreneurship is a part of it, too. To wit, from what is basically just a press release that appeared in the Baltimore Sun:

Cal Ripken Jr. is teaming with Long Valley, N.J.-based Florio Sports LLC to sell a beef jerky snack, the sports firm announced Wednesday… The snack, which is made from “lean American beef,” according to a news release, will debut at the National Association of Convenience Stores trade show in Atlanta from Tuesday through Friday.

Beef jerky is as American as apple pie, obviously, so seemingly all in good, protein-packed fun. Except that when you visit the promotional site for the food it all goes to hell. First of all, it’s called Ripken Power Shred, which sounds like a non-FDA-approved weightlifting supplement. Second of all, and I can’t emphasize enough just how much this should’ve been first of all, it’s apparently chaw-themed beef. So it looks like chewing tobacco and comes in a little Skoal-ian can, but tastes like liquid smoke or chemical teriyaki and is made of animal. By this point in my life, I know that I will probably never be a vegetarian, but whimsical convenience meats like this — which came from a living thing just as surely as does your grass-fed steak — are a huge bum-out for me. To be fair, though, the writing on the Ripken Power Shred website actually made me feel worse:

Beef Jerky has been a fan-favorite for centuries. Steeped in tradition, people have always loved this compact, savory snack. Well, we’ve just made it even better! Super moist, protein-rich Ripken Power Shred„¢ bursts with intense flavor and, unlike other brands, will melt in your mouth and keep you wanting more. The game has changed. Stay in it!

Good! (Not good!) But let me give it a little punch-up, free of charge:

Since the dawn of time, Beef Jerky (Note: Capital Letters) has been a fan-favorite for centuries (Note: Be more specific!), with pre-Columbian baseball fans especially fond of the evaporated meat straps. Steeped in tradition, people have always loved this compact (Note: clearer!) People who are steeped in tradition have always loved this compact, savory snack portable meat item. Well, we’ve just made it even better! Super moist, protein-rich Ripken Power Shred„¢ bursts with intense flavor and, unlike other brands, will melt in your mouth and keep you wanting more. The game that is jerkied meat has changed. Stay in it!

“Stay in the game when you’re 40 years old and have a .637 OPS” would also work for a kicker, but I thought they did okay at the end. If the folks at Ripken Novelty Meats LLP are looking for someone to write them some website content and add some SEO kick, my rates are reasonable. Also, I’m qualified to write in that sector because, until Brendan Flynn sent me this link a few minutes ago, I wasn’t a vegetarian.

2 Responses to “Dept. of No Thanks: Cal Ripken Jr. Insists His Meat Will “Melt In Your Mouth””

  1. Dave says:

    The worst item purchased while on tour this summer? Definitely a chaw-inspired beef jerky product. I’ll plead a novelty defense on the purchase and desperate road hunger for actually eating the damn stuff in the van. I don’t know what everyone else’s excuses will be.

  2. Patrick says:

    I love Cal Ripken, Jr. and will eat anything that he endorses.

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