(the DP-tastic Jose “My Bloody” Valentin)

…and Shawn Green already has two hits. For those who own Chris Carpenter in three different fantasy leagues, the Mets’ current 5-0 advantage is not an auspicious start. For those who care about the Mets and get kind of queasy just thinking about the Cardinals ring ceremony (hosted by Bob Costas Billy Bob Thornton!), though, it’s kind of gratifying. Also of note is Chris Carpenter’s induction into the Cardinals’ ever-expanding Unfortunate Facial Hair Society. More to come as the game progresses.

Update: The game flies by, doubly so because — as Marc notes in the comments — ESPN’s audio continues to blink out for seconds at a time, thus lessening the Morganity of the broadcast experience. Things have slowed down notably in the eighth, as a Pedro Feliciano walk was followed by Joe Smith’s living-dangerously MLB debut. A genius Valentin-to-Reyes-to-Delgado double play bailed out Grumpy Aaron Heilman to end the threat in the home half of the eighth, though, leaving us six outs — and several obvious Joe Morgan analyses — away from putting this in the books.

Put It In The Books Update: Whatever the opposite of dominant is, that’s Billy Wagner in non-save situations. But while Wagner was not his sharpest in his 2007 debut, he was good enough to retire the B squad of pinch hitters and bottom of the order doofuses the Cardinals barfed out against him. It is a certainty that I’ll regret these words, but: So Taguchi, Scott Spiezio, Yadier Molina, Aaron Miles and Gary Bennett, World Series rings or no, are humps. Even Wagner at his weakest can get three of those five out. And so he did, and so the season begins with a 6-1 Mets win, and Joe Morgan railing against the fake-to-third-throw-to-first move (“I still think that’s a balk”). It’s nice to be back, but it’s nicer with the mute button on.