From The Desk Of Randy L : Sympathy For A Financially Destitute, Terminally Fucked Baseball Franchise
(EDITOR’S NOTE : from time to time, noted baseball executive / consumer rights advocate Randy L. of the Bronx brings his guest editorial chops to CSTB. In the wake of Monday’s terrible news concerning Mets starter Matt Harvey, Randy offered, sorry, demanded an opportunity to address traumatized Mets fans).
OK, for starters, let me be very clear that I am rescinding my earlier trade offer. But if you’re the sort of person who thinks I’d relish an opponent’s misfortune, you don’t know the real Randy L. Sure, I’m a little competitive. Whether I’m gunning for trophies with my world-class Labradors, sending gift-baskets to persons who’ve written unsolicited, favorable Yelp reviews for NYY Steak (HINT, HINT) or playing the office game, “See Who Can Look Thru Cashman’s Browser History The Longest Without Vomiting” (I’m up to ten minutes — and it isn’t easy), I don’t like to lose. But on a terrible day like today, we’re no longer a city of Yankee fans and Mets fans. We’re a city of New York baseball fans, bonded in our concern for a tremendous young talent.
Admittedly, I’ve disparaged Fred and Jeff Wilpon in the past, but I am certain they’re tearing themselves up over what’s happened to Matt Harvey. They’re probably asking themselves, should they have continued to parade Harvey in front of sparse crowds during meaningless games in the hopes of making payroll? Should the Mets have employed a medical staff with some proper credentials, rather than diplomas from institutions like the one portrayed in this classic film? And should the Mets have simply accepted my all-too generous trade offer when it was still on the table?
Fred and Jeff, take it from me. Nobody ever won in the game of life by playing the “shoulda” game. For starters, they’re two entirely different games. That would be like winning the Westminster Kennel Club Best Labrador Trophy while competing in a spelling bee. It’s just not gonna happen.
Instead, I think the Wilpons and their nearly-invisible fan base are best advised to concentrate on the future. With time and effort, Matt Harvey might somehow recover from this ghastly injury, much the way our own Joba Chamberlain showed genuine courage in returning to the lineup. With luck, Harvey might someday scale the heights that saw him start this past Summer’s All-Star Game. You know, the one where he committed felonious assault against Robinson Cano.
CAN YOU MOTHERFUCKERS SAY “KARMIC PAYBACK”?
Denied the services of this murderous thug, the stench of the Mets’ extended 2013 garbage time ought to be overwhelming, but let’s think about what’s really important here. At least Flushing is a little bit safer, and isn’t that really a bigger deal than a contraction-candidate’s desperate attempts to stay solvent? Who amongst us would put the battle for 4th place in the NL East ahead of the health and safety of our fellow New Yorkers?