08.05.13

From The Desk Of Randy L. : The Commissioner Of Baseball Is Much Smarter Than He Looks

Posted in Baseball at 11:49 pm by

(EDITOR’S NOTE : From time to time, noted baseball executive / consumer rights advocate Randy L. of the Bronx visits CSTB to offer his observations on the events of the day. In the wake of today’s Biogenesis-related MLB suspensions Randy offered, no, he insisted, on dropping some wisdom – GC)

To The Yankee Universe and Baseball Fans Everywhere,

I dearly wish I was writing to you under more pleasant circumstances. Say for instance, one of my Labradors winning a prize at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show. An unveiling of F.C. New York‘s new home and away jerseys. Perhaps a grand ceremony at that baseball temple otherwise known as The New Yankee Stadium to celebrate Marino Rivera’s final appearance. Or, maybe a certain radio broadcaster with the initials “J.S.” announcing he’d be taking an sabbatical while contending with an unsavory “sexting” scandal.

Alas, none of those things have happened today. Instead, it is a grim occasion for the game we all love so much, and we’re forced to confront the stark reality that a young man we’ve watched grow up before our eyes, a player who showed so much promise, has betrayed his teammates, his young fans, and most importantly, the team president who signs his checks.

But enough about Francisco Cervelli. Instead, I’d like to talk to you about the controversy surrounding our 38-year-old third baseman, Alex Rodriguez. As you’ve probably heard elsewhere, Rodriguez is facing a 211 game suspension for offenses that must be pretty serious considering all the shit Roger Clemens and Barry Bonds got away with while not missing a paycheck. You’ll note I’m not specifying what A-Rod’s guilty of because I’ve had nothing to do with the investigation. I know Alex is very emotional under so much scrutiny, and naturally, he’s going to lash out at enemies real or imagined. But I cannot stress strongly enough, neither I nor the New York Yankees have brought any pressure to bear on MLB nor have we paid money to acquire photographs or video that might prove incriminating to Mr. Rodriguez.

Some have implied that we’d like to avoid our contractual obligations to A-Rod by any means necessary. To these self-styled experts and internet tough guys, I say, do you have any idea how pathetic you look, questioning the integrity of professional sports’ most successful franchise? Did we shirk from our responsibilities towards Kei Igawa? Do you remember the Yankees conspiring to force Kevin Brown into retirement? Did this team employ one of the saddest sacks of all-time to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield?

OK, we did actually pay one of the saddest sacks of all-time to dig up dirt on Dave Winfield. But that was a very long time ago. And in the modern era, we’re 100% confident in the abilities of our Commissioner Bud Selig, a man whose judgement is in no way influenced by the fact he’s being paid $22 million a year by ourselves and 29 other ballclubs. He’s presided over this A-Rod mess like a modern day Henry Kissinger or King Solomon. I’m not just saying that because he proposed having Rodriguez bombed or cut in half.

I’m kidding of course. People who know me understand that I like to ease the tension with a little joke. I believe it was that great entertainer Artie Lange, who once said, “to be more like Babe Ruth, before the playoffs last year, A-Rod went to a hospital and promised a dying kid that he would ground out to second for him.” Poignant stuff, I’m sure you’ll agree, and while there are dying kids who might not get to see Rodriguez choke in future postseasons, at least they’ll be able to relive his most memorable career moments on a future episode of “Yankeography” or via a multi-disc DVD set we hope to produce in time for the holidays. All of A-Rod’s greatest hits will be included ; slapping the ball out of Bronson Arroyo’s glove, the opting-out, the Katie Couric interview, the Peter Gammons interview, the making-of-the-Peter-Gammons-interview, etc.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to solemnly reflect on this dark day in Yankee history (in a jacuzzi filled with Cristal Brut 1990 Methuselah).

In Bud We Trust,

Randy L.

One Response to “From The Desk Of Randy L. : The Commissioner Of Baseball Is Much Smarter Than He Looks”

  1. Dale SMith says:

    Why won’t you kick players out that use an illegal drug forever? This is worse someone who gambled. Please help me understand. Don’t give me your po ok itical answer. Hust the truth.

    Thank-you.

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