03.06.14

From The Desk Of Randy Levine : An Appreciation Of Chelsea Handler’s Handling Of A-Rod

Posted in Baseball, The World Of Entertainment at 8:39 pm by

(Editor’s Note : From time to time, CSTB is blessed with the observations of noted Bronx, NY baseball executive Randy L.  Upon hearing of comedian/author Chelsea Handler’s recent critical remarks directed at suspended New York Yankees 3B Alex Rodriguez, Randy asked, no, he insisted on weighing in – GC)

As Spring Training commences here in Tampa, I’m well aware that many members of our organization enjoy healthy, consensual relationships with other adults. What John  Sterling gets up to in his own time is not necessarily illegal, and while our General Manager has caused us no shortage of embarrassment with his zipper problems the last several years, as I’ve already explained in this very space, we’ve got that matter well under control.

When it comes to a certain member of the Yankee universe who is currently banned from donning our uniform, visiting our clubhouse or making use of training facilities for roughly one calendar year, however, I am sorry to say that I am not in a position to police Alex Rodriguez’ carnal desires.  His pathetic attempts to chat up the lovely and talented Ms. Handler were as awkward to read about as they were highly surprising (for one thing, she doesn’t look like Lex Luger with Farah-hair).

Still, while it pained me to see this world-class franchise dragged thru the mud on yet another occasion by a preening, supercilious boor, it was hard to take issue with Chelsea’s savvy assessment :

“Just the way he conducts himself,” Handler said. “He’s got a centaur of himself in his bedroom. Yeah, him and a horse, combined as one person … Plus he dates all these girls, he just sleeps around. I don’t like guys who cheat on their girlfriends, you know? I’m not into that.”

Bravo. You know who else isn’t into that? Randy L., that’s who. Leave the species-splicing to the experts, that’s what I’ve been saying for years. And fidelity, genuine, deep fidelity against all encroachments (Jacoby Ellsbury in a towel on Family Day, a Jacoby Ellsbury screensaver on your wife’s laptop, your wife serving soup made from Jacoby Ellsbury’s underwear for your anniversary dinner) is what our civilization is based upon. If we were all just a bunch of grunting, stupid animals attempting to mate with every creature whose stench met our fancy, the Cleveland Police Department would constantly be issuing APB’s for people meeting the description of Nick Swisher.

With a little more than a month standing between us and our quest for a 28th World Championship, let this latest unsavory incident between Alex Rodriguez and Chelsea Handler serve a as learning lesson for the dozens of young prospects attending our training camp; keep it in your pants, gentlemen, or I might be compelled to put it back for you.

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