10.10.13

Ghost Social Networking Is No Job For An Adult…

Posted in Football, The Internet, The Marketplace at 10:05 pm by

…but if you’re young, Australian and really hard up, Gumtree account holder Nathan is offering $150 (AU) and what he optimistically calls, “an enormous opportunity for ago-getter to receive great experience in the art of football banter, while building contacts in the football fan underworld.”

I’m looking for an intelligent, insightful young man (preferably a law student) with an excellent command of English and a wide knowledge of football, particularly of Arsenal Football Club.

This role requires the successful applicant to wake up at 4.30am on Champions League Matchdays and post insightful commentary and engage in banter in a private Facebook group of Football enthusiasts on my behalf.

As I have a busy work and social life, I cannot arise before 7am as I must catch up on my beauty sleep. However I also cannot allow my reputation as an intelligent football fan to fall by the wayside.

If you are successful in your pursuit of the job, you will receive a style guide which contains a selection of “Dinoisms” (common phrases and standard vernacular I utilise) which must be used when posting or engaging in banter with specified targets.

The successful applicant may also be trained to engage in strategic flirting and mind games with several females via the Facebook Messenger application.

The successful applicant may also be required to troll specific football identities on Twitter, namely Andrew Orsatti, Mark Bosnich and John Cross. You will also be expected to attend weekly team meetings with my brother and I to brainstorm ideas for attack posts, photoshopping and general group slander. You will also undergo a three-day drilling to test your quick-wit and banter skills.

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