02.01.07

Jackie Christie, The Rumors Are True : Simers On The Return Of The Planet’s Most Whipped Man

Posted in Basketball, History's Great Hook-Ups at 3:22 pm by

In what can only be described as the greatest news possible for hoops bloggers hoping to increase traffic over the next week, Doug Christie has signed a 10 day contract with the Clippers, which provides the LA Times’ T.J. Simers with no shortage of cheap yucks.

Jackie Christie will be hopping aboard the team’s charter today to begin a seven-game trip, and while that might be news to the team, it was nothing compared to what I told Donald Sterling at halftime.

It seems no one mentioned, “The Christie’s Uncut,” a movie made by Doug and Jackie, starring Doug and Jackie. I caught a little bit of it earlier in the day and did my best to describe the opening scene to Sterling.

“OK, so there’s this white furry bunny on the bed,” I told Sterling, “and Doug is just in his underpants, a dog collar around his neck, and his wife ” dressed like a maid who has more on her mind than making the bed ” is pulling Doug by a dog leash and repeatedly whipping him, while he’s yelling, ‘again, again, again.’ ”

I wonder if they’ll pop in the movie, 1,800 of which have already been sold for $19.95 each, on the team plane as it makes its way to Boston.

Then I explained to Sterling he ought to take a look at his newest acquisition at the start of the second half, who would be sitting on the bench.

“Watch him,” I explained. “Christie will take his right hand, tap his forehead, his nose, kiss his hand, drop it and then raise his left arm and hand, the hand with the “Infinite Love” tattoo on it, and then make a hook ‘em horn-like signal, telling his wife that he loves her.

“He did this 13 times in the first six minutes while sitting on the bench, and at that rate,” I told Sterling, “he’ll do it more than 100 times tonight, so at least his wife will be getting her money’s worth out of the guy.”

Sterling appeared bewildered ” more than usual.

“Is this all true?” he said, while turning to the team’s vice president of communications, and I think I know the next movie Sterling will be watching.

Uh, how shocked could he really be? Something tells me the Clippers’ Owner With A Boner might have made a couple of indie videos of his own over the years.

(finally, a proper use for that vintage Penny jersey)

The Orlando Sun Sentinel’s Brian Schmitz reports they’ve taken to wearing “Fire Brian Hill” t-shirts at Magic games. In advance of two potential Eastern Conference coaching changes, the Daily News’ Frank Isola suggests Isiah Thomas’ recent verbal smoochiness towards Detroit is a pathetic attempt (my words, not Frank’s) to lobby for Flip Saunders’ gig when and if both men find themselves jobless.

While the Celtics dropped their 13th in a row last night to the Lakers, the Fanhouse’s Nate Jones takes note of all the Kobe Love happening in Boston. So much for “Beat L.A.”, right?

And Bostonian’s aren’t alone. Bryant’s mainstream appeal has survived his running Shaq out of L.A. and his all-purpose asshole demeanor, and his career seems no worse for wear after the events in Eagle County. I attended a Lakers/Knicks game at MSG in late ’03 and was struck by a number of “Kobe, We Still Love You Signs” girls were carrying around. Literally, I mean. Sometimes I experience dizziness and sudden blackouts and my lawyer says I shouldn’t write about it until the legal action with Cablevision is resolved.

One Response to “Jackie Christie, The Rumors Are True : Simers On The Return Of The Planet’s Most Whipped Man”

  1. I.M. Forme says:

    kobe bryant the rapist? that kobe?

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