02.12.05

Just A Friend

Posted in Blogged Down at 10:47 am by

Biz Markie was 100% right when he said to steer clear of girls who have “a friend”, but he would’ve offered equally sage advice had he told his loyal fans to beware of girls who just want to be a friend.

And at the end of the day, which is a greater sign of desperation, an aging music industry vet collecting “friends” via a trendy social networking website, or howls of protest from someone at not being included?

shouldn’t gerard be holed up in a room somewhere, penning his sports blog and searching for the next great band like the arsonists or prosaics (actually, scratch that last one)? this is why the internet is sort of lost on his age demo, and why he should probably confer with one of his fellow myspacers, preferably a 15 year old with a fuse haircut in a child size t-shirt– because the internet is about showing how many friends you have, not what quality-over-quantity friends you have, because nobody gives a shit.

Yes, nobody gives a shit. Unless you’re eager to make a name for yourself, in which case this is kind of like winning the lottery (albiet the $10 prize, not the rollover). SB, had your friend actually been a 15 year old with a fuse haircut and a child size t-shirt, we’d not be having this discussion. And that’s really the most constructive advice I can give to those eager hopefuls trying to get past the virtual velvet rope that is my friends list at myspace. Come back when you’re a 15 year old with a fuse haircut in a child size t-shirt.


(the Biz registers his disapproval at the treatment of your correspondent, along with disappointment at the way his best-known song has been appropriated).

30 Responses to “Just A Friend”

  1. Jesper says:

    if nobody gives a shit like this moron claims, why does he know what you’re up to in the first place and why does he feel the need to comment?? hypocritical pillock!

    A certain Mr Longo once had the misfortune of working at a fastfood place in scenic Newark, but at least he had the honor of serving the great BIZ a cheeseburger (the great man asked Longo to ‘put another cheese on that jammy’)

  2. kt says:

    ‘put another cheese on that jammy’

    this is most definitely making it’s way into my all-purpose catchphrase rotation.

  3. ugarte says:

    Maybe I’m crazy, but at some point in the exchange with the intern-from-hell, wouldn’t it have been wise to say hey, so can I send you a demo so you wouldn’t have never heard us?

    I’m not saying you would have had to listen to it, but isn’t that the sort of thing you should do if you have a tenuous connection to someone who you want to listen to your band?

  4. CSTB says:

    well, yes and no. I generally try to discourage anyone from sending demos (there are far too many piled up and they don’t really figure in the way we learn about bands). And in this instance, the band in question is more of a concept (apologies if I’ve gotten that one wrong). I think I would’ve had no problem signing up Teeter-the-human if she’d just said her name and not played the whole “i wuz your intern” / “here’s my band” card.

  5. CSTB says:

    from Jessica Hopper’s Tinyabstractdynamics

    “I THOUGHT GERARD COSLOY WOULD BE FUNNIER

    But, perhaps, it’s all the rotisserie chicken he allegedly eats — animal trans fats really slow down the brain, which would keep someone from being able to come up with decent snaps, though I have to say Teets is really quick on the draw and also, like most people I know, brustles under male authority. Secondly, it makes perfect sense that Mister Cosloy is really about a truthful, pristine myspace.com account. What a piddley backpeddling implausible excuse! You run Matador, which means not only are you rich-furr-life, but nerdy teenagers, real adults AND Interpol Carlos D. (the Paris Hilton of the white-rock ghetto) — all of those think yr an alright dude, possibly even cool. I cannot gather whether or not yr cool, as yr blog is a bullet point editon of The Sporting News, which may or may not be really about sports and might just be some secret tome about Mark Ibold’s great new psyche band Cam’Ron’s Foreskin .

    And my third point (already!) is that, and nothing personal here Gerard – really, but you know fuck anyone who is not genuinely and exubberantly thankful to even marginally productive interns, even the annoying ones. Interns make the entire music industry run. Imagine how much more Catpower or Nelly or Shipping News albums would cost if those labels had to be paying the amount of people it takes for their time to collate, fold, staple, insert, pack up, stamp and address those promotional mailings? CDs would cost like 42$, even at Sam’s Club. People, Kids – Kids! who are in the best years of their lives, when they still look good and thier livers work and they still have hope and ideals — they are down to work for free doing the most goddawful work you can imagine, in exchange for free cds, or “experience” — or more often than not, because they have a fundamental respect for what your company is doing and want to help you, help your artists. I mean, it’s not as noble as working with lepers, but depending on what intership and what conditions, we’re awfully close… so, hey, if you have an intern, even if they are stupid and annoying, be good to them because they are doing you they favor much more so that you them, even if you are the busiest, coolest, most elite person ever. Even if you are the jehovah of myspace.com!”

    ahem.

    1) I’ve never had rotisserie chicken (though I’m willing to try it)

    2) “You run Matador, which means not only are you rich-furr-life”

    how do you figure that? I mean really, not that my bank balance is your business or anyone else’s, but how are you so certain that I’m loaded, and why should that make any difference in how I deal with correspondence?

    3) “yr blog is a bullet point editon of The Sporting News”

    How so? I mean, since you’re obviously very familiar with both, that shouldn’t be a hard statement to back up. Admittedly, what I’m doing with CSTB isn’t nearly as spectacular as hearing about your day or your pazz & jop ballot (seriously!), but I’m aiming for something a little less ambitious.

    4) “fuck anyone who is not genuinely and exubberantly thankful to even marginally productive interns, even the annoying ones”

    yeah, and fuck anyone who says I’m NOT genuinely thankful, gracious, helpful, etc. to interns, productive and/or annoying, whatever. I think I’ve always shown gratitude and respect towards the unpaid slave help (at least those that bother to introduce themselves) and have never in my life asked someone to run errands for me, fetch coffee, etc. If another guy in the company, has a bunch of interns, that’s great. But there are a ton of ‘em….and I’m not in even that building!

    How many of Matador’s current staff do you think got their start as interns at the label? How many of the people RUNNING the label do think were interns themselves once upon a time?

    I totally get that the vast majority of our interns want to help our bands and our label. That’s why I’ve always strived to treat them like human beings, with actual names, ideas, opinions, etc. None of that has anything to do with someone sending me a myspace friend request for a (ficticious) band I’ve never heard of and instead of following it with some note of explanation (ie. “hi, remember me, I’m so and so, I look forward to trashing you in my blog, etc.”), pulling some tired “who needs your label anyway?” routine.

    If I’ve gotta check OK next to every person who says they were an intern, ex-employee, friend of a friend, etc. it just gets kind of ridiculous. ‘Cause some of ‘em weren’t any such thing. And it wasn’t as though Teeter (who didn’t id herself until after her band’s request was rejected) was writing to the Matador label myspace page, she did so to me directly. If I’m indeed, “the busiest, coolest, most elite person ever”, why would I have bothered to write back?

    If you think I’m being a little precious about the myspace thing, that’s fair enough. But no more or less precious so than someone flipping out that their gag messages didn’t get the desired response. And there’s nothing elitist about it — a cursory glance at the motley collection of “friends” at my personal myspace page will reveal that they are a considerably less connected, glamorous lot than say, the blogs you choose to link to or the select scenesters who frequently feature in yours. But of course, I shouldn’t mind being held to some wack standard of inclusiveness, because I’m rich-furr-life, run Matador, etc.

    If you feel comfortable passing judgement on me based on what I genuinely meant to be polite replies to Teeter, you are welcome to do so. But you’re still full of shit.

  6. Dale Jr. says:

    If CSTB is “a bullet point edition of The Sporting News”, where are all the NASCAR items?

  7. Dirty Bomber says:

    as a former Matador intern on Gerard’s myspace friends list, I gotta say, this whole “controversy” sure is funny (though maybe not for Gerard). Some people need new (better) hobbies.

  8. CSTB says:

    DB.,

    I seem to recall that you, too, brustled (?) under male authority. Or maybe that was a hair brush.

    re : New hobbies. Chris Lombardi sent me a remote control helicopter for my birthday. Time to re-enact Stevie Ray Vaughn’s final moments!

  9. Tommy Hoops says:

    People like ‘Tweeter’ are the kind of people who give cities a bad name.

    TH

  10. CSTB says:

    since Jessica Hopper has no ethical problem in publishing excerpts from a letter I wrote to her earlier today (http://tiny.abstractdynamics.org/archives/004991.html), I don’t feel too bad about passing along the following note from Ms. Hopper that arrived late Saturday night, just prior to seeing portions of my letter on her blog.

    “Gerard,
    Thank you for your response. I thought the whole exchange was funny, and even thought you had the last word, and I understood your point re: just not wanting to tether your myspace page to some nebulous thing, but I just did not understand why it would be such a big deal.

    Obviously, it struck a nerve enough that you feel the need to defend and attack, which is too bad, cos it’s just good old fashion teasing people you don’t know via the internet.

    Yrs truly,
    JH”

    So there you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Not only have I provided Jessica with some sorely needed new content today (hey, those who aren’t just cutting and pasting from the Sporting News don’t have it so easy), but she has a valuable message we can all learn from : the next time someone you don’t know is an accessory to character assassination, by all means DON’T WRITE THEM AN ANGRY LETTER. For one thing, they might not put the best part on their blog, you know, the one that fully explains your point of view. For another thing… chill out, man! We’re all just kidding around!

  11. Howard Rubenstein says:

    “nerdy teenagers, real adults AND Interpol Carlos D. (the Paris Hilton of the white-rock ghetto) – all of those think yr an alright dude, possibly even cool.”

    What about the women of indie rock publicity, don’t you get any love from them?

  12. CSTB says:

    HR –

    Not for some time, no.

    Curiously, Ms. Hopper, showing that her perspective is matched only by her sense of fairness, has taken the unusual step of having edited the above reply (above) even further — so that all that now remains is a vehement denial of rositierre chicken devouring. (http://tiny.abstractdynamics.org/archives/004991.html)

    You can compare to the earlier version here : http://64.233.167.104/search?q=cache:y2W65bjdgqAJ:tiny.abstractdynamics.org/archives/2005_02.html+tinylucky+mailbag+Gerard&hl=en.

    I’m not a big fan of tap dancing, but that’s some impressive routine she’s got going.

    (Addendum : the full reply is now, magically, back up. Let freedom ring, etc. )

  13. CSTB says:

    Though commenting on my own comment is so very Stigliano (and I only mean that in a good way), there is one last thing (hopefully) to add :

    http://tiny.abstractdynamics.org/archives/005004.html

    Guess who sent me 7 individual emails in a day and half? Hang on….Jessica Hopper, winner of the 2005 CSTB Award For The Person Most Likely To Dish It Out (yet not as happy taking it ).

    In the unlikely event Phil Mushnick were to ring up, write or show up at my doorstep, I wouldn’t be thrilled, but I wouldn’t wonder why. On multiple occasions, I’ve described him as a hypocrite, a bore, made fun of his beard and worse. I could hem and haw about how this was “just a joke” (which I think I actually did the time AJ Benza threatend to “come on down and rearrange your fucking office”) , but like it or not, he’d have a right to defend himself. As does anyone who is so thoroughly trashed.

    I can’t think of anything more disengenious than mocking someone for making a big deal out of something that you’ve made a big deal about yourself.

  14. Teeter Sperber, Primary Offender says:

    GC –

    No disrespext intended, but yr blog is hella insular and boooo – ing!
    Since you felt the need to post to me and Lady SB Gee Cheeze Whiz, we’ve taken the liberty of hitting you back via postery on Fuck You Pay Me, yr one stop mean spirited teasing shop. Nearly silent former intern overthrow! If we are indeed worthy enuff fer you to read, pop on yr bifocals and git cracking seeing as it’s a manifesto and a half. That would mean I could fly and shit.

    xoxo Yr not friend, and pesky waking nightmare! TS!

  15. CSTB says:

    TS,
    your latest missive (and that of SB) were noted, savoured like so much greasy chicken, and replied to earlier today.

    As far as CSTB being insular is concerned, case fucking closed. It’s just one non-stop circle jerk around here, comments about people, places and things THAT NOBODY HAS EVER HEARD OF. And the boring part, hey, I’ll tell you the same thing I told my parents after showing them Jon Spencer’s vintage “Shithaus” short. If you’re not into it, go look at something else.

  16. Matthew says:

    Not taking sides, but Teeter calling this blog insular is some real pop/kettle blackness action.

  17. CSTB says:

    Matthew,

    there’s no need to go racial on this.

    GC

  18. Teeter Sperber, Primary Offendress of AWESOMENESS. says:

    No one can deny that my blog is an effin riot act that is incredibly difficult to follow. I’ve been told it makes people dizzy. I am getting really tired of sparring over the net – J. Ho implored me to stop and letcha get back to yr ‘Over The Hill – A+R after 30′ labels head roundtable. Grey suits for everyone!
    Luv me some of this: Well said, Pony TITR, Well said.
    http://nervousacid.typepad.com/daily/2005/02/myspace_war.html

    xo Pony1

  19. Angela says:

    Women pushing 30 pretending they are 12 is “the new regime”?

  20. Matthew says:

    Err, pot/kettle.

  21. Ben says:

    I’m a former intern and employee of Matador who remembers both Ms. Sperber’s and Mr. Cosloy’s hard work but only have heard one of their bands. To say either party is sexist or elitist goes against the very definition of those terms, To say, like most office spaces, both were pretty damn busy in the office doing their jobs, and thereby lacked sufficient opportunity to socialize, much less with each other, may be closer to the mark.

  22. Mark Ibold says:

    I can understand why this is sticking in your craw so much, G. You have come up against a woman who has as much spirit as you do! I can see the humour in it, in these women and their casual disdain and fiesty internet fun, and I can also see why you would struggle to find it funny, especially since some of it was coming from a blog you like (or perhaps, now “liked”). I saw Chris and Britt out the other morning, and they mentioned all of this, so I thought I would check in and say don’t let it get you down! The internet is a tough place and indie rock is even tougher! Take care, man.

  23. CSTB says:

    Ben,
    had it not been for your problems with male authority, there is no telling how far you would’ve risen ; VP of Chicken Acquisition, perhaps? In any event, your contributions to musical discourse are vast and we’ll forever be grateful to have been associated with you.

  24. CSTB says:

    Mark, as always, you’re a gentleman and a friend. Your comments are very much appreciated. Teeter & SB’s posts _were_ funny, at least when the former wasn’t throwing in gratuitious remarks about other people who never messed with her. I took greater offense to JH’s screed because I thought the whole rich label guy being a dick to interns thing was more than an unfair characterization. It was a caricature from someone who knows me about as well as I know her. Which is to say not at all.

    I thought my posts were funny, too, but I know we all don’t share the same sense of humor. The internet is tough, indie rock is tougher, but the toughest place of all is Staten Island. I salute you and S.I., seperately.

    GC

  25. Dirty Bomber says:

    now that I think of it, I did have to carry a shitload of promos to the Prince Street p.o. in super-hot August heat. But that was because the UPS workers were on strike that summer. Huh.

  26. steve albini says:

    Reminds me of a similarly headspinning bit of correspondence-made-public I had with some publicist/promo-fanzine cunt a while ago. It seems to be a pattern: They ask you for something, you decline as civilly as is your norm, and then the spurned party goes apeshit, making a big deal out of something by accusing you of making a big deal of it.

    It used to happen by fax, as in the infamous johan/thurston fax war, but blogging uses less paper and toner, and doesn’t require speed-dial updating. Ah, progress.

  27. beedlebaum says:

    Mr Albini, please add my band to your friendster account.

  28. MZ says:

    How odd… my friend Zack just posted something alerting us of this controversy… and describing his recent run-in with none other than BIZ MARKIE… all of which is directly above my boyfriend’s raving about Matador releases circa 1995. (Feel free to scare him about the 18th Dye mp3s).
    http://soidisantra.typepad.com/soi_disantra/

  29. Phil Jackson says:

    Industry insiders illustrate ineptitude inevitably.

  30. Phil Jackson says:

    I forgot insipid and invariably.

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