05.21.12

Manny Ramirez’ Tourist Guide To Round Rock, TX

Posted in Baseball, Tourism at 2:24 pm by

(possibly the only Manny who’d find himself less welcome in Round Rock, TX)

If a few hundred more fans than usual fill the stands at the Round Rock Express’ Dell Diamond tonight, it might have something to do with the presence of Manny Ramirez in the starting lineup for the visiting Sacramento River Cats (PCL, AAA).  Ramirez, preparing to make his Oakland A’s debut after serving a 50 game suspension for PED usage, is not unaccustomed to enjoying the minor league experience. Since he’ll be spending a few days in Williamson County — just a stone’s throw (well, 35 minutes in shitty traffic) from CSTB HQ —- I thought it might be proper to offer some guidance on the amazing cultural hotbed that is Round Rock.

1) HEB PLUS.

This is the biggest supermarket I’ve ever visited.  They’ve got an impressive “ethnic foods” department, so if Manny needs to stock up on matzoh, he’s in luck.

PROS :  Fully stocked pharmacy, open til 9pm
CONS : If Manny’s wearing a hoodie, he might get shot.

2) Little Red Wagon Burgers

LRW is almost certainly one of the region’s top 250 burger establishments, and compared to the fare on offer at the Dell Diamond, Manny is far less likely to encounter food poisoning.

PROS : Several 2-3 star reviews on Yelp.  Withing walking distance from HEB Plus’ pharmacy.
CONS : if Manny is seen leaving the establishment wearing a hoodie, he might be shot.

3)  Ikea.

Manny will be spending a lot of time at the Emeryville, CA location, but what better way to get an early start on picking out new furniture than in the relatively calm shopping environment of the Round Rock Ikea?

PROS : Within walking distance of the Round Rock Factory Outlets
CONS : Pretty good chance Manny is getting tased in the parking lot, hoodie or not.

4) Terravista Golf Club

Chances are, Manny’s already made plans to take his River Kings teammates out for an afternoon on the links.

PROS : “This 18 hole Clifton-Ezell-Clifton design has captured the hill country beauty with views that reach 30 miles to the west. The rolling hills provide a challenging 7,200-yard layout whose 5 different tees will challenge golfers of all ages and abilities. ”
CONS : Are you kidding?  They’ve got snipers on the clubhouse roof, ready and waiting.

5) Guided tour of the SST Warehouse in nearby Taylor, TX

I realize basketball is more up Greg Ginn’s alley, but I’d like to think one deeply misunderstood icon would welcome another with open arms. And perhaps Manny can snag a copy of B’last’s ‘Take The Manic Ride’?

PROS : Having earned more than $200 million in his baseball career, Ramirez might be looking to diversify his portfolio. And what could be a better investment than SST’s exciting new projects?
CONS : Have you heard B’last’s ‘Take The Manic Ride’?

And that’s pretty much it.  Once upon a time, Manny could’ve sought out free wifi at Sandoro’s Coffeehouse & Cafe, but that’s no longer an option.

2 Responses to “Manny Ramirez’ Tourist Guide To Round Rock, TX”

  1. What follows, unbelievably, is a true story: I went into that HEB PLus once, for some odd reason which I cannot remember or explain right now, looking for Hummus. When I couldn’t find it, I asked one of the helpful HEB Plus employees, “Pardon me, could you tell me where I could find Hummas?”. “Hummahh??!?”, responded the employee. “Yes, Hummus… you know… mashed chickpeas? It’s a spread?”, I said to the dead eyes looking back at me. “Hummaaahhh?!?? We don’t have Hummahhh.”, responded the worker. Needless to say, I walked out empty-handed after being told that they didn’t carry hummus, which I believed, because IT’S FUCKING ROUND ROCK, TEXAS. Matzoh? Not a fucking chance, trust me. Besides, from the ballpark, ManRam would have to drive *past* the Taco Bueno to get to the HEB Plus anyways. The choice is in the cards.

  2. GC says:

    next time we’re out there, Mark, I’ll show you where the ethnic foods aisle is (hint : about 22 miles south of wherever you were standing).

    If I’ve made it sound like that stretch of Sam Bass Road is less than cosmopolitan, in fairness, there IS a Panda Express in the same shopping center as the HEB Plus.

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