March 19 In Austin : We Might Have Found A Suitable Replacement For Rusted Shut

Posted in 12XU, Austin, Internal Affairs, record collector disease, Rock Und Roll, South By Suck Off at 9:00 am by

At one time one of the nation’s 40 or so most popular sports blogs, Can’t Stop The Bleeding celebrates 12 years of cutting, pasting and quoting out context (along with dramatic downturns in traffic & advertising revenues), with a 7th annual (!), not-at-all-affiilated with SXSW free event. Past participants have included such superstars as the Homosexuals, Protomartyr, the Muffs, TV Ghost, Tyvek, Endless Boogie, Spray Paint, The Gotobeds, Wiccans, Wounded Lion, The Young, Apache Dropout and many others who used this particular event as a launching pad….to play additional shows no one paid them to play.

(What can I tell you, times are tough.)
2015′s Participants include :

Complete (Fort Worth, TX)

Often called “the only band that matters”, or simply “the greatest of all time”, this legendary ensemble — widely considered responsible for the popularity of YouTube — will be traveling with their long awaited new album, ‘Beginning Of A New Era’ in tow.

Uniform (NYC)

An equal parts punishing/thrilling new duo featuring Ben Greenberg (Hubble, Pygmy Shrews, The Men) and Michael Berdan (York Factory Complaint, Drunkdriver, Believer/Law). Following a debut 12″ last autumn on Beggars Tomb, Uniform’s first album, ‘Perfect World’ is coming via 12XU later this year.

USA / MEXICO (Austin, TX)

A newish trio featuring Craig Clouse (Shit & Shine), King Coffey (Butthole Surfers, Rubble) and Owen McMahon (Cherubs). They’re not played that many times yet, so there’s no reason to pretend you’re sick of them.


Andrew Earles recently dubbed Abe White’s wrecking crew, “depravo-core creators” and I’d call that sticker copy (if i was in the business of copying stickers). ‘Sit n Spin’ (Pelican Pow Wow Records) followed a serious winning streak of 7″‘s, but if you’ve not seen this band before, get some (extra) padding for the back of your head.

XETAS (Austin, TX)

This hotly tipped Austin trio have obliterated room after room in their short existence, with their sole 7″ to date receiving high praise from sources as disparate as MRR and The Wire. Their Ian Rundell-recorded LP debut, ‘The Redeemer’, emerges on 12XU just a few weeks before this show.

Yes I’m Leaving (Sydney, Australia)

Pushed in our cowering faces by the same awesome label responsible for Cuntz, Bits Of Shit and Deaf Wish’s earliest stuff, Yes I’m Leaving compensate for an unwieldy name by recalling some of the more sterling moments in the Scratch Acid, Big Black and Lubricated Goat catalogs. If some or all of the above aren’t in your wheelhouse, there’s probably something else you’ll enjoy elsewhere in the neighborhood.

Injuries (Austin TX)

A rather guttural, determined guitar/drums duo who’ve recently been taken under the recording wing of Dikes/Spray Paint fixture Chris Stephenson. Their resulting 5 song demo (Drug Front) is the kinda thing most scene vets are unlikely to match (or they already would’ve done so)

Just Be Thankful The Million Mike Francesa March Never Came To Fruition

Posted in Mob Behavior, New York, New York, Sports Radio at 12:12 am by

Congrats to the many acolytes of WFAN’s Mike Francesa on achieving the near impossible this weekend ; they manufactured a public spectacle that makes Philly’s Wing Bowl seem downright sophisticated by comparison!


America’s Least Anticipated Sporting Event Meets The Least Ambitious Recipe Of All-Time

Posted in Food, Gridiron at 7:47 pm by

(above : Antonio Brown and Lawrence Timmons celebrate the annual introduction of Pro Bowl Chili)

(EDITOR’S NOTE : the following was first posted on February 8, 2004. Since our archives from year one are forever on the fritz — and have been for way too long — you’ll just have to take my word for it. No one in their right mind would boast of republishing this recipe on an annual basis for 12 fucking  years if it weren’t true – GC).

Excuse me for having to spell this one out for our European readers. Pro Bowl Sunday is a BIG event for Americans. All over the country, families come together for Pro Bowl Parties. Advertisers pay hundreds of dollars to televise commercials featuring their newest products. Each year on Pro Bowl Sunday, battered womens’ shelters report the number of victims admitted to their care decreases by two percent, testament to the calming nature of the contest . If the NBA All-Star Game is, in the words of Michael Wilbon, Black Thanksgiving, then the Pro Bowl is sort of like Yom Kippur for Gambling Degenerates & Football Obsessives of All Races.

In this household, the Pro Bowl’s importance is matched only by that of the NHL Skills Competition (skate-sharpening, carrying Eric Lindros off the ice) and the entire NASCAR calendar. And with that in mind, here is CSTB’s Award Winning Pro Bowl Chili Recipe :

Ingredients :
750 g of Sainsbury Lean Minced Beef

1 jar of Uncle Ben’s Hot Chili
simmer the minced beef in a wok or non-combustible container until brown.

drain the fat in a colander.

remove half the beef and serve to CSTB’s Proofreader (allow some 20 minutes for cooling or you’ll be very very sorry)

put the other half of the beef back in the wok, add the contents of the Uncle Ben’s jar.

go watch NFL Countdown for 30 minutes

serve over a bed of white rice (if you don’t have any white rice, you can always try to cut the taste by swallowing without chewing)

Serves 1 – possibly two if you can get anyone to come over to your house for the Pro Bowl.


Bulldozing Boston Businesses To Make Room For The 2024 Olympics

Posted in olympics, The Marketplace at 9:56 pm by

Boston’s 2024 Summer Olympics bid will require some fairly extensive construction, and said glittering monuments to pseudo-amateur athletics cannot be erected without knocking down some existing properties. Trouble is, the Boston Globe’s Casey Ross and Don Adams report some of those local businesses are earmarked for demolition/relocation, without any owners being consulted.

Vendors at New Boston Food Market off Interstate 93, where Boston 2024 is proposing the main Olympic stadium, said organizers have falsely represented that their property is for sale and the businesses are open to relocating.

“We don’t want to move. We’re happy doing business right where we are,” said Jeffrey Corin, owner of Robbins Beef Co. and president of the cooperative that manages the property. “It’s kind of mind boggling when people say, ‘We’re going to build it here and just move these businesses someplace else.’ Nobody’s even talked to us.”

Several other landowners, including those whose Dorchester properties would be part of the proposed Athletes Village, said Friday they, too, have not heard directly from organizers.

Corcoran Jennison Cos. owns several properties adjacent to the Bayside Exposition Center, which is owned by the University of Massachusetts and would be the center of the Athletes Village. The company owns the Bayside Office Center and the DoubleTree Hotel, which is slated for a $28 million expansion. It is also planning a $40 million residential complex. But Boston 2024 proposes using those properties for housing, a media staging area, or retail shops for competitors.

“We were under the impression that [the Athletes Village] was only on the UMass Boston portion of the property,” said Michael Corcoran, an executive at the firm. “They haven’t contacted us, and we have no intention of slowing our projects.”

Boston 2024 said in its planning documents that it has “engaged all owners in ongoing dialogue about permanent control of all land required” for the stadium and other venues.

The Difference Between Slippery & Tacky : The Hooded Casanova’s Ball Inflation Tutorial

Posted in Gridiron at 6:27 pm by

That screaming sound you hear in the background is the SNL writing staff furiously rewriting tonight’s opening sketch to reflect the above press conference.


Connolly On Dan Duquette’s Future (And When’s The Bidding War For Mike Gimbel Gonna Resume?)

Posted in Baseball at 6:33 pm by

It would be no understatement to say that Orioles GM Dan Duquette — currently hoping to assume a similar role in Toronto — has experienced quite the career revival since being kicked to the Yawkey Way curb to make way for Theo Epstein so many years ago.  Trouble is Duquette is still under contract in Baltimore, though the Sun’s Dan Connolly predicts that situation will resolved to the satisfaction of all parties before long.

The Orioles appear to be looking for more than one potentially significant player in exchange for Duquette. The name of right-hander Jeff Hoffman, Toronto’s top pick (ninth overall) from last year, has come up (among others), and my sense is the Orioles wouldn’t take him straight up for Duquette. So that gives you an idea of how exorbitant the Orioles’ price tag might be – potentially too exorbitant.

That really hasn’t changed too dramatically since last week. Club managing partner Peter Angelos said then that he would listen to offers, but the sense was that he would have to be blown away. Now maybe the gust doesn’t have to be as strong.

Why? I think it’s because Duquette does really want this job and he’s expressed that to several people at the top of the organization. And ultimately, it’s not an enviable position to be in, standing in the way of someone’s aspirations – even though the Orioles have every right to do so Plus, look at it this way: If the Orioles make a legitimate attempt at compensation and can’t agree to terms and Duquette ends up staying, that’s a much different scenario than refusing to allow him to go in the first place. Then the reason he didn’t go is also on Toronto and not just the Orioles.


Derek Erdman Of Seattle, WA : A Present & Future Threat To The Hegemony Of Sully’s Tees

Posted in Fashion, Gridiron at 6:52 pm by

for a mere $39.95, you can order the above depiction of Brady-baiting Richard Sherman from Temple Of Cairo. Image courtesy the Derek Erdman Archives & Library.


BSM’s Allen On The Lynching Of The Hooded Casanova

Posted in Gridiron at 8:56 pm by

As Deflategate threatens to become the NFL’s biggest public relations disaster since, well, since the league took a cavalier approach to a star player punching his female companion’s lights out, Boston Sports Media’s Bruce Allen takes great exception to the level of invective directed at the New England Patriots and widely-disliked head coach Bill Belichick. “Roger Goodell can get himself into the good graces with the media by inflicting the harshest possible punishment upon Belichick and the Patriots,” observes Allen. “this satisfies the bloodlust of the media and the public outside of New England, and gets Goodell back into the good graces of the media after his PR fiascos earlier in the season.”

Nothing matters other than the fact the owner of the Colts, coming off a season in which he was suspended for six games, gave a crony columnist a middle of the night tip, which initially the columnist thought to ignore, but instead realized that since it was the Patriots, he’d get a lot of play out of it, and ran with it, and now says Belichick should be suspended for the Super Bowl and for that is a national star.

Nothing matters other than the fact that Belichick isn’t cuddly with the media, and most out there would like nothing more than to see him fired and disgraced, so they’re put aside any objectivity they may (unlikely) have possessed and have gone all-in on the idea that this is a huge cheat masterminded by Bill Belichick who personally oversaw the deflation of the footballs. (also unlikely) That’s the true endgame here.


From The Desk Of Randy L : Those Who Relish My Discomfort Are Gonna Have The Suckiest Of Summers

Posted in Baseball at 8:11 pm by

(EDITOR’S NOTE : From time to time, noted Bronx baseball executive Randy L. visits CSTB to weigh in on the events of the day, sporting and otherwise.  After USA Today’s publication of Howard Megdal’s “A-Rod’s comeback tour a gift that keeps on giving”, Randy offered, no, he demanded to have his say – GC)

Greetings and a belated happy new year to the Yankee Universe and all those who can only gaze upon it with a mixture of envy and desperation.  USA Today columnist Howard Megdal undoubtedly falls into the latter category, a man so hopelessly frustrated with the thankless task of  chronicling the financial straits of our crosstown rivals in excruciating detail, who could blame the guy if he asked to be reassigned to Fallujah?

Instead, Megdal lashes out at an organization that’s a paragon of fiscal stability! I was trying to enjoy an afternoon matinee of “The Wedding Ringer” (COMEDY, THY NAME IS GAD) when my Blackberry is suddenly  blowing up with messages about this would-be shit-stirrer suggesting we have anything other than optimism surrounding Alex Rodriguez’ pending/heroic comeback? I quote :

What about how the Yankees have made it clear, over a multiyear period, how little they wish to have Rodriguez on the field? Can you remember a more adversarial relationship between player and team? Remember, until recently, Rodriguez had a lawsuit against the Yankees team doctor that suggested a conspiracy to keep him off the field. This isn’t Reggie Jackson ripping George Steinbrenner and Billy Martin in the news media. This is next-level acrimony.

GIMME A FUCKING BREAK. Just because Mr. Rodriguez is a delusional, paranoid fantasist who imagines conspiracies behind every corner (much the way he believes Joanie Laurer will someday rescue and drag him back to her cave) does not mean the New York Yankees haven’t been 100% supportive in his attempts to return to the field. I’ve personally done everything in my power to be a friend to our 3rd baseman, whether it means monitoring his training regiment or being one of his only confidants that doesn’t resemble Tony Atlas in a sports bra.

I deeply resent the following passage : “Oh, and the reaction from the Yankees when he hits his sixth home run this year, reaching Willie Mays’ 660 and triggering a $6 million bonus in his contract? That’s going to be priceless?”

Does Megdal really believe a business genius like myself is sweating a mere $6 million? Shit, we paid that much money to a Jon Polito lookalike that played a whopping 24 games. Did you hear any stories about me slapping the face of our perpetually horny GM or ordering Nick Johnson’s remaining salary to be paid in pennies?

Of course not. That’s why we have a little thing called “non-disclosure agreements” that anyone who works in our offices is expected to sign. And when I find out exactly who’s been talking to this Megdal character, they’re gonna end up like Michael Kay’s simulcast (ie. never seen or heard again).

I’m Randy L. And I’m not fucking around.

Julian Edelman Proves Belichick Isn’t Foxboro’s Only Fashion Plate

Posted in Fashion, Gridiron, Hip Hop at 6:30 pm by

Not since Last Rites’ Twisted William Tony Perez donned a “Hitler European Tour” t-shirt at his band’s only public appearance has New England been so scandalized by one man’s aesthetic choices.


Pearlman On Uncivilty, Twitter Tough Guys….and Cock Sizes

Posted in Gridiron, Mob Behavior, twitter twatter at 9:51 pm by

Packers TE Brandon Bostick faced the music yesterday after his monumental miscue on a Seahawks onside kick set the stage for the hosts’ recovery and eventual victory in the NFC Championship game, but Bostick’s maturity meant little to the hordes of Twitter abusers who had a field day at his expense. “Boys Will Be Boys: The Glory Days and Party Nights of the Dallas Cowboys Dynasty” author Jeff Pearlman observed the hate fest and concluded, “it’s sickening”.

You’re talking about a man who jumped for a football and missed. Again—he jumped for a football and missed. When I tried making this point on Twitter (always a mistake), multiple dolts countered with, “It wasn’t his job!” Which is probably true. Bostick was, it seems, supposed to let the ball reach Jordy Nelson.

But, again, he made a mistake. A human mistake. A mistake people make when footballs come bouncing their way, and 11 opposing players are charging forcefully, and it’s right there in front of you, floating … floating … floating.

I love sports. I mean, I truly love sports, and have devoted much of my life to covering them. But I can’t imagine ever reaching such pathetic depths that I’d greet a man’s lowest moment (true public humiliation) by striving to make it worse. I mean, James Rolley—”Bostick I will kill you”? I mean, Chef Curry—”Kill yo self bitch”? I mean, Dave Rothstein—”Suck my dick”? (Dave, I can say this as a fellow Jew. Odds are your dick is not particularly large).

Metsradamus On Diminishing (Already Diminished) Expectations

Posted in Baseball at 8:16 pm by

(about as close as you’re gonna get to seeing this guy in Mets colors while in his prime)

On Monday, it was revealed the Washington Nationals will somehow attempt to contend in the National League East next season with a starting rotation of Steven Strasburg, Max Scherzer, Gio Gonzalez, Doug Fister and Jordan Zimmerman. Of the astonishing disparity between Matt Williams’ arsenal and Terry Collins’ allegedly major market ballclub, Metsradamus writes, “there are many ways to put together a baseball team. The Atlanta Braves are rebuilding. The Washington Nationals are reloading. And the Mets patched a couple of holes with plaster in hopes of nobody knowing the difference.”

It’s silly to think that the Mets should go all Padres on everybody just because I or anybody else is frustrated … especially if everybody’s first line in trade talks to Sandy Alderson is “Syndergaard”. (We do have other players … rest of league.) But to see the rich get richer while the Mets get an old outfielder and a fifth outfielder and essentially tell the world “we’re good” in November is frustrating. Maybe in some weird way the Nationals signing Scherzer will spawn the argument that is basically “see, it’s pointless to go after the division because the Nationals are going to win it easily now, so let’s just be happy to have improved enough to enter a death struggle for the second wild card.” And that is when I’ll put my head through the wall. Maybe I’ll do that anyway.


Not Since “Fireworks Safety WIth Vince Coleman” Has A Less Appropriate Appointment Been Made

Posted in Baseball, New York, New York, The Marketplace at 10:27 pm by

Would you settle for Roger Cedeno Driving School?   How about, “It’s 10pm, Do You Know Where Your Children Are (Because Paul Lo Duca Is Especially Interested In One Of Them”)?

 Commissioner elect Rob Manfred announced a near-total overhaul of baseball’s hierarchy, replacing seven of the eight members of the powerful executive council, with Cardinals general partner Bill DeWitt (not coincidentally his biggest supporter in last summer’s contentious election process) the lone holdover. Forming the new executive council are Yankees general partner Hal Steinbrenner, Twins owner Jim Pohlad, Rays owner Stu Sternberg, Rangers co-chairman Ray Davis, Pirates owner Bob Nutting, Braves chairman Terry McGuirk and Cubs owner Tom Ricketts. Among those coming off the council are White Sox board chairman Jerry Reinsdorf, Red Sox owner John Henry and Reds owner Bob Castellini, all of whom — perhaps also not coincidentally — opposed Manfred last summer. In addition, two longtime Selig allies — Mets owner Fred Wilpon and Royals owner David Glass — came off the council but were appointed as chairmen of two important committees — Glass for business and Wilpon for finance. Manfred also appointed new Padres chairman Ron Fowler to head up the labor committee.

Bill Madden, NY Daily News, January 17, 2015

Phil Mushnick : Stoking The Paranoid Fantasies Of Mike Newlin

Posted in Basketball at 10:09 pm by

No sooner have I completed a mid-afternoon screening of “The Front”, than I learn from Phil Mushnick’s latest Sports Du Jour column that former Nets G Mike Newlin, “seemed naïve to the world outside of hotel rooms, airports and arenas.” Even worse, he took exception to Phil Jackson’s carefully cultivated fashion aesthetic :

One late afternoon in Indianapolis, I was on the team bus. Newlin was in the seat across from me, on the aisle. Jackson entered, walked past and sat toward the back. Jackson was wearing one of those fading hippie era Davy Crockett/Daniel Boone light brown leather jackets, with the leather tassels along the sleeves.
Newlin leaned over to me. “What’s his story?” he asked, obviously referencing Jackson.

“Whattya mean?” I asked back.

“Is he a Communist?”

I leaned in close to Newlin and whispered, “Card-carrying.”

Newlin nodded, as if he understood, then leaned back in his seat.

I figured or hoped that Newlin knew that I was kidding. But I’ve long — as in 35 years — had my doubts.

Did Mike Newlin believe Phil Jackson is a card-carry member of the Communist Party? Does he still believe that? Did he contact the House Un-American Activities Committee?


It Doesn’t Take Einstein To Figure Out Which Former Teammates R.A. Dickey’s Talking About…

Posted in Baseball at 8:30 pm by

…mostly because the National Post’s John Lott fills in the necessary gaps, suggesting that Toronto’s recent jettisoning of several fixtures addresses an alleged clubhouse chemistry problem. Amongst those with a favorable take on the transactions is starter R.A. Dickey, who by chance was recently described by Jays broadcaster Jerry Howarth as, “a man onto himself on an island.”

“I think having guys in the clubhouse all pulling the same rope is really, really integral,” Dickey said as he tiptoed through the topic. “I think it all starts with communication and being able to deliver that in a way that is encouraging and positive. So we’ll see what happens.”

He paused, then added: “But I think you saw where the front office sat on the issue by the way they made the moves in the offseason.”

Behold the moves of the offseason. The occasionally outspoken Adam Lind, traded to Milwaukee for pitcher Marco Estrada. The hyperkinetic, loud and oft-injured Brett Lawrie, traded to Oakland for Donaldson, a reputed leader type. The moody Anthony Gose, dealt to Detroit for prospect Devon Travis. The underachieving and often-candid Colby Rasmus, waved into free agency. Martin, another renowned leader of men, lured with a five-year, US$82-million contract.

Do those moves speak to chemistry as well as performance?

Seemingly backtracking, Dickey said he didn’t know for certain. And he stressed, of course, that he had nothing against any of the departed.

“But it was evident that we needed some kind of shakeup,” he said. “We’d stuck with the guys that we had in our clubhouse for two years. I think [management] thought it was time. What did Einstein say the definition of insanity was? Doing the same thing over and over expecting a different result?”


Reto Berra Is Not Quite Ready To Act Like He’s Been There Before

Posted in Hockey at 11:02 pm by

….though when it comes to the Lake Eire Monsters netminder scoring a goal an empty net goal against the Chicago Wolves Friday evening, he’s not really been there before.

The Secrets Of Bill Walton’s Straight Man

Posted in Basketball, College Spurts, Sports TV at 8:37 pm by

If you’ve watched Pac 12 hoops on ESPN recently, you’re no stranger to the unique chemistry between play by plan man Dave Pasch and analyst Bill Walton, though it seems the former has quite a task reigning in the verbose latter.  In the view of the Los Angeles Daily News’ Tom Hoffarth, the duo’s work is nothing short of “thaumaturgic”, while Pasch says of his partner, “I find myself counting in my head: This is the third reference to something other than basketball that he’s said, so now maybe it’s time to get back on track.”

“There was some sticker shock when we started two years ago — I definitely had to adjust more than Bill did, because Bill’s going to be Bill,” Pasch explained. “It probably took me a few games to loosen up a little bit, to do some soul searching.

“I think there are mixed perceptions of people wondering how I view Bill. Some think it’s part of the show, it’s entertainment. Some think I don’t like him. I do like Bill. I’ve always said that.

“In fact, there was one instance early on where I said something (that could have been interpreted as scolding Walton) and I apologized to Bill during a break, and he said, ‘Don’t ever apologize again — keep coming, keep coming.’ So it was a ticket to jab him whenever I felt necessary.

“Sometimes I’ll look over and he is laughing about it. At least one of us is laughing usually.”



Posted in Rock Und Roll at 8:38 pm by


(Probably) Coming To Future Episodes of “SportsCenter” : All The Ambience Of Watching YouTube, Pop-Up Advertising

Posted in Sports TV, The Marketplace at 9:01 pm by

Last weekend, Disney’s ESPN debuted it’s first programmatically sold advertisement during an overnight edition of “SportsCenter”. If you’re wondering what that actually means, MediaPost’s Tyler Loechner attempts to explain :

The ad took its own 30-second block — almost like a Hulu ad block — and was shown from within the “SportsCenter” set. Also unlike traditional TV ads, the Turbo Tax ad was never given the full screen.

Along the bottom of the screen, the ESPN news ticker can be seen running throughout the spot, and a 30 second countdown clock is displayed directly above the ad. These decisions allowed ESPN to keep its “SportsCenter” themed wall in the background and display the ESPN and “SportsCenter” logos on screen — as well as the ticker — while the ad played.

Thanks to some photoshopping, we can tell you that the ad took up about 31% of the TV screen’s pixels. That — coupled with the fact the ad was shown at 1 a.m. — clearly exhibits that ESPN was simply testing the waters; the network was treating its programmatic ad much differently than it would a “standard” ad, not to mention a “premium” ad.

A non-full-screen TV ad played from within the studio at 1 a.m. during a non-conventional commercial break is a premium TV broadcaster’s equivalent to “remnant” display inventory.


Helpful Hint : Don’t Sent Kurt Busch The “Homeland” DVD For Valentine’s Day

Posted in "Wife Beater" Is Not A Fashion Statement, NASCAR, The Law, Total Fucking Terror at 10:47 pm by

NASCAR driver Kurt Busch faces possible domestic violence charges stemming from a September incident at Dover International Speedway in which he’s accused of assaulting former companion Patricia Driscoll. Delaware Online’s Jon Offredo reports that Busch’s side of the story includes claims that Driscoll, a CEO of a defense contractor as well as CEO of the Armed Forces Foundation, “is a trained assassin.”

Several people testified during the hearing, including Busch, that Driscoll claimed she was a trained assassin who had killed people, including drug lords. While on the stand, Busch said Driscoll claimed that Jessica Chastain’s character in the movie ‘Zero Dark Thirty’ was partly based on her and other females working in counterintelligence and defense.

When attorney Rusty Hardin asked how he’d fare in a physical confrontation, Busch said he knew she could overpower him.

“I knew she could take me down at any moment,” Busch said.

Asked why, he said, “Because she is a badass.”

Berger On Prokhorov’s Reign In Brooklyn : Great For Profits & Punchlines, Not So Hot For Hoops

Posted in Basketball at 5:19 pm by

It was reported earlier today that Mikhail Prokhorov had contracted an outside firm to find a buyer for the Brooklyn Nets, not even 3 full years after the club moved from Newark to the Barclays Center.  Though Prokhorov is likely to fetch a massive return on his investment, CBS Sports’ Ken Berger calls the Russian billionaire’s tenure in the NBA, “vastly  unfulfilling”.

At least he’s been good for the zingers. In a 2012 appearance at the construction site of the Barclays Center, Prokhorov turned a conversation about prospective free-agent Deron Williams into a comedy club warmup act. With Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban targeting Williams as a free agent, Prokhorov said, “Let the best man win. If he wins, I will crush him with the kickboxing throwdown.”

Williams, of course, re-signed with the Nets for $100 million. With more than $43 million left on that deal after this season as he rides Brooklyn’s bench, Williams will show up as one of the biggest liabilities on the offering plan that Prokhorov’s bankers write up.

So who won that throwdown?

Prokhorov’s basketball legacy will be that of a sharp-witted, frivolous spender who oversaw the most expensive team in NBA history last season — one that couldn’t get out of the second round. He also oversaw another exit, that of franchise icon Jason Kidd. While the Nets might have been right to snub their noses at Kidd’s awkward, agent-driven power play last summer, facts are facts. Kidd has the surprising Bucks in the fifth spot without No. 2 overall pick Jabari Parker. The Nets are only three games behind them in the loss column, but be patient; the firesale that precedes most ownership transfers hasn’t started yet.


Not Since The Heyday Of ECW’s Sign Guy Dudley Has Television Been Graced With Such Pithy (Whiteboard) Commentary

Posted in College Spurts, Gridiron at 9:24 pm by

Prior to this evening’s Oregon v. Ohio State National Championship game in Dallas, ESPN cameras picked up the following signage, the handiwork of Parma, OH resident Ken Ross Jr. Via the Cleveland Plain Dealer, Death Of Samantha’s John Petkovic provides the fascinating backstory :

You know Ross, right? He’s the happy-go-lucky guy that manages the Rivergate Café in Cleveland’s Flats? Yeah, the dude with the big beard. Yeah, that guy.

“I woke up from a dream and it hit me,” says Ross, via phone from Dallas. “I figured some would get the Cleveland reference and some wouldn’t, but I don’t care.”

Of course, the sign refers to a scene in “A Christmas Story” where Ralphie’s mom comes out against duck heads.

Soon after unveiling the sign today, Ross realized that he had a winner on, er, in his hands.

“Troy Smith was doing an interview with ESPN and he stopped and looked at me and laughed and pointed at the sign,” says Ross, referring to the former Bucks QB. “Everywhere I go people are taking pictures of me – I’ve become the guy with the funny sign.”

For Stewart Lee, Fox News’ Birmingham Gaffe Presents A Unique Opportunity

Posted in non-sporting journalism, Racism Corner, The World Of Entertainment, Total Fucking Terror at 4:52 pm by

(finally, it’s crossover time for Roy “Chubby” Brown!)

As you’ve probably heard elsewhere, Fox News’ Jeanine Pirro recently offered no objection to the nutcase claims of self-styled terrorism expert Stephen Emerson, who opined on air that “there are actual cities like Birmingham that are totally Muslim, where non-Muslims just simply don’t go in.” Comedian/Guardian op-ed columnist Stewart Lee visits Birmingham in a couple of months time, and he’s very mindful that his upcoming appearance necessitates coming up with “standup material that can be consumed by both the Islamic and the anti-Islamic customer bases, both of which are growing fast in modern Britain.”

I am currently in talks, with both Roy “Chubby” Brown and Citizen Khan’s Adil Ray, aimed at creating a central databank of Islamic-related standup content, which can be loaned out to different comedians and finessed in any direction, by way of facial expressions, tonal vocal shifts and amusing headgear, then targeted towards the racial and religious breakdown of the specific audience.

But Birmingham, apparently, is now totally Islamic. Will there be time before 2 May to spin my new two hours of comedy to address the concerns of Birmingham’s suddenly exclusively Islamic audience? Perhaps they will assume that my new Anti-Islamic Observational Comedy section is in fact a celebration of difference, like Ricky Gervais’s microtonally nuanced Derek, and I will be given the Freedom of the City of Birmingham, such as it is?

But I wouldn’t want the freedom of this new Islamo-Birmingham now, as there will be no pubs. I still remember the bad old days of the 1970s, when Birmingham was controlled by Quakers. Oats were all there was to eat, and the only drink was lukewarm drinking chocolate in a chipped mug with a picture of the pig from Pipkins on it.


You’d Think Dez Bryant Just Dropped A Pizza

Posted in Gridiron at 8:32 pm by

Like many of you, I had no rooting interest in Sunday’s Dallas / Green Bay NFC Playoff tilt, none that is, unless you count hoping the result would prove deeply disappointing for weirdly-uncloseted Cowboys fans and serial Jerry Jones-hugger New Jersey Governor Chris Christie.

Needless to say, I was very pleased with the outcome. Or at the very least, one observer’s reaction to it.


Remembering Roy Tarpley

Posted in Basketball at 10:05 pm by

Former Mavs PF/C Roy Tarpley, banned from the NBA for drug policy violations in 1991, then permanently barred in 1995 after his reinstatement a year earlier, passed away Friday in Arlington, TX. Plagued thru most of his stateside pro career with addiction issues, the NBA’s Sixth Man Of The Year in the 1987-88 season settled out of court with the NBA and the Mavericks in 2009 after suing the league for violating his rights under the Americans With Disabilities Act.