In Defense Of Steve Rushin

Posted in Blogged Down, Sports Journalism, Will Leitch Sucks at 3:53 pm by

The Human Whoopee Cushion seems mildly perturbed that Sports Illustrated’s Steve Rushin has been named National Sportswriter of the Year by the National Sportscasters and Sportswriters Association. And indeed, who amongst us isn’t disappointed that the award didn’t go to a guy that combs On The DL for his most traffic-boosting features?

On the laff-riot meter, Rushin can be counted on for a funny gag every 2 or 3 issues. Not the highest of batting averages, admittedly, but far better than the Al Leiter of sports blogging.

Writes Will,

Rushin also proves that the best way to win a national sportswriter of the year award is never actually have an opinion, but be a big fan of jokes about Viagra and sand traps.

If only the voters had consisted of bright minds like Warren St. John and Vincent Mallozzi, some overdue recognition could’ve gone to say, a big fan of jokes about Peyton Manning being queer.

Still, as preposterous as it may seem, the Human Whoopie Cushion calling anyone out who can actually string a sentence together, I’m grateful it happened in this instance. The likelihood of Leitch getting his ass kicked by Rebecca Lobo just increased exponentially.


Live Blogging A Brain Dead Attempt At Live Blogging

Posted in Blogged Down, Gridiron, Sports TV, Will Leitch Sucks at 6:00 pm by

From American’s foremost authority on giggling at black people, The Human Whoopie Cushion :

A reader also points out how pleased we were to see that Cleveland from “Family Guy” had the opportunity to also sing the national anthem.

Maybe you get precisely the sort of readers you deserve?

Yeah, they’re the exact same guy. I mean, just look at them.

This sort of sophisticated analysis does remind me a bit of the Austin columnist who insists on comparing Stephen A. Smith to Eddie Murphy.

I will say that these David LaChappelle Burger King ads are really freaking me out. And the price of a Super Bowl spot must’ve really dropped if Ian Michael Black is considered a suitable pitchman.

(UPDATE : What I meant to say, the price of a Super Bowl spot must’ve really dropped if Jay Mohr is considered a suitable pitchman. At this rate, we’ll see advertisements starring Scott Ferrall and Tom Arnold by halftime.)

UPDATE 2 : Incredibly, they’ve played an entire half of football and neither Al Michaels nor John Madden has said a word about the drunken photos of Ben Roethlisberger that appeared in the neutered version of On The DL. Am I overreacting when I say this calls for a Congressional investigation?)


Fearless Fop Takes Bold Stand Against SBXL Banality

Posted in Blogged Down, Gridiron, Will Leitch Sucks at 3:28 pm by

If a Seattle player, Jeremy Stevens or otherwise, thinks that their team is going to win the game on Sunday, that doesn’t qualify as trash talk.,
Memphis Bengal, Sports Frog, 09:20am, February 2.

This is what Seahawks tight end Jerramy Stevens said on Tuesday: œ[Jerome Bettis being from Detroit] is a heartwarming story and all that. But it will be a sad day when he leaves without that trophy. This œtrash talk can be translated, quite easily, as œwe think we are going to win Sunday.

It doesn™t matter how many microphones you stick in Joey Porter™s face. This is not trash talk. This is not interesting. This is not a story.
Will Leitch, Deadspin, 12:55pm, February 2.

Nope, the real story of Super Bowl Week is that Deadspin ran a bunch of photos of Ben Roethlisberger looking drunk and sloppy, and despite a shout out on “Cold Pizza” (suddenly his favorite TV show after all these months) Will is miffed that he didn’t receive props from a real newspaper.

And with that, I’ll add my voice to this brave chorus. Stringers, freelancers, columnists, traveling bloggers, etc., I beseech you! Do not give in to the temptation of puff pieces, desperate attempts at “bulletin board material”, etc. You’ve got one responsibility to your readers this week and one only : MAKE CERTAIN YOUR SUPER BOWL COVERAGE REVOLVES AROUND DEADSPIN.

Thank you.

Will Leitch Goes To The Ghetto Prom

Posted in Basketball, Blogged Down, Racism Corner, Will Leitch Sucks at 11:37 am by

Golden State Warriors media flack Eric Govan was fired yesterday for bulk e-mailing some snapshots from the “ghetto prom” websites that have poppped up in recent years.

Observed the mature, sensitive Will Leitch (above, right), “The computer œsend button: Aside from death, is there anything more frighteningly conclusive?”

Indeed, Will should know. Were Govan guilty of say, suggesting that Mike Tyson can’t read or that Isiah Thomas doesn’t know how to use a computer, he might instead have ended up the subject of a flattering NY Times profile.


Checking The NHL Standings With The Human Whoopie Cushion

Posted in Hockey, Will Leitch Sucks at 5:59 pm by

From Will Leitch’s “What To Watch Tonight” :

¢ NHL: Flightless Sea Fowl at Rangers. We hear it™s Giveaway Night at the Garden ¦ but then, isn™t just about every night giveaway night at the Garden? [MSG]

The New York Rangers are 16-6-5 at home this season. Granted, the Knicks are hopeless, but to kid about MSG being Loser Central with a Rangers’ fixture as the example just doesn’t work.

However, if I chose to point out that the St. Louis Blues have the worst record in the NHL, and that St. Louis is officially the Gonorrhea Capital Of The USA, I’d be telling the truth.


Times’ Mallozzi Blows Leitch, Story

Posted in Blogged Down, Sports Journalism, Will Leitch Sucks at 9:07 pm by

Despite the very cozy “you link me, I’ll quote you” relationship between the NY Times’ Warren St. John and Deadspin’s Will Leitch —- a mutual masturbation session that should at the very least, prove troubling to the former’s editors (the latter having already shown no conscience to speak of) — the Gray Lady is at it again, throwing more plaudits in Leitch’s direction in tomorrow’s Sunday edition courtesy of Vincent M. Mallozzi. (thanks to Repoz for the link)

Will Leitch, a lifelong Cardinals fan, took a job in 1996 covering his favorite baseball team for The St. Louis Post-Dispatch.

Keep dreaming.

“I learned that there is no place in the world less joyful than a press box,” said Leitch, 30.

Yeah, tell those sorry ass motherfuckers in Rwanda to stop their sobbing.

“If ESPN gets a story that they don’t consider news or might not be in their best interest to run, well, it’s no longer a story and we never hear about it,” said Leitch, who worked briefly for New York Times Digital in 2000. “But if I get a really good scoop from one of my sources or something really interesting from a fan, I have the freedom to post it without having to deal with any political pressure.”

“One of my sources” = old issues of USA Today Baseball Weekly or RSS feeds from other blogs. Really, where’s the Paper Of Record’s love for On The DL?

“Basically, the site allows me to be a reporter, and it allows sports fans to serve as my fellow reporters and editors,” Leitch said. “I think a lot of people out there were waiting for something like this. It puts a lot of fun back into sports.”

Yes, people were waiting on pins and needles for a well-financed, less idiosyncratic ripoff of Sports Frog.

(take it from me, pal, you won’t see 35, never mind be able to perform in the sack, if you don’t improve that blogging-while-watching TV posture).

Mallozzi, who most recently penned a questionable profile of an Illinois-obsessed chap (besides Will, I mean), seems to be of the opinion that Leitch’s chronic ethical lapses and predilection for easy targets are unworthy of examination. No point in killing a great American success story.


Professional Blogger Does-It-With-A-Real-Female, Expects You To Read About It

Posted in History's Great Hook-Ups, non-sporting journalism, Will Leitch Sucks at 4:03 pm by

I don’t know if Oui Magazine is still publishing (editor’s note : I am really fucking old), but if they are, I don’t think this guy should hold his breath waiting for an invitation to contribute. (thanks to Charles Star for the link)

If reality stumbles when you learn that your girlfriend has had a threesome, it falls flat when you come face-to-face with the other parts of her carnal equation. As I watched the groom take his place near the priest/rabbi/guy with rented Bible, my brain went to three immediate destinations.

1. The last time we were “intimate.” It had been a long day, and I’d had a bit to drink. I wasn’t at my best. Let’s just leave it at that.

I can totally relate. If I spent the entire morning posting stories that other blogs had covered the previous evening, if not days or weeks earlier, I’d also be way too tired to fuck Will Leitch’s girlfriend.

Seriously. Ditch-diggers and wage slaves of the world, you have no idea how easy you’ve got it. Making fun of Ron Artest’s mental problems and calling Peyton Manning a closet case, now that’s hard labor.


Peter Griffin, Meet Will Leitch

Posted in Blogged Down, Will Leitch Sucks at 1:55 pm by

As for œFamily Guy, on the whole, we™re torn. It seems like the television show equivalent of a bad blog to us; just a bunch of cultural references without much heart.

Withering criticism, to be sure. If this cartoon thing doesn’t work out for Seth McFarlane, presumably he has a job waiting for him at Gawker Media.

David Pinto, Freedom Fighter

Posted in Blogged Down, The Internet, Will Leitch Sucks at 11:33 am by

Good news, everyone! David Pinto of Baseball Musings will no longer run Google Ads as he opposes the search-engine monolith’s capitulation to Chinese authorities.

Pinto, however, continues to run a number of ads for ticket brokers. While none of these companies have been found guility of human rights violations, their carpet-bomb web pollution tactics and price gouging are hardly the sort of thing that makes the world a better place.

Still, I’m impressed with Pinto’s principled stance, and in solidarity, shall stop entering the phrase “amputee pics” into Google for the next 48 hours.

Full credit to David, however, for actually having advertisers. Will Leitch took the opportunity yesterday to ridicule the Senior Bowl’s claims that their website had been shut down due to “high traffic volumes”. Yeah, it was pretty hard to believe. Much like Deadspin’s repeated claims throughout the past month that they’d attracted advertisers….who weren’t actually advertising on the site.


These Awards Are A Dime A Dozen…

Posted in Blogged Down, Will Leitch Sucks at 12:44 pm by

…and I wanna meet the guy who’s handing out the dimes.

(I’d have gladly accepted, but Marlon Brando already sent it back)

You’re welcome.
Don’t mention it.
Anything to help

How is it that Sidearm Delivery is the only blog to feature this fetching button to the right of its daily content?


Cowherd Decries Shaq/Kobe Truce

Posted in Basketball, Sports Radio, Will Leitch Sucks at 2:06 pm by

Showing the unique perspective of a guy far too busy to actually watch NBA games — having already bragged that he finds the regular season boring — ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd condemned Shaquille O’Neal and Kobe Bryant for their public expression of goodwill last night, declaring that the public wants…no, needs feuds and soap operas to remain engrossed.

To which I can only reply, the league somehow managed to survive Magic and Isiah smooching at midcourt. The only thing more contrived than last night’s hatchet burial is demanding that 99% of the players pretend they aren’t members of the same millionaire frat.

Speaking of contrived, Bill Simmons — though he didn’t actually hear the show himself — is convinced that Isiah Thomas has challenged him to a fight. Will Leitch, still referring to himself in the plural, writes “we can’t believe Isiah Thomas knows how to use a computer.” Said missive comes just a couple of months after Will gleefully penned the headline “Tyson Most Likely Celeb Who Can’t Read”.

I’m not saying Leitch is a brutal racist or anything. But given his fixation with questioning the intellectual capacity of prominent black men, he might wanna work a little harder at getting his facts right. Or at least cease with the html errors (unless he has a nice assistant for that kind of thing).


A Fun Assignment

Posted in Blogged Down, Football, Will Leitch Sucks at 2:47 pm by

If anyone would like to explain to Will Leitch’s understudy that the F.A. Cup and the Scottish Cup are not the same tournament, please, be my guest. That’s presuming you can deal with a comments section that’s by invitation-only.


Love The Player, Hate The Name

Posted in Gridiron, Will Leitch Sucks at 12:31 am by

It cannot be argued that Washington RB Clinton Portis — in addition to setting a club rushing record with 1516 yards gained in ’05 — has provided blogdom and the straight media alike with mucho grist for the wacko mill all season long.

But Portis could be funnier than Rick Shapiro smoking Richard Pryor’s ashes — that still doesn’t excuse the following queary by Will Leitch :

How can you not be rooting for the Redskins to go as far into the playoffs as possible?

Uh, Dan Snyder? The fact that they’re called the Redskins?


Jay Mohr Racks Up The Coverage

Posted in Blogged Down, Will Leitch Sucks at 2:39 pm by

Writes Will Leitch, referencing a dubious study that claims to have determined which sport is most exciting (hint : the winner wasn’t NASCAR or kicking Will in the face),

There are so many problems with this study that enumerating them here would be like mocking a Jay Mohr column: So incredibly easy that it hardly seems sporting.

Indeed, giving Mohr a hard time in no way can be compared with the courage shown by Will in mocking those with Down’s Syndrome, depressed teens or the way he’s consistently gone after the universally beloved Stephen A. Smith.


Long-Awaited Worm, Barrymore Pairing Coming To The Small Screen

Posted in The World Of Entertainment, Will Leitch Sucks at 2:22 pm by

Predictably, Will Leitch is overcome with glee at reports that Dennis Rodman might be one of the captives on Channel 4′s “Celebrity Big Brother”, scheduled to hit UK TV screens this Thursday night. To which I must (predictably) snort, “who gives a fuck?”, particularly as said program is likely to feature the public comeback of The Godfather Of Light Entertainment, Michael Barrymore.

With that in mind, however, I do have some advice for the former Bulls/Pistons rebounding reprobate, if he chooses to participate : when Barrymore suggests going for a swim, you might want to decline.


Coming In August 2006 : Will Leitch Watches The “Lazy Sunday” Video

Posted in Blogged Down, Will Leitch Sucks at 5:11 pm by

With typical aplomb, Will Leitch (to say nothing of his cretinous readers) is in a tizzy today over a video of a Ball State undergrad stammering his way through a crap sports newscast.

Granted, it’s a funny video. Just as funny, in fact, when others linked to it in April of 2005. The only thing that could be funnier would be if it turned out the unfortunate would-be Mike Lynch had recently committed suicide.

Seems to me that if you’re gonna take the time to publicly ridicule someone for their complete and utter inability to function as a public speaker, you’d better have some chops of your own in said department. I’ve seen Will sweating bullets on ESPN2. I’ve heard his insomnia-cure cameos on Sports Bloggers Live. Suffice to say, if you had to choose from Radar O’Riley, Leon Spinks and Will Leitch for a recitation of the Gettysburg Address, the poetry of Robert Frost or just today’s blue plate specials, Will would come in third.

Ball State’s Brian Collins can take some solace in knowing that a few minutes of net video humilation is nothing compared to life as a Walking Blooper Reel.


What Could Be Funnier Than Someone’s Kid Dying?

Posted in Blogged Down, Will Leitch Sucks at 4:16 pm by

Human Whoopie Cushion Will Leitch’s sense of humor is becoming as sophisticated as his sense of fair play. Not content with laughing at those with Down’s Syndrome, Leitch’s latest targets seem to be the grieving relatives of young men who have committed suicide. Troubled ex-reliever Jeff Reardon says he’s having troubling coping with his son’s overdose, giving Will the excuse to make fun of Reardon’s beard.

You’ll recall it was just last week that Leitch showed the presence of mind to link to the MySpace page of Tony Dungy’s late son, James. Today, Leitch defended said decision, claiming said profile is “the first thing that has given any insight, however slight, of what might have been inside James Dungy™s head.”

And thank god for that, too. There’s no way the public could’ve lasted another moment without knowing for example, that Tony Dungy’s kid was into weed, Randy Moss and Snoop Dogg.

Anyhow, for once, I am in agreement with Will. The public’s right to know supercedes any considerations of privacy, sensitivity or compassion. And you can learn a lot about a person from their MySpace profile.


Apologetic Lawton Screws Up Again

Posted in Baseball, Blogged Down, Will Leitch Sucks at 3:44 pm by

Surely Matt Lawton must be aware that by publicly admitting to injecting himself with Mr. Ed Juice, he’s pissed away any chance, however unlikely, of being named 2006′s MLB Comeback Player Of The Year? A simple, “I’m apologizing, and I don’t know what for” would’ve sufficed.

Though Will Leitch didn’t manage to score the exclusive mea culpa from Lawton (beaten again by that primary source for all baseball info, USA Sports Weekly), the vacationing Deadspinner did manage to come up with an incredibly tasteful link to the supposed MySpace page of Tony Dungy’s late son.

Much as Will would like to blame his lack of judgement on the fact he’s been writing from Matoon, IL’s only public place with wireless internet access, I can already tell you that’s a poor excuse. Blogging at a funeral is much tougher. But if you’re driving through the area and would like to witness Leitch neglecting his family on what should otherwise be a joyous time devoted to anything other than mocking someone’s dead kid, you can find him typing away at Common Grounds, 1612 Charleston Ave.


Will Leitch Vs. Oscar Madison

Posted in Blogged Down, Will Leitch Sucks at 8:14 pm by

From Will Leitch earlier today :

Jack Klugman is now blogging. And not about baseball, really ” just hawking his book on Tony Randall, and telling Jackie Gleason stories.

Yes, well, we can’t all be so dignified as to hawk copies of terrific new novels for kids. But given that Klugman’s blog has been up for 5 weeks, this is a relatively timely observaton on Will’s part.

But in all seriousness, Klugman is entitled to publish as shitty, as shilly a blog as he wants. Jack has brought joy to the lives of millions with some of television’s finest moments.

By contrast, were the Sultan of Smug (above) mowed down by an 18 wheeler tomorrow, his obituary would credit him with such achievments as publishing a photo of a drunken Kyle Orton and setting new world records for obsequiousness.


Footie Bashing Fop Freaks Out Over Di Canio

Posted in Blogged Down, Football, Will Leitch Sucks at 5:57 pm by

Will Leitch, perhaps unaware that former West Ham tantrum specialist Paolo Di Canio is an old hand at this sort of thing, is pretty quick to use the striker’s latest sieg-heiling incident as an example of creepy behaviour permeating the world of soccer.

To which I can only reply,

Marge Schott
Steve Carlton
Charlie Ward

Will should be running a story about the 1936 Olympics any day now. Once he’s done giggling over “Mein Kampf”, of course.


Bob Ryan In Not-So-Sucky Shocker

Posted in Blogged Down, Sports Journalism, Will Leitch Sucks at 1:27 pm by

Will Leitch annoints the Boston Globe’s Bob Ryan (above) as today’s subject of “Why Your Hometown Columnist Sucks”, a curious conceit given that a) a columnist in Leitch’s actual hometown would find his or herself writing for something closer to The Springfield Shopper than the Boston Globe and b) Ryan has forgotten more about sports than Leitch will ever know.

Actually, the same could be said of Karen Ann Quinlan. Who would probably make for a more likeable TV personality than Bob Ryan. But regardless, Ryan’s work for the Globe, while occasionally out to lunch, is relatively reasoned, thoughtful stuff compared to the regular offerings of a more self-obsessed colleague.


Ronaldo Cleared Of Rape Charges

Posted in Football, The Law, Will Leitch Sucks at 1:18 pm by

Last month, Manchester United winger Cristiano Ronaldo was questioned and arrested following rape allegations stemming from a hotel incident on October 2.

Will Leitch gleefully reported the arrest on October 19, adding “few details are known, including whether or not Ronaldo used his hands”. This was perhaps the best line Leitch has penned thus far (admittedly, that isn’t saying much) and one well worth remembering if he or any of his loved ones are ever the victims of a sexual assault.

Yesterday, Ronaldo was officially cleared of all charges.

Few details are known about why Leitch has failed to mention this, but given that he’s as ethically challenged as he is funny, perhaps I shouldn’t hold my breath.


Gambling Site Axed, Traffic Puffery For Sister Co.

Posted in Blogged Down, Will Leitch Sucks at 1:50 am by

Tom Turkey isn’t the only one singing the Executioner’s Song this Thanksgiving. Will Leitch crony A.J. Daulerio announced yesterday that his Gawker-owned gambling blog, Oddjack will be shut down on December 2.

Though I have no particular gripe against those in the throes of a gambling problem, it should be noted that if the entire online wagering trade were eliminated, at least 3/4ths of the comment spam CSTB contends with on a daily basis would disappear (the other 25% being an odd mix of cialis, interest rate pitches and uh, Roger Lodge). So fuck the gambling business and those who exist to prop it up.

Speaking of which, Gawker Media’s Nick Denton wrote of Daulerio’s Operation Shutdown, “we’d rather concentrate our energies on sites such as Deadspin, which have buzz and a growing audience, and new launches, which have equal potential.”

The above graph, which Denton helpfully links to, shows Deadspin’s daily traffic dropping considerably from Friday of last week. I’m not sure how you’d call going from 30,000 + visits a day to 20,000 or so “a growing audience”, but perhaps he means that Will’s readers are gaining weight. Denton has the economics degree from Oxford, so I’m certain this makes sense if you keep staring at it long enough.


Q : What Sucks More Than NASCAR?

Posted in Blogged Down, Vroom Vroom, Will Leitch Sucks at 6:09 pm by

A : NASCAR apologists.

It’s been another amazing weekday afternoon over at the sad, lonely spot known as Will Leitch’s Brain. On top of suddenly discovering Wizznutz’ “Aubernica” an entire calendar year after it first appeared, Will has rushed to the defense of that Mensa of Motor Sports, NASCAR.

Not content with interviewing a guy who spent a year following the NASCAR circuit in a mobile home (unsurprisingly, a similar construct to that of “Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer” — surely a really nice guy like Leitch must have one or two friends who haven’t written a book about tooling around in an RV?), Will does the Don Quixote routine versus former SF Chronicle scribe C.W. Nevius, who commited the journalistic faux pas back in ’93 of pointing out that NASCAR is awfully white.

It is also – let’s just come right out and say it – the whitest sport in America. The drivers are white, the pit crews are white and it has become a cliche to note that at most races, Confederate flags outnumber African American fans. For good or bad – and we’ll discuss that – at a time when professional sports seems to be embracing hip-hop culture, NASCAR is heading in precisely the opposite direction.

“We’re blue collar and we’ve got good family values,” says longtime NASCAR driver and TV commentator Darrell Waltrip. “We’re what people want to see from athletes.”

Perhaps, but could there be an undercurrent of racism to NASCAR’s popularity? Consider, 4 out of 5 NBA players are African American, 67 percent of NFL players are minorities, and last season, 23 percent of major league baseball players were born in Spanish-speaking countries (an increase of 40 percent from 1989). All of those sports, except football, are experiencing a dip in popularity. Meanwhile, the conspicuously white NASCAR is on an unprecedented run up the profit chart.

Leitch characterizes the above as “a gratuitious slam”. Sounds to me like someone’s a little anxious about racism at the race track — and it isn’t Nevius. But then again, social issues aren’t Will’s strong suit.

That said, the next time Leitch wants to take issue with someone who has disparaged NASCAR, it shouldn’t be necessary for him to pick a fight with a deposed Bay Area columnist. He can also bring the matter up with his colleagues at Gawker, who have demonstrated on at least two occasions (example a and b) that they have no greater empathy for the average NASCAR fan.

Neither do I, actually, but that’s another subject.


Another Drunken Bed-Wetting Tragedy

Posted in Blogged Down, Will Leitch Sucks at 4:08 pm by

From Reuters.

A German man drank too much, wet his bed and set fire to his apartment while trying to dry his bedding, police in the western town of Muelheim said on Monday.

œHe was too drunk to go to the toilet, said a police spokesman. œThe next morning he put a switched-on hair dryer on the bed to dry it and left the apartment. When the 60-year-old returned, his home and belongings were in flames.

Firemen eventually put out the blaze.

Didn’t know that Will Leitch had family in Muellheim? Me neither. Though it was very impressive to learn today that Will’s finally found the time to check out Flea’s basketball blog, much as Leitch’s immodesty in touting his own Sunday Times appearance was more notable for what wasn’t revealed. ie. that the author of said Bill Simmons profile is the frequent recipient of links from Leitch for his own book-touting blog, Rammer Jammer Yellow Hammer. Little things like full disclosure aren’t that big of a deal at Gawker Media or the New York Times, but as long as both parties are making each other happy, that’s all that really matters.