Paging Ronald Thomas Clonte : CSTB’s Worst Basketball Films Of All Time

Posted in Basketball, Blogged Down, Cinema at 4:09 pm by

Though they botched the title of their no.1 selection, Hooped Up’s list of preferred basketball movies is much like anything else, a matter of personal sensibilities.  I wouldn’t rate “White Men Can’t Jump” in my own Top 5, but inspired by H.D.’s survey, I’ll instead rank the 5 Worst :

5 ) “One On One”  (1978)

Though I was awfully impressed with Annette O’Toole (I was 14 at the time), in retrospect, Robbie Benson’s harsh journey thru the world of Division One athletics was not nearly as provocative as the writer/actor’s “Ice Castles”.

4) “Blue Chips”  (1994)

Nick Nolte’s one-note Bobby Knight impersonation was slightly more nuanced than Shaquille O’Neal’s portrayal of a 7-foot center. Bonus points for Ed O’Neil as a pseudo-Shaughnessey type.

3) “Eddie” (1996)

I think I’ve covered this one before.

2) “Juwanna Mann” (2002)

Much like Rodney Dangerfield’s “Ladybugs”, this ill-advised attempt at opening mainstream America’s eyes to the plight of transgendered athletes was nothing short of a cinematic abortion.

1) “The Fan” (1996)

I know, you’re saying “Tony Scott’s loud and dopey tale of a faux Barry Bonds (Wesley Snipes) meeting his own personal Mark David Chapman (a phoning-it-in Bob DeNiro) is a baseball flick.” And you’d be correct.  But I’m proposing “The Fan” is so very fucking awful, it manages to be the worst baseball and the worst basketball movie ever made, without featuring one single second of basketball. Beat that, MCA.

9 Responses to “Paging Ronald Thomas Clonte : CSTB’s Worst Basketball Films Of All Time”

  1. Doug Schoemer says:

    Glad to see you didn’t take the easy route and left off the way underrated Fish That Saved Pittsburgh. Only in his commercial where he plays one-on-one against a mentally challenged kid (“That’s a foul, you fouled him”) did Julius Erving do better work.

  2. GC says:

    all of the above films are worse than “The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh”. “Space Jam” and “Forget Paris”, too.

  3. David Roth says:

    Space Jam’s fucking appalling, Gerard. Also, Amazing Grace and Chuck has some serious-ish problems. But I sure can’t argue with your selection of “The Fan.” To be fair, it would’ve been worse if it had come after Tony Scott made himself over into an overcaffeinated half-avant-garde nut who made “Man on Fire” and “Domino” (better known as: Untitled Keira Knightley Bounty Hunter Project). Imagine how much worse “The Fan” would’ve been with 2,000 more cuts, unsynched sound and Mickey Rourke.

  4. Tommy Hoops says:

    My favorite exchange in The Fan (courtesy of IMDB):

    Gil Renard, played by Robert DeNiro: [listening to a Rolling Stones song on the car radio] I remember when Mick recorded this in ’78. We had a wild party afterwards.

    Richie Renard, his son, portrayed by some poor kid: Jason Pelligrino’s dad says Mick Jagger’s gay.

    Gil Renard: [angrily] Well, Jason Pelligrino’s dad takes it up the ass!

  5. Matt Cibula says:

    AdRoc was/is Adam Horovitz; Adam Yauch is/was MCA. God you guys.

  6. GC says:

    granted that was a stupid error, Matt. But you’d have a fuzzy command of details, too, if you’d spent much of the afternoon arguing w/ CSTB’s editorial staff over which movie was shittier, “Coach Carter” or “Glory Road”

  7. ben schwartz says:

    “Waverly Wonders.”. This the CPO SHARKEY of basketball shows, which even made Joe Namath unbelievable as an athlete.Even the b-ball sequnce in “abbott & costello meet the co-eds” is done better, and that’s with lou playing center in drag on a girl’s team.

  8. Brian McPherson says:

    One on One – jesus. Awful. Ever notice how Bill Simmons sounds just like Robbie Benson? Even with Garnett’s nuts in his mouth . . . .

  9. Derek says:

    I’m 39 yrs old, and still totally impressed by Annette O’Toole.

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