05.03.11

Schilling: What’s Up With Not Desecrating Bin Laden’s Corpse?

Posted in Baseball, Blogged Down, politics at 3:15 pm by

It’s not like our political press is exactly hanging up triple-doubles every night, but there’s a reason why we have not entrusted political commentary to our nation’s sportpundits. As depressing as it is to see the more objectively meaningful end of our discourse tilt and topple into an idiotic, backhandedly postmodern disputatiousness — a big dumb culture war with a million fronts, two-sided facts, you know all this — it is at least heartening that the discussion of, say, health-care reform has not been handed over to Bill Plaschke or (gasp) Gregg F. Doyel. Yes, your TV news types do tend towards the pompously underinformed certainty of a Plaschke or the gleefully imbecilic yeah-I-said-it self-satisfcation of a Doyel. BUT at least no one asks Doyel how he feels about Medicaid. Small blessings, there. (That said, Mike Florio’s hilariously tacky ability to turn everything back to the NFL would make him a great fit at Politico)

The magic of Twitter, in part, is that no one needs to ask you about anything — you just assume everyone wants to hear whatever’s on your mind, and then tell them. (That’s how I use it, at least) Sometimes this can work in interesting ways, and sometimes — most times, almost every time — it results in a lesson in wince-induction. When Milwaukee Bucks small forward Chris Douglas-Roberts popped off, skeptically but far from ignorantly, about the death of Osama Bin Laden on Twitter, he faced a ton of typically Twitterish criticism and handled it fairly well; as SB Nation’s Andrew Sharp writes, the whole thing was even a little inspiring in its way. When Rashard Mendenhall brought his less-informed Bin Laden opinions to the TweetDeck, though — and especially when he leavened them with some 9/11 Truthery — the outcome was a little less impressive. Mendenhall is now a trending topic and, secondarily, has revealed himself to be every bit as well-informed and worth listening to on issues of major national import as you’d expect.

But, in a sense, this is Twitter for you — disposable thoughts that quickly dispose of themselves, flushed down your feed and out into the e-ether. For your really pompous idiocies, print sports radio is still your best value. Ask sickly-looking dittohead and former big league ace Curt Schilling about that. Actually, you don’t need to ask, he’s already on line two:

Curt Schilling is an outspoken man, a staunch Republican and a dedicated supporter of the United States military. Put it all together on the day the world learned of the death of Osama bin Laden, and you have a guy who couldn’t wait to call The Dennis and Callahan Show.

While Schilling was ecstatic that bin Laden was finally caught, he was upset with the fact that the terrorist was given a proper Muslim burial at seas. “I’m pissed because I can’t fathom why we would honor the Muslim traditions for a guy who Muslims have been telling us for 10 years doesn’t represent the true Muslim faith,” Schilling said. “And our government has been telling us the same thing. Who were they worried about offending? Radical Muslims?”

Who indeed? Among many other questions! Luckily for those of us wondering just what’s going on inside Schilling’s protein-shake of a brain, the great Matthew Callan is there to do some soothsaying in a world-exclusive post direct from Curt Schilling’s unconscious:

From all the reports I’ve read so far, not one mentions any of these operatives delivering a “kicker” line before sending Osama to kingdom come. Not even a “Message from Uncle Sam” or “Special delivery courtesy of the red, white, and blue!” If anyone had consulted me, I’ve got a 300-page Word document filled with such phrases, ranging from punny to ironic to righteously indignant. I have one for any conceivable scenario. If we found him on the moon, I would’ve said “The Eagle has landed–on your motherfucking face!”

Another failure of imagination: They didn’t booby trap his house, Death Wish 3 style, so when he tried to flee the scene he could be whacked in the face with a board filled with nails. At the very least, his demise could have been far more humiliating. For all their skills with the deadly arts, these Navy SEALs didn’t think to shove a hand grenade up his poop chute? Is this where our tax dollars are going?

…And don’t get me started on the Muslim burial thing. Honoring other people’s religious traditions, ugh, it makes me sick. I think we should have desecrated the body. And when I say we, I mean me. I think America owed it to me, a millionaire athlete who was nowhere near New York or Washington DC on September 11th, to exact my own personal revenge on someone who once made me nervous to fly.

Remember when Schilling was going to run for Senate? That could probably still happen.

One Response to “Schilling: What’s Up With Not Desecrating Bin Laden’s Corpse?”

  1. Rog says:

    I’d be shocked if Schilling didn’t run for office at some point.

    I have to admit that I am enjoying the great lengths to which people like Schilling and Rush Limbaugh are going to find fault with the Bin Laden killing. Wow, Schill, that’s all you got? Phoney indignation at the frigging *burial* of the one dude that Prez Bitch couldn’t find, no matter how many missiles we fired at him from unmanned drones?

Leave a Reply