09.11.10

The Columbus Vs. Miami Debate (Without Even Mentioning The Eat vs. The Naked Skinnies)

Posted in Gridiron at 2:58 pm by

(mentioned, no, depicted, yes)

It might be the height over overstatement to say the entire state of Ohio bears a grudge against Miami over LeBron James’ departure, just as it would be terrible to conclude Cowtown is superior merely because Ron House has made more good records than Charlie Pickett. But what the hell, it’s a Saturday afternoon and The U is facing the Buckeyes in a rematch of the 2003 National Championship game that catapulted Maurice Clarett to jail his glittering professional career. Who can really blame the Columbus Dispatch’s Joe Blundo for picking a fight before the game? Here’s a couple of the highlights :

7. Columbus makes better television.

Not many TV series have been set in Columbus. In fact, only Family Ties, the 1980s sitcom starring Michael J. Fox, comes to mind. But it was pretty good.

Here’s a sampling of unpleasant shows set in Miami: Miami Vice (police in pastels); CSI: Miami (morgue porn); Kourtney & Khloe Take Miami (the Kardashian sisters stretching their 15 minutes of fame) and season two of Jersey Shore (the cast moving south but remaining just as obnoxious).

8. Ohio has autumn.

While Miamians perspire, Ohio enjoys crisp, colorful falls. As for winter, well, the skiing opportunities here are better.

9. Ohio has fewer hurricanes.

Until 2008, Ohio could have claimed no hurricanes, but the winds of dying Ike did have some effect. Still, there was no storm surge.

10. Ohio has basements.

Florida’s well-known reputation for goofiness should come as no surprise. That unfortunate state has a high water table that precludes basements.

Thus, Miamians have no place to sit out a tornado, tinker with tools or send the kids when the noise gets unbearable.

It’s pretty compelling stuff (even if the author forgot about “Deter”, so much so that Blundo never even had to cite some of his hometown’s more outstanding attributes (Times New Viking, drive-in liquor stores, White Castle’s corporate headquarters) nor the fact that Miami can never be considered a world-class city as long as it offers refuge to Sid Rosenberg.

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