03.31.08

Welcome to the Fuku Dome: Jay Mariotti Rips Off CSTB Today

Posted in Baseball at 11:02 pm by

http://www.cantstopthebleeding.com/img/fukudome_2.jpg

As long as Gerard brought it up, on a day when I was content to retire my #14 Trib rant, yeah, Kerry Wood did have a lousy day. For whatever reason, the Man With The Glass Arm is our closer and Caros Marmol his set-up man. So be it. At least when losses start to pile up on blown saves, even goat-worshiping Curse fans won’t be able to blame the supernatural when they’ve got Kerry Wood. Or so I thought, until I read Jay Mariotti‘s column, devoted entirely to breaking the spirit of Kosuke Fukudome with talk of voo doo in Wrigley.

http://www.cantstopthebleeding.com/img/TannerBoyle.jpg

(CSTB mascot Tanner Boyle, on hearing he was traded to Jay Mariotti’s column today)

But there was a pause in the interview room. And a blank stare from Fukudome. Because even on a day when he made headlines, here and abroad, the $48-million import also received his first dose of Cubdom. It wasn’t enough to trash Milwaukee’s bearded, washed-up Eric Gagne, who was rescued when the Brewers nicked Bob Howry for a run in the 10th and won 4-3 … the Cubs turned what should have been a historic afternoon into another trademark loss. But then, this is what the Cubs do. This is who the Cubs are. Maybe Fukudome is starting to understand the pain.

“We lost the game. I wish we could have won,” he said through Araki. “It was great that I had a home run to tie the game, but since we lost the game, it values a little less.”

Mariotti went further, even disputing Moises Alou, who recently came to the defense of Curse poster boy Steve Bartman. And note Mariotti’s rather suspicious invocation of Bad News Bear Tanner Boyle in a Cub reference, done in this space not one week ago by yours truly.

Yet it also seems a good time to issue a cobwebbed reminder about Cubdom: Never, ever tempt fate. Do not pick this team to win the World Series, as a shocking number of media have done in this 100th-anniversary season. Do not coin the cryptic phrase “Cubbie occurrence,” as Lou Piniella did in spring training. Do not roll out a statue for a legend and let him declare, “This is the year,” as Ernie Banks said. Do not foresee the Cubs and Detroit playing for a championship as they did in 1908, which Sports Illustrated predicts. And do not tell the Associated Press that the Bartman Ball wasn’t catchable anyway, as Moises Alou revealed when he ran into columnist Jim Litke at a Macy’s department store in New York City.

“Everywhere I play, even now, people still yell, `Bartman! Bartman!’ I feel really bad for the kid,” Alou said. “Know what the funny thing is? I wouldn’t have caught it, anyway.”

Then why did Alou whip down his glove in left field like Tanner Boyle in the “Bad News Bears” movie? Why did he complain about it so angrily after the game? I know, I know — it was five years ago, let it go. But such revelations only reconfirm that Cubdom is spooked.

Well, Jay, maybe because either way it was a play that could have changed the game? I thought Alou showed some class, especially after the way the Cubs dumped him. As for your attempt to discourage Fukudome after his first Cubs game and a three run knock in the 9th … well, blow me. Since you don’t let readers leave comments on your column site anymore, I’m at least happy to know you’re reading CSTB for ideas.

7 Responses to “Welcome to the Fuku Dome: Jay Mariotti Rips Off CSTB Today”

  1. Rog says:

    You know what would’ve been slightly more amusing than this lame dead horse-beating? An April Fools’ article about Fukudome being afraid of curses and moving back to Japan or maybe about them re-naming the park “The Killing Field” or some other such boring rote George Plimpton rip-off. Bennifer, I beg you to stop soiling the good CSTB brand with your sleep-inducing writing.

    CSTB mascot Tanner Boyle, on hearing he was traded to Jay Mariotti’s column today.

    Dude, that’s just lame. Please stop it. Sincerely, Rog.

  2. Ben Schwartz says:

    I know my posts disappoint many more readers than just you, Rog, but if I can keep you unhappy for just the five minutes a paragraph it takes to you to read them, it’s all worth it.

  3. Rog says:

    Cool! Another ‘Rog is a slow reader’ crack! Awesome! How ’bout another dated Tom Arnold reference or perhaps a knock knock joke. I’m asking you nicely to stop posting on CSTB. I am prepared to PayPal you a sum total of $5.37 if you agree to stop soiling this blog with your unfunny posts. This is me being nice. I hope you appreciate it.

  4. kt says:

    hey rog you can paypal me the $5.37 and i’ll stop posting.

  5. Ben Schwartz says:

    Rog, I do appreciate it, but I’d like to entertain other offers. I mean, if my posts are as bad as you say, paying me to not post is worth serious money. There must be any number of Sox and Mets fans around here who’d like to bid on my non-services (although proof of employment of said fans will be required). So, thanks, but I’ll have to get back to you until more corners are heard from.

  6. David Roth says:

    Rog, I’m already getting $7 from Gerard every time I don’t post, so you’ll have to do better than that offer. I don’t know why people say you can’t get rich in the blog game.

    Also, I honestly don’t get what your beef is with Ben’s stuff. Beyond the fact that I think his writing is good and enjoy reading his posts — a question of taste, admittedly — I think that there’s never a reason not to highlight Mariotti-related idiocy. It happens here all the time, from posters other than Ben, and this seems like a uniquely ill-reasoned, pre-emptively sour post, considering when in the season it arrives.

    Finally, and I don’t know if it’s the case here, but GC usually adds the pictures to the posts and does the captions. At least that’s the way it goes with mine.

  7. GC says:

    for the record, Ben selects his own images and captions. He does, however, have a nasty hotlinking habit that creates all sorts of extra work for me, but much like working for a state university, it’s almost impossible to get fired around here.

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