It’s hard to know who to trust when previewing the 2008 Major League Baseball Season. Clearly, in an age where the credibility of David Pinto is under fire, we’re gonna have to turn some new sources for soothsaying, and if that means absorbing a Phillies prospectus penned in-the-style -of WIP’s Charlie Manuel-baiting Howard Eskin, so be it. From Yard Work :
Out in left field, there™s good old Pat the Fat, good for a sterling .260 average, a remarkable 70-80 RBIs, and stone-cold defense that could be improved upon by fielding the Venus de Milo. If this dope wasn™t sticking it to a centerfold, he™d be more useless than a DeVry graduate. Now in center field, there used to be Aaron Rowand, a gamer™s gamer, a guy that would literally run into a wall for you. Sure, we™ve got supercuzz Shane Victorino sliding over, which is great, but who™s going to be in right field? The only guy I can see going there is Geoff Jenkins, and since the best thing he™s known for is resembling Brett Favre, color me unimpressed. This ain™t Cheese Country, Mr. Bratwurst ” this is CheeseSTEAK Country. At least it™s a safe bet that Jenkins knows not to throw across his body fifty yards downfield into triple-coverage, unlike some water-walking drunks we all know and blow. Maybe good ol™ Geoffie can two-sport it and save us from another season of boy genius Donovan McGagg, how about it?
In the infield, we™ve got three all-time greats, an up-and-coming catcher and now Pedro Feliz, a guy that was let go by the San Francisco Giants. You know what that means ” he was on the same cocktail as that broke-down clown Barry Bonds, so don™t expect a miracle from that walking slump. And of course it™s only a matter of time before Utley or Rollins or Howard breaks down. Betcha it™ll happen write after they ink one of those ridiculous multi-million dollar deals ballplayers seem to be getting. Seriously ” how much bling-bling does a brother need before the dope with the gold fronts and more sparkle than a gay pride parade says, œYou know, maybe I™ll accept that ten-million dollar deal instead of holding out for something bigger? Unless there™s some sort of price spike on tricked-out spinners or putting TVs into the TVs in your rear-view mirror, I don™t get it.
You dopes realize that the only reason the Phils actually won the division was because the Mets played like Darryl Strawberry™s crack-addled family for the last month of the season, right? And you saw what happened to the Phils in the playoffs, right? They were manhandled by a bunch of Sally League Born Again Christians! News flash, kiddies ” not much has changed. Sure, the NL™s still like a quadrapelegic slap fight when it comes down to it, so the one-handed team that™s not busy rubbing one out wins. That don™t mean much, though ” if weak sisters like the Cubs and Dodgers and (seriously?) Brewers are the league™s shining lights, then it looks like someone™s forgotten to pay the electricity bill.
The Phillies, bless their inbred little hearts, don™t even measure up to those chumps. Three hitters and one pitcher do not a championship team make ” if that were the case, the Yankees would win every year, without fail.
Classic stuff, though I’m hopeful that Mike Missanelli won’t be lobbying for equal time.