You’ll Always Have Matt Millen To Kick Around, Forevermore

Posted in Gridiron at 12:07 pm by

Say what you’d like about the Ford Motor Company: that they’re the worst-run big corporation in the world; that they’ve squandered the goodwill of American auto-buyers and abdicated commanding heights in the market by producing crappy cars, resisting innovation at every turn and depending on government subsidy; that they never should’ve stopped producing the Festiva. I just said all those things, for instance, and believe them.

But whatever else one says about the Fords, it’s clear that they’re loyal. Not to their workers or those who buy their cars: no, they’re loyal to intensely incompetent executives, both on the automotive and football sides of their business. It’s why both are doing so well, I think. I’d love to read the fact that the Lions have finally relieved Matt Millen (above, right) of his team president duties as evidence of a great leap forward for the Fords. Until the company drops their idiotic insistence on producing cars that run entirely on ethanol, instead of plug-in hybrids (or really meaningful hybrids of any kind), though, it’s safe to assume that the Fords will remain something of an embarrassment.

But, to reiterate, they’re slightly less embarrassing for finally having ditched Millen. That it took seven seasons…well, see above for the car that runs on corn. The Fords, at this point, are kind of like the end-stage Spanish branch of the Hapsburg family. After generations of hot Hapsburg-on-Hapsburg action, the family’s rule over Spain came to an end when the mentally retarded King Charles II just kind of gave Spain to France’s Louis XIV. I mention this for no other reason than to note that I think even Charles II would’ve probably fired Millen in like 2004.

But all this Hapsburg-baiting and ethanol bashing is distracting us from what’s really important, here: the question of what’s next for Matt Millen. He may go back to broadcasting, where his dependably stern wrongheadedness has been much missed. He may somehow find himself promoted to Vice President of GM. For the time being, though, I hope Millen throws himself into this new radio project he’s working on.

This may be news to those of you without satellite radio, but Matt Millen and Isiah Thomas have been hosting an advice show — “Zeke and Matt’s Sound Decision-Making” — on Sirius for the last month or so, and it is really, really impressive. Here’s a partial transcript from yesterday’s show:

MM: “…So, yeah, that’s why I think it’s always a bad idea to wear a condom.”

IT: “Couldn’t agree more, Matt. To change gears for a minute, so to speak,” — and here there’s a card of screeching tire wheels — “I’d like to talk about another thing I feel like every listener should try, which is drunk driving.”

MM: “Oh, now you’re talking.”

IT: “So you’re with me on this one?”

MM: “Oh, absolutely, Zeke, I have. Done it often, and it is fun. An adventure. Although to be honest, I don’t always remember just how fun it was the next day.

IT and MM (in unison): “So you have to do it again!” (Audible high five)

MM: “Oh, that’s good. Okay, when we come back: home finance. We’ll have our panel of experts…”

IT: “…by which he means us, our producer, Jerome James, and board op, Charles Rogers…”

MM: “…discussing which teaser-rate mortgage is right for you.”

Stay with radio, Matt. In seven years, you can probably put the whole medium out of business. (Thanks to Brendan Flynn for helping unearth that transcript)

7 Responses to “You’ll Always Have Matt Millen To Kick Around, Forevermore”

  1. +100 wizard points for Hapsburg Dynasty analogy.

  2. David Roth says:

    Oh, thanks. I suppose I could’ve taken it further, but it’s kind of hard to figure out which Bourbon king Millen most resembles. One with a mustache and a penchant for drafting wide receivers, obviously, but I forget which one that was. Louis the Outmaneuvered?

  3. And still able to confound a genetically-determined Cowboys fan like myself on any given Thanksgiving.

    Meanwhile, both Stockhausen and Kagel dead, with no-one to fill their shoes.

  4. There’s a Greg Kinnear-starring film coming out where he plays the guy who invented the intermittent windshield-wiper only to have Ford swipe it from him. I think it’s called “Hey, Thanks Asshole”

  5. Kris Gillespie says:

    Dear lord…

    Has anyone checked the genealogy of Andy Dick?



  6. Kris G: why in name of all that is Mormon Ancestor Worship would someone do that?

  7. Kris Gillespie says:

    For strictly anthropological reasons… those who cannot remember the past, yadda yadda yadda.


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